Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

Frogletina wrote: »

Thank you rekojem


I sent it to my friend three weeks after our last contact because I wanted him to know how I was feeling. Maybe it was a foolish thing to do, but I figured what did it matter? He wasn't contacting me anyway

Massive (((((HUGS))))) to you, Frogletina. I have emailed you xxx

spiritsfree wrote: »

You are very welcome Tay

My pain and release came when I realised that the only person who was suffering was ME !! That there was no mutual respect and consideration being returned to me, and that any future was based on one that was unhealthy for me, as well as lop-sided in attitude and feelings.

From that moment I took decisions that were good for ME !!
I let go of other people`s problems and baggage and saw that I was a good person. I had much to give and be proud of, as well as lived in a way that promoted harmony, quality of life, friendliness, spirituality and communication as well as respect and consideration, support, and encouragement within a relationship. It was about me being me and respecting myself and other people rather than give my power away and feel devalued by doing so.

The change comes from breathing deeply, ( ) learning some life lessons and, while not being arrogant, knowing your own simple values and positive qualities to bring peace and understanding to your life, rather than the "rat-race" that surrounds us......even enjoying "Me time" and a less frantic life style

Happiness comes from within Tay, with realisations....and I truly hope that you find it, and all that you deserve.....a place where love grows, harmony builds, confidence is sure and true, quietly blossoming from YOU !!....and being able to see you and the value you have to share,( but only with those that can appreciate it ) and knowing that YOU are important and mean well, and what other people are missing by not being honest with themselves. "It`s their loss, and your gain" ?? Stand tall and believe in YOU as you have too much to give that many good people would adore and welcome sharing ....as a friend and partner !!!

Much love lady :A XXXXX

Thanks again, spiritisfree. Your posts are so uplifting, honestly. I feel a sense of hope when I read them. How did you come to realise all these things? xx

spiritsfree

As always Tay...you are very welcome

"How did I come to realise these things" ?

I guess it`s been a long journey A failed marriage where i was only wanted financially ? ...and not for the person i was. No matter what I had to give there was very little affection or relationship. I suffered for 12 years before I realised it wasn`t going to be any better. Even told to find a mistress, so long as i kept paying the bills and kept it a secret.....More than my self respect could take !!...and 28 years of her trying to undo our "settlement" because I had subsequently been successful ?...which only ended last year as she ran out of options in trying to destroy me !!!

"Seen it, done it, and the T-shirt did shrink" !!!

I have had other relationships that all failed....I was a carer to one for 6 years who we eventually found had Paranoia personality disorder...I very nearly lost myself by being selfless.

My last relationship was with my very first girlfriend from 46 years ago. She tried to fleece me out of a lot of money...which was returned when court papers were issued....and then was informed that she had high narcissistic tendencies and was a walking nightmare (by her friends) ?

That was the point that I had to sit down and spend time looking at me. What was it about me that attracted these type of people ?
Why was I not strong enough to listen to my intuition ?...which generally was right !!! I had issues over not being assertive enough, and trying to please other people while forgetting myself. But I also looked at my motives and kindness,...my ability to give...my consideration, my communication skills,....my all round ability to be a good person, and wanting to improve who I was....which i now try to do daily It may be just a smile or a "Good morning" to a total stranger...opening a door for someone...little things that I can play a small part in brightening everyone`s day, including mine

I had to question myself, look at myself, and really get to know myself...weakness` and strengths.....but I also had to have a hard look at who the people in my past were and their qualities. I had to be brutal and honest with my observations and answers. I spent days just mulling myself and other people over....seeing what I`d excused for the sake of a relationship ...that really WASN`T a relationship ? ( If you get my drift ?) The obvious was there in front of my eyes and in my mind !! While i am not perfect and never want to be, there are many, many more plus`s "for me" than minus`s.

"I`m an ok person and can live with myself". From that point i started and have continued to be positive, and let my past be just that...."The past". Nothing i could do to change it, however i could influence the future...my future !!! I`m living with the new me, the person who knows now that he doesn`t have to give away me, or sell myself too short, to be loved. I have learnt to slow down and appreciate what i have got...my true friends...nature in the garden and meadows as well as my home. Just simple things...simple appreciation...an inner glow....a cheeky smile...going back to my love of music..my appreciation of good clothes for ME !! ....( Yep, I bought a whole new wardrobe )....my way of life that lends it`self towards Buddhism, nature and an uncomplicated life.....My enjoyment of watches ......Levi`s ...I am even back to playing acoustic guitar, which I last played 10+ years ago !! Not allowing the weather to change my mood..or other people`s problems. Seeing them for what they are.....a lesson THEY have to learn ?

