Heartbroken - just need to talk

spirit

CH27 wrote: »

Get angry!
How dare he treat me like this?
Who does he think he is? etc

Do this ^^ Tay.

What do you like doing? Going to the gym, cinema with friends etc?

My favourite is a spa day. You can find good deals on Groupon, spabreaksdotcom, spaseekers etc. I went on my own for a day this week, but then I am happy in my own company. You could go with some friends or on your own.

Robinette

tayforth wrote: »

So... it seems that I need to buck up and move on from this limbo situation, and reach acceptance.

Any advice on how to do this? Words of wisdom?

I'm not sure that you can choose to reach acceptance after the end of the relationship; rather, it is a natural progression.

The five stages of a relationship breakdown are denial (where your heart is still ruling your head), anger, bargaining (looking for any possible way to make the relationship work), depression and acceptance.

I think the fact that are looking for a way to get to the final stage means that you are well on your journey. Don't force things; the pain will pass and you will make peace with your loss.

ab7

Aye, get angry, in fact get blo.. furious!!
And STOP looking for reasons to contact him/have contact.
- what if this was YOUR friend, mum, daughter - what would you be telling them? Did he poop roses? Nah, didnt think so. There must be some annoying/revolting habit he had - focus hard on it. My ex was picking his nose, disgusting!
Here's another way of looking at it - he loved you so much he set you free,..... now can you you do the same if you love him so much?

You have made so many patterns to what your possible future was your brain cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Please read this and do the exercises. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-165247/10-steps-heal-broken-heart.html
You need to do something different. Quote from this page.
"The next stage is to learn to understand your emotional reactions better. Your feelings of heartbreak are unlikely to disappear unless you cope with what they are trying to tell you.
An emotion is a bit like someone knocking on your door to deliver a message. If you don't answer, it keeps knocking until you do open up.
Opening the door to your feelings means learning to understand them. This can be hard, because heartbreak is complicated by other feelings: anger, fear and shame."
I'm trying to help by giving you something to do both at work and home which is pro-active that still involves you thinking about him, just not in a lovey-dovey way. If the exercises help, get the book. It has a chapter about dealing with the emotions of dating and avoiding the pitfalls you just went through. I wish you amazing discoveries about yourself.
P.s. Ladies and gents, thank you for reminding me this forum has some real caring members!

JoW123

Do you know what's just struck me.....there are about forty+ posters on here, who don't even know you, showing more time and consideration for you than the man who professed to love you. I think it's time to get angry now. Who the hell does he think he is to treat you like this!!

lostinrates

Robinette wrote: »

I'm not sure that you can choose to reach acceptance after the end of the relationship; rather, it is a natural progression.
.

I disagree. I think things can definitely be helped by conscious strive to address them.

You cannot wake up and decide not to feel hurt any more, but you can decide not to let that hurt stop you moving forward.

I deleted a post about anger and am reporting something because even though I am not sure its useful to Tayforth directly I think chatting about different approaches and others failures might be. If my failings help her I'm happy to share.

For me getting angry is something I find very difficult. I find it harms me more than the person I am angry with. I'm not saying don't, I'm saying know yourself. I do get angry. ATM my difficulty in moving forward from a position of the after stage of anger...the...not forgetting part perhaps is contributory to a difficulty I am facing. The difference is its not with someone I can cut out of life forever, so maybe worth while if I were in tays position. Personally, I have not had much difficulty cutting out and moving on, which sounds incredibly cold hearted, but...there are so many wonderful people in the world to meet, I never really wanted to miss the opportunity, and I think I would have felt differently if treated the way Tay has been.

System

ab7 wrote: »

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-165247/10-steps-heal-broken-heart.html

What a helpful and well written article.

tayforth

Hello everyone, and thanks again for your kind comments.

I went to bed trying to stay positive, and yet again my mind went over and over everything in my sleep. Woke up feeling exhausted. Then I read this thread, and started to feel a bit more hopeful again xx

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Well, we're having a boozey girls night out Saturday, you're very welcome to join !!

Get busy living, as they say.

Doesn't matter if you don;t feel like it; fake it til you believe it.

Just.. live. Do. Be.

Thanks so much, there's nothing I'd like more than a good fun night out at the minute.

BrassicWoman wrote: »

one last one before I pop to bed... can't think where I read this but it's great advice!

Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A

Never regret something that once made you smile :A

sound familiar?

The first one is from after my marriage.

The second one I got from someone else's comment on here a couple of weeks ago, I added it to my sig in an attempt to convince myself... but I haven't yet.

Judi wrote: »

You need to go out and have some fun! Do something you enjoy. Indulge yourself for a while.... Well that's what I did.

Thanks Judi xx

tayforth

purpleshoes wrote: »

It's not really limbo you are in. It's being on the receiving end of someone who wasn't brave enough to tell you for whatever reason that your relationship was over.

It takes time. Even when people are told by the other person, its ok not to want to accept it, or still love that person. You feel how you feel on any given day.

One thing I will say though, it's easy to fall under someone's spell when they are being very full on towards you. If he hadn't been so full on himself, your relationship might have moved at a slower pace and your feelings also might not have got involved so quickly.

Time, seeing people who truly care about you, keeping yourself occupied and also realising that you had a decent life before you met him and you will have again.

This is probably true.

FBaby wrote: »

If you are going to really move on and totally put him out of your mind, I think you need to take the step of deleting his phone number so you are never tempted to contact him and store his things in the back of your deepest cupboard. Then sign up on a dating site to distract you.

Thank you. I'm not ready to delete his number, and I'm definitely not ready to date anyone else. But I will put his stuff away out of sight.

Robinette wrote: »

I'm not sure that you can choose to reach acceptance after the end of the relationship; rather, it is a natural progression.

The five stages of a relationship breakdown are denial (where your heart is still ruling your head), anger, bargaining (looking for any possible way to make the relationship work), depression and acceptance.

I think the fact that are looking for a way to get to the final stage means that you are well on your journey. Don't force things; the pain will pass and you will make peace with your loss.

I'm not sure what stage I'm at, I seem to be stuck between denial and bargaining.

tea_lover

tayforth wrote: »

I'm not ready to delete his number,

Write it down, give it to a friend you trust then delete it from your phone. It exists if you really need it some day, but there's far less temptation to call it in the middle of the night after a bottle of vodka and demand answers*.

*not that I've ever done this, oh no no.

FBaby

If you feel anxious at the prospect of not having the means any more of contacting him are tout sure you are ready to move on. If you are not will you be comfortable waiting for it to finally grab you or will it be quicker to connect him and really know where you stand (or stood)?