Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

This is exactly my point the need to move on from thinking it might be her fault but for some people it is easier to do so when you get some evidence to confirm it rather than just telling yourself it is the case.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Confronting him might not give her evidence. My experience of people who lie in relationships, given half a chance, they'll tell you more lies.

The only thing that the OP can find out for sure if she turns up at his home, is if he is with someone else and only then if he has a girlfriend or wife who happens to be in at the time she turns up.

Otherwise, he'll just tell her a load of old bull, people who behave as badly as he has rarely get an attack of conscience and come clean as to why they've done what they've done.

Depending on the reasons why he's done what he's done, she could end up feeling much worse if she actually arranges to meet him. I wouldnt trust a word he said anyway.

You both make a lot of sense.

I wish I knew what to do.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

I think some people are better at controlling when to let go than others. I find it difficult if not impossible to do so before I have gained understanding because it is the learning that comes out of it that allows me to decide what to do next and therefore move on.

I can reflect about certain situations years later if I don't think I have learnt from them. In the example of the guy who dumped me suddenly because of still being in love with someone allowed me to understand that some people can be positive and forthcoming about the future yet still holding on to the past which will inevitably pull them back. I understood that because by asking him for an explanation he respected me enough to give me one.

This guy might not do so but then he might. I would say if you are still itching to contact him in the hope of an explanation after 9 days then you might as well do it. What's the worse that can happen? He still doesn't respond and you are no way worse than you are now. Or show himself to be a total as!!! and it will become easier to put it behind you or he gives you a heartfelt explanation and you feel a bit more knowledgeable helping you again to turn the page.

This is what I fear - never understanding what happened and letting it bother me years down the line.

A long time ago, a guy suddenly dumped me via text with no warning that anything was amiss between us. I was confused and wondered what had gone wrong. I found out a week later that he'd gone back to his ex. From that moment, I was able to move on. It was a shame, but at least I knew why he'd done it. Also, dumping via text isn't the best way to do it, but at least he ended it.

This is very different.

tea_lover wrote: »

* he doesn't reply, OP feels annoyed with herself for giving in and contacting him
* he does reply, is rude to OP
* he does reply, tells OP he's actually married and to leave him alone
* he replies with some plausible sounding excuse, OP spends the next few weeks wondering when he'll go off the radar again
* he replies, OP has no way of knowing whether he's telling the truth and doesn't actually get any answers one way or the other

Obviously there could be better outcomes too, but I think there's a danger that you (general you there) end up feeling like a stalker and irritated with yourself for not just leaving it.

The message is loud and clear from him - if he wanted to be in contact he would have been by now. You can't make someone give you verbal answers when their actions have already said everything they're going to.

I know, none of those is ideal. But the first two would at least give me an answer.

The third one - I'm not sure what excuse there could be.

The fourth one would be the worst. Although there's nothing that could justify his lack of contact, and I'd be saying that to him.

tayforth

Mojisola wrote: »

Stick them in the back of a cupboard. If he really wants them, he's going to have to contact you.

OK, I'll leave them be and put them out of sight for now.

Primrose wrote: »

Tayforth, He's probably realised he's left his items at your house. Maybe he's hoping you might return them in due course of your own volition. Don't! If he wants them badly enough he's going to have to come and get them. Are they valuable and personal, or just CDs or something which he could easily replace? He may have to write them off as the price he pays.

They're not that cheap, and I'm not sure if you can still buy them. But they're not personal/family heirlooms or anything.

System

A long times ago, a guy suddenly dumped me via text with no warning that anything was amiss between us. I was confused and wondered what had gone wrong. I found out a week later that he'd gone back to his ex. From that moment, I was able to move on. It was a shame, but at least I knew why he'd done it. Also, dumping via text isn't the best way to do it, but at least he ended it.

Theres nothing worse than being left dangling.

spirit

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you Izadora xx




I haven't done this. I find it hard to believe that he has someone else, but I suppose you never know.

Thank you for the kind words xx




Thank you, spirit. I wish I could get angry, really I do. My friends are angry on my behalf xx

Don't worry Tay, the anger phase will follow soon :A

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd dump his stuff on his front doorstep with a note saying 'you left these when you last stayed with me - Tay' and walk away without looking back.

That way, he gets his stuff back, his crap is out of your house, you don't have to look at it anymore - and if he's got a wife/girlfriend that he never mentioned, he's going to have to answer a few questions.

System

spirit wrote: »

Don't worry Tay, the anger phase will follow soon :A

The anger phrase will get you through.

aileth

I know snooping probably isn't the best thing to do, but does he have a Facebook or other social media? Might be a few clues on there if he's leading a double life and may shed some light on things.

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

Theres nothing worse than being left dangling.

This is so, so true.

spirit wrote: »

Don't worry Tay, the anger phase will follow soon :A

Judi wrote: »

The anger phrase will get you through.

Thank you both. I hope so.

tayforth

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I'd dump his stuff on his front doorstep with a note saying 'you left these when you last stayed with me - Tay' and walk away without looking back.

That way, he gets his stuff back, his crap is out of your house, you don't have to look at it anymore - and if he's got a wife/girlfriend that he never mentioned, he's going to have to answer a few questions.

I've promised myself that I won't go to his house. So this isn't an option. But thank you Jojo xx

aileth wrote: »

I know snooping probably isn't the best thing to do, but does he have a Facebook or other social media? Might be a few clues on there if he's leading a double life and may shed some light on things.

He said that he wasn't on SM. I realise that this could be a lie...