Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

Primrose wrote: »

I'd view returning his stuff to him as rewarding his selfish behaviour. I personally would oblige him to make the effort to arrange to collect it if he wanted it back that badly. But you will be getting so much conflicting advice on here that at the end of the day it is probably just confusing you all the more and compounding the pain for you. Has enough water passed under the bridge for you yet to feel strong enough to decide on a specific course of action to deal with it and move forward? If he ever reappears, maybe your response might be. "Oh I assumed that you had died or moved away so there wasn't any point in trying to reunite you with your possessions." Dealing with the end of a relationships is in some ways harder than a bereavement because the latter is so final that you have no option but to know and accept it's true. With a breakup there is always a temptation to fantasise that a return to an earlier state is still a possibility. That is perhaps why it's even harder to let go because the flame of hope still flickers.

I'm starting to think that you're right. He hasn't asked for it back yet, which shows that he feels guilty. If he had ended it properly, he wouldn't hesitate to ask.

And yes, I still want things to be the way they were, of course I do. Even though I know it's pointless and a waste of time to feel like that.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

Anger is often see as a very negative, belittling emotions. I think that if it expressed appropriately, it is actually a very valuable emotion.

I don't get angry easily, but when I do, it just has to come out. I do get angry quite easily though in the face of injustice or when I think someone who doesn't deserve it is badly treated (I've been angry for you since the start of this thread ). The great thing about letting it out is that it does mean you get rid of all the toxins inside (ie. poisonous thoughts) and allow you to take a deep breath and start new positive thinking.

It's been almost 10 days hasn't it? It is a long time to not feel any better at all, so I personally think you should indeed consider letting it all out in anger and be done with it.

Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate them. That's an interesting point about letting out toxins, I hadn't thought of it.

Judi wrote: »

Re. His things I would be tempted to just chuck them but in all fairness I think you ought to send him a message saying.

'Your stuff is here if and when you want to collect them let me know but its in the way. If I don't hear from you within the month they are going in the bin'.

If you don't hear from him, that surely will give you closure.

Thanks Judi.

FBaby wrote: »

That wouldn't give me closure because by this stage, I would have no doubt that the relationship is over (would have accepted that from a couple of days of him not responding to text), but it still wouldn't answer the question 'why'.

We are all different, but for me, not knowing why makes it much more difficult to accept closure, because I don't like to turn a page without understand why I am turning it.

Same here

BrassicWoman

have a wee (((hug))) from me. I'm so glad you have spent the weekend being busy!

tayforth

BrassicWoman wrote: »

have a wee (((hug))) from me. I'm so glad you have spent the weekend being busy!

Thanks for the hug BrassicWoman, it's really appreciated.

I'm always touched by the kindness of complete strangers on MSE.

hieveryone

Good you have spent the weekend being busy.

Bad that you can still burst into tears at the thought of him.

Things aren't going to go back the way they were - so why the moping? And even if he turned up on your doorstep with flowers and apologies, would you want things to go back to the way they were?? Of course not!

You posted on the 21st May that in the previous few weeks to that things hadn't been great. So that's almost a month you've been down in the dumps about it, half the time you were actually 'together'.

You really need to move on, get busy, get help, whatever. But you cannot spend another month moping about, it is not good for your health, it really isn't.

Brighton_belle

hieveryone wrote: »

Things aren't going to go back the way they were - so why the moping?

It's only been 2 weeks and that time has been one of confusion. To have been deceived is half the grief in my opinion in situations like these. I'd still be upset and hurt - we can't all 'move on' to order. The relationship was a very happy time with hope for more to come. To discover you have been taken in by a liar is horrible and a shock. Crying is a good way to let out emotion in my experience. And is necessary part to moving on.


You've done well to keep busy all weekend Tay. I'm really sorry you've been put through this.

hieveryone

2 weeks since the first post, but had mentioned that in the previous few weeks things hadn't been great. That should have been the time to start cooling it and realising that it was maybe coming to an end. More than enough time really.

As someone else said, sorry if that's not 'huggy' enough, but mourning for a very short relationship for this long points at something a little deeper I feel.

dandelionclock30

Theres plenty of idiots and players and liars about. Dont give it another thought and get out instead with your friends and family.
He wont be thinking about you so why waste time and energy being upset. Theres no point and if you cant get over it then go see a counsellor or something. Honestly its not even worth a second thought, these things happen all the time to everyone.
Everyone has been hurt and let down by partners, its part of life.

tayforth

hieveryone wrote: »

Good you have spent the weekend being busy.

Bad that you can still burst into tears at the thought of him.

Things aren't going to go back the way they were - so why the moping? And even if he turned up on your doorstep with flowers and apologies, would you want things to go back to the way they were?? Of course not!

You posted on the 21st May that in the previous few weeks to that things hadn't been great. So that's almost a month you've been down in the dumps about it, half the time you were actually 'together'.

You really need to move on, get busy, get help, whatever. But you cannot spend another month moping about, it is not good for your health, it really isn't.

Would I want to be with someone who's treated me this way? No.

Do I find it hard to let go of my feelings for him in spite of all this? Yes. For now, anyway. I admit that.

Brighton_belle wrote: »

It's only been 2 weeks and that time has been one of confusion. To have been deceived is half the grief in my opinion in situations like these. I'd still be upset and hurt - we can't all 'move on' to order. The relationship was a very happy time with hope for more to come. To discover you have been taken in by a liar is horrible and a shock. Crying is a good way to let out emotion in my experience. And is necessary part to moving on.

You've done well to keep busy all weekend Tay. I'm really sorry you've been put through this.

Thank you, Brighton belle, that's very kind. Yes, it's the deceit that hurts the most. That and the loss of something that seemed to be really amazing xxx

hieveryone wrote: »

2 weeks since the first post, but had mentioned that in the previous few weeks things hadn't been great. That should have been the time to start cooling it and realising that it was maybe coming to an end. More than enough time really.

As someone else said, sorry if that's not 'huggy' enough, but mourning for a very short relationship for this long points at something a little deeper I feel.

What is the 'something deeper'? I ask because I wonder the same myself. But I haven't been able to pinpoint anything.

tayforth

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Theres plenty of idiots and players and liars about. Dont give it another thought and get out instead with your friends and family.
He wont be thinking about you so why waste time and energy being upset. Theres no point and if you cant get over it then go see a counsellor or something. Honestly its not even worth a second thought, these things happen all the time to everyone.
Everyone has been hurt and let down by partners, its part of life.

Thank you, dandelionclock30.