I`m far more balanced than ever and can see clearly how i have contributed to my own misery, and what other`s were unable to feel or see in me, as they were more focused on what they wanted short or long term. My realisation is one of experience as well as maturity. One that has recognised that what the heart desires and what the mind does, can be 2 different things. That love is not lust. That those that love me know me and enjoy me....for who I am, not what they can get out of me That we all have lessons to learn from past experiences, and when we do, there are no emotional attachments to it. That there`s no point in getting stressed as it`s not life or death....and to have patience as well as understanding........"To be me" !!! ....and not to doubt yourself if the intention is right To be open, and realise that not being open is it`self a problem of trust, however if it`s abused then friends or partners become the past !!

I hope that has answered some of your questions Tay, and you get the gist and understanding from what is a lengthy explanation as to how I realised that I`m ok and don`t need to sell myself short
I like and love the person I am, and hope to be a better person tomorrow than I was today I`m happy being me !!

Hugs lady ...and any questions then please ask xxxx

Ellidee

Wow spiritsfree what a fantastic inspiring post. Thank you for sharing :A

spiritsfree

Ellidee wrote: »

Wow spiritsfree what a fantastic inspiring post. Thank you for sharing :A

You`re very welcome Just part of my journey

tayforth

spiritsfree wrote: »

As always Tay...you are very welcome

"How did I come to realise these things" ?

I guess it`s been a long journey A failed marriage where i was only wanted financially ? ...and not for the person i was. No matter what I had to give there was very little affection or relationship. I suffered for 12 years before I realised it wasn`t going to be any better. Even told to find a mistress, so long as i kept paying the bills and kept it a secret.....More than my self respect could take !!...and 28 years of her trying to undo our "settlement" because I had subsequently been successful ?...which only ended last year as she ran out of options in trying to destroy me !!!

"Seen it, done it, and the T-shirt did shrink" !!!

I have had other relationships that all failed....I was a carer to one for 6 years who we eventually found had Paranoia personality disorder...I very nearly lost myself by being selfless.

My last relationship was with my very first girlfriend from 46 years ago. She tried to fleece me out of a lot of money...which was returned when court papers were issued....and then was informed that she had high narcissistic tendencies and was a walking nightmare (by her friends) ?

That was the point that I had to sit down and spend time looking at me. What was it about me that attracted these type of people ?
Why was I not strong enough to listen to my intuition ?...which generally was right !!! I had issues over not being assertive enough, and trying to please other people while forgetting myself. But I also looked at my motives and kindness,...my ability to give...my consideration, my communication skills,....my all round ability to be a good person, and wanting to improve who I was....which i now try to do daily It may be just a smile or a "Good morning" to a total stranger...opening a door for someone...little things that I can play a small part in brightening everyone`s day, including mine

I had to question myself, look at myself, and really get to know myself...weakness` and strengths.....but I also had to have a hard look at who the people in my past were and their qualities. I had to be brutal and honest with my observations and answers. I spent days just mulling myself and other people over....seeing what I`d excused for the sake of a relationship ...that really WASN`T a relationship ? ( If you get my drift ?) The obvious was there in front of my eyes and in my mind !! While i am not perfect and never want to be, there are many, many more plus`s "for me" than minus`s.

"I`m an ok person and can live with myself". From that point i started and have continued to be positive, and let my past be just that...."The past". Nothing i could do to change it, however i could influence the future...my future !!! I`m living with the new me, the person who knows now that he doesn`t have to give away me, or sell myself too short, to be loved. I have learnt to slow down and appreciate what i have got...my true friends...nature in the garden and meadows as well as my home. Just simple things...simple appreciation...an inner glow....a cheeky smile...going back to my love of music..my appreciation of good clothes for ME !! ....( Yep, I bought a whole new wardrobe )....my way of life that lends it`self towards Buddhism, nature and an uncomplicated life.....My enjoyment of watches ......Levi`s ...I am even back to playing acoustic guitar, which I last played 10+ years ago !! Not allowing the weather to change my mood..or other people`s problems. Seeing them for what they are.....a lesson THEY have to learn ?

I`m far more balanced than ever and can see clearly how i have contributed to my own misery, and what other`s were unable to feel or see in me, as they were more focused on what they wanted short or long term. My realisation is one of experience as well as maturity. One that has recognised that what the heart desires and what the mind does, can be 2 different things. That love is not lust. That those that love me know me and enjoy me....for who I am, not what they can get out of me That we all have lessons to learn from past experiences, and when we do, there are no emotional attachments to it. That there`s no point in getting stressed as it`s not life or death....and to have patience as well as understanding........"To be me" !!! ....and not to doubt yourself if the intention is right To be open, and realise that not being open is it`self a problem of trust, however if it`s abused then friends or partners become the past !!

I hope that has answered some of your questions Tay, and you get the gist and understanding from what is a lengthy explanation as to how I realised that I`m ok and don`t need to sell myself short
I like and love the person I am, and hope to be a better person tomorrow than I was today I`m happy being me !!

Hugs lady ...and any questions then please ask xxxx

Goodness, what an inspiring person you are. Thank you for sharing all of that. I'm sorry that you went through all of that. But I'm so glad that you found the strength to come out the other side. You are kind, wise and self-aware.

