Heartbroken - just need to talk

lantanna

Just read this and this could have been me posting this a few months ago - I am still struggling but I guess you just have to try and force yourself to put it out of your head and get on with life and get yourself some other and new distractions. Hateful I totally agree but the only person that can move yourself past it is urself.


With my situation I am just trying to pretend that he doesn't exist and that I have gone back to my life before him.


It doesn't matter how long you were with someone if your anything like me you very rarely fall but when you do you fall hard !! xx

tayforth

CH27 wrote: »

Get angry!
How dare he treat me like this?
Who does he think he is? etc

spirit wrote: »

Do this ^^ Tay.

What do you like doing? Going to the gym, cinema with friends etc?

My favourite is a spa day. You can find good deals on Groupon, spabreaksdotcom, spaseekers etc. I went on my own for a day this week, but then I am happy in my own company. You could go with some friends or on your own.

lostinrates wrote: »

I disagree. I think things can definitely be helped by conscious strive to address them.

You cannot wake up and decide not to feel hurt any more, but you can decide not to let that hurt stop you moving forward.

I deleted a post about anger and am reporting something because even though I am not sure its useful to Tayforth directly I think chatting about different approaches and others failures might be. If my failings help her I'm happy to share.

For me getting angry is something I find very difficult. I find it harms me more than the person I am angry with. I'm not saying don't, I'm saying know yourself. I do get angry. ATM my difficulty in moving forward from a position of the after stage of anger...the...not forgetting part perhaps is contributory to a difficulty I am facing. The difference is its not with someone I can cut out of life forever, so maybe worth while if I were in tays position. Personally, I have not had much difficulty cutting out and moving on, which sounds incredibly cold hearted, but...there are so many wonderful people in the world to meet, I never really wanted to miss the opportunity, and I think I would have felt differently if treated the way Tay has been.

Thank you all. I wish that I could get angry, but I can't. It's not really in my nature. I'm a bit like LIR in that way.

I'm just so hurt and sad.

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you all. I wish that I could get angry, but I can't. It's not really in my nature. I'm a bit like LIR in that way.

I'm just so hurt and sad.

Tbc, I do get angry, its in my nature. . I just find it too easy to not let go of the anger and the after shock of the anger. So, its better for me to only go down the route of anger where its necessary. I find compartmentalisation more effective for MY contentment. I wouldn't find prolonged mourning a satisfactory alternative and would like to find a way to be more able to move on from things when I have to keep people in my life. ( e.g. Family). Once I shut down my affection its very hard for me to rekindle it. I phrase I say when asked is, why stick my hand in a fire a second time? Whereas, I guess what I'd be better doing is finding fireproof gloves of some sort. I just haven't found very good ones yet. . I'm a gloves off kinda gal. :rotfl:

tayforth

ab7 wrote: »

Aye, get angry, in fact get blo.. furious!!
And STOP looking for reasons to contact him/have contact.
- what if this was YOUR friend, mum, daughter - what would you be telling them? Did he poop roses? Nah, didnt think so. There must be some annoying/revolting habit he had - focus hard on it. My ex was picking his nose, disgusting!
Here's another way of looking at it - he loved you so much he set you free,..... now can you you do the same if you love him so much?

You have made so many patterns to what your possible future was your brain cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Please read this and do the exercises. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-165247/10-steps-heal-broken-heart.html
You need to do something different. Quote from this page.
"The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell you.
An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you don't answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up.
Opening the door to your feelings means learning to understand them. This can be hard, because heartbreak is complicated by other feelings: anger, fear and shame."
I'm trying to help by giving you something to do both at work and home which is pro-active that still involves you thinking about him, just not in a lovey-dovey way. If the exercises help, get the book. It has a chapter about dealing with the emotions of dating and avoiding the pitfalls you just went through. I wish you amazing discoveries about yourself.
P.s. Ladies and gents, thank you for reminding me this forum has some real caring members!

Thank you, ab7. That's very kind. I have a quick read through the article on my lunch break, I'm going to try the exercises tonight. I might get the book too.

JoW123 wrote: »

Do you know what's just struck me.....there are about forty+ posters on here, who don't even know you, showing more time and consideration for you than the man who professed to love you. I think it's time to get angry now. Who the hell does he think he is to treat you like this!!

Thank you for reminding me of this, because it's true.

tea_lover wrote: »

Write it down, give it to a friend you trust then delete it from your phone. It exists if you really need it some day, but there's far less temptation to call it in the middle of the night after a bottle of vodka and demand answers*.