I also try to live an uncomplicated life. I'm not interested in material possessions or one-upmanship, I just aspire to be happy and to make others happy. I'm not doing so well on the first count at the moment, but I must have faith that I'll get there.

And it seems that I need to work on my intuition as well.

Thanks again. You've been so helpful.

tayforth

I went for a long walk earlier to clear my head.

And I've been reflecting on everything.

The bottom line is that he deliberately hurt me by not telling me what was wrong, or ending it. It's been a slow, agonising drip-drip, it's horrible. I can't even pinpoint when it happened, there isn't a date. I don't know what was the truth and what wasn't.



It's unbearable when someone pursues you, and tells you that he's lucky you even know his name, let alone agree to go out with him, and says that he loves you, and has tears in his eyes when you say it back to him, and says that he wants to marry you, and tells you that you're the most important person in the world to him, and goes out of his way to show you how much he cares about you, and wishes you good morning and goodnight every single day, and you believe it all, and you feel the same about him, and you care about him, and you're there for him when he tells you that he's had difficulties in the past or the present, and your heart goes out to him, and you think that you're so full of happiness that you might burst, and everything is good in the world... and then it all turns out to have been a lie.

But I can't change it.

I accept that I will probably never find out what happened, or why.

I am going to talk through it all, but with a view to healing. I don't want to live in this sad state indefinitely.

curlygirl1971

Sounds like a step forward Tayforth. Hope you get a good nights sleep.

JoW123

tayforth wrote: »

I went for a long walk earlier to clear my head.

And I've been reflecting on everything.

The bottom line is that he deliberately hurt me by not telling me what was wrong, or ending it. It's been a slow, agonising drip-drip, it's horrible. I can't even pinpoint when it happened, there isn't a date. I don't know what was the truth and what wasn't.



It's unbearable when someone pursues you, and tells you that he's lucky you even know his name, let alone agree to go out with him, and says that he loves you, and has tears in his eyes when you say it back to him, and says that he wants to marry you, and tells you that you're the most important person in the world to him, and goes out of his way to show you how much he cares about you, and wishes you good morning and goodnight every single day, and you believe it all, and you feel the same about him, and you care about him, and you're there for him when he tells you that he's had difficulties in the past or the present, and your heart goes out to him, and you think that you're so full of happiness that you might burst, and everything is good in the world... and then it all turns out to have been a lie.

But I can't change it.

I accept that I will probably never find out what happened, or why.

I am going to talk through it all, but with a view to healing. I don't want to live in this sad state indefinitely.

Do you know your third paragraph reminds me of my ex when we started seeing each other. I only wanted to be friends but he persued me with vigour promised he wanted all the same things, he could make me happy, was very full on, sending me daily letters, ringing me etc. We got together and had two children and I cannot begin to tell you the lies he told to cover up his gambling, past, debts etc. A year after we split I was still finding out more. Two years ago I watched him do it to another woman, which was pretty horrible. The day he left he told his sister 'one door closes, another opens' after 9 years and 2 children together. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't me, it was him. This is how he is and its his pattern. He won't change, and accepting that has really helped me to deal we the contact I have with him because of the children.


I think you were unlucky enough to meet someone similar. You have to accept that as part of moving on. You trusted what you were told because you are a good person. That is not wrong. Unfortunately not everyone is like that and just be a bit more cautious next time.


Oh and by the way, this is my ex, not the supposed good friend I spoke about in my earlier post. I can't half pick 'em.......

justme111

What strikes me in both Tay's story and in the last post's one that women don't talk about good character qualities in those men but when describing what they liked about them say how they felt wanted and comfortable with them - the impression of which does not take much t create - loads of compliments , agreeing to everything and a woman thinks it is nice and sometimes thinks he wants her so.much and thinks she is out of his.league that. she is safe with him.
I thinks its a mistake although very understandable , a woman should go for a man not.because he.pursues her and how he.makes her feel but because she sees good qualities in him not related to him impressing her.

JoW123

justme111 wrote: »

What strikes me in both Tay's story and in the last post's one that women don't talk about good character qualities in those men but when describing what they liked about them say how they felt wanted and comfortable with them - the impression of which does not take much t create - loads of compliments , agreeing to everything and a woman thinks it is nice and sometimes thinks he wants her so.much and thinks she is out of his.league that. she is safe with him.
I thinks its a mistake although very understandable , a woman should go for a man not.because he.pursues her and how he.makes her feel but because she sees good qualities in him not related to him impressing her.

Yes I completely agree, but at the time I met my ex I was in a vulnerable place as I think Tay was after leaving her abusive husband. It's a lot easier to be manipulated without realising it when you aren't at your best. No man would ever do it to me now, but I've taken a long time to recover and been on my own for nearly five years. I know what I want in a man now, but it's not easy to find one.