*not that I've ever done this, oh no no.

I might do that, thank you tea lover.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

If you feel anxious at the prospect of not having the means any more of contacting him are tout sure you are ready to move on. If you are not will you be comfortable waiting for it to finally grab you or will it be quicker to connect him and really know where you stand (or stood)?

I don't think I'm ready to move on yet, tbh.

lantanna wrote: »

Just read this and this could have been me posting this a few months ago - I am still struggling but I guess you just have to try and force yourself to put it out of your head and get on with life and get yourself some other and new distractions. Hateful I totally agree but the only person that can move yourself past it is urself.

With my situation I am just trying to pretend that he doesn't exist and that I have gone back to my life before him.

It doesn't matter how long you were with someone if your anything like me you very rarely fall but when you do you fall hard !! xx

Thank you, lantanna. Do you mind telling me what happened in your situation?

Judi wrote: »

It doesn't help when you believe that despite others, he's your only one true love.:(

quantumleap

tayforth wrote: »

So... it seems that I need to buck up and move on from this limbo situation, and reach acceptance.

Any advice on how to do this? Words of wisdom?

Many years ago now I walked in on my then fianc!e cheating on me in our home. I was naturally devastated and whilst my situation was very different to yours, I felt that I might never recover or trust another woman again. I guess I’d lost my confidence and my faith in people. Each day was difficult.

Whilst in a friend’s house a few weeks later, his terminally ill mother called me into the kitchen and told me that her philosophy was a simple one…

“Yesterday’s history, tomorrows a mystery but today’s a gift”

Of course I didn’t immediately feel wonderful but after some thought it did make me realise that we only get one shot at life and that every day should be treasured – not spent allowing someone else to make you unhappy.

I wish you well.

CH27

tayforth wrote: »

I don't think I'm ready to move on yet, tbh.




Thank you, lantanna. Do you mind telling me what happened in your situation?

You have to move on my lovely. Wallowing is dragging you down. Choose to go forwards not downwards.

judyjetson

You know what, I've read your other thread on and off, and I think this isn't just about him, I think this is actually you grieving for your original relationship as well. I could be wrong, but it strikes me that your original break up left you more numb than anything else, and this could be it all coming out now.

Grief is a strange thing - it can be delayed for years even and can manifest itself under the most trivial or unconnected circumstances.

This is your first foray back into the dating world, it's the first, I'm sure, of many more. There won't be many on here who don't know how you're feeling right now. I bet you remember feeling like this before and you'll have thought you'd never get over it, but you did.

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbc, I do get angry, its in my nature. . I just find it too easy to not let go of the anger and the after shock of the anger. So, its better for me to only go down the route of anger where its necessary. I find compartmentalisation more effective for MY contentment. I wouldn't find prolonged mourning a satisfactory alternative and would like to find a way to be more able to move on from things when I have to keep people in my life. ( e.g. Family). Once I shut down my affection its very hard for me to rekindle it. I phrase I say when asked is, why stick my hand in a fire a second time? Whereas, I guess what I'd be better doing is finding fireproof gloves of some sort. I just haven't found very good ones yet. . I'm a gloves off kinda gal. :rotfl:

Thanks for clarifying!

I'm starting to think that it would help me to get angry. It seems healthier than being sad.

quantumleap wrote: »

Many years ago now I walked in on my then fianc!e cheating on me in our home. I was naturally devastated and whilst my situation was very different to yours, I felt that I might never recover or trust another woman again. I guess I’d lost my confidence and my faith in people. Each day was difficult.

Whilst in a friend’s house a few weeks later, his terminally ill mother called me into the kitchen and told me that her philosophy was a simple one…

“Yesterday’s history, tomorrows a mystery but today’s a gift”

Of course I didn’t immediately feel wonderful but after some thought it did make me realise that we only get one shot at life and that every day should be treasured – not spent allowing someone else to make you unhappy.

I wish you well.

What a lovely thing to say, and of course she was right.

I admit, I feel ashamed that I'm letting myself feel this way when there are many others with far bigger problems.

Thank you for sharing this (and I'm sorry that you were betrayed by your ex-fiancee). I hope that your confidence and happiness have returned.

CH27 wrote: »

You have to move on my lovely. Wallowing is dragging you down. Choose to go forwards not downwards.

Thank you, wise words xx

Kayalana99

Hiya Tay, I followed & posted a little on your last thread.

I'm not going to add any advice but I am sending you a gigantic virtual hug.

You deserve so much more then this & I am wishing you lots and lots of (good) luck!!!!