Heartbroken - just need to talk

spiritsfree

I have read your posts over the past year or so Tay and can relate to a lot of what you have experienced.

My journey has been long, and for much, on an uneven and bumpy road. I have had to learn to love myself and like who i am, but also to see people for who they really are. Not what they say, but more importantly for their actions to back up those words. Not what I hoped they would be, or who they may be, but who they really are.
Communicating is an important quality, as well as being true to your word and consistency. When i have looked back I could see what I had overlooked, excused, and accepted, and seen the person for their actions and lack of depth....and been able to set myself free from my self imposed doubts and qualities....Looking at them as well as me gave me some enlightenment on the truth, hard as it was.
Mindfulness has been so important to me in the past year, and giving a joy, since i can now give of me and not what others want me to be or give !!
With love inside yourself there can be an amazing amount you have to give,(and there`s no doubt to me that you are a special lady) rather than be stripped of your energy, it revitalises you :A

Time for you to maybe reflect, see who you are, value who you are, know who you are and want to be, and feel that energy inside you ?? It is NOT your fault that you BF has chosen to act as he has. It doesn`t make you a bad person, it reconfirms your qualities as you would not act in such a manner !! I`m afraid some people ARE how they act, and unaware or sensitive enough to consider other people or their feelings, caught up in their own ego.

I have forgiven the people in my life that acted badly and with only their own self interest at heart. I have set myself free from the weight of THEIR actions as I have seen that who i was then, i am not now !! ( and I am an ok person) Life is so full of lessons that we have to learn, ....about ourselves and others, and the bigger the "knock" the more we learn. It`s experiences of life, and sometimes they are mighty hard !! Ultimately we have to be blatantly true to, and about, ourselves....what we allowed is a choice we make......what we think as well, although sometimes the mind isn`t easy to control and will venture away with all sorts of negative thoughts. Every day we make choices, so make a choice to feel your love, and realise that it is yours, what you feel, and just how much you have to give....and can receive That, indeed, you are a good person and can be positive about yourself. Other people`s problems are NOT yours to take on and burden you, although I know you would be there to help them help themselves ?

You have had, and are still having, a tough time, with other people`s problems, hopefully you will look back and see some lesson learnt without punishing yourself for being a "NICE" person, and feel now what you have to give to yourself, and then to others :A

Live with love and peace Tay....and it`s the journey, not the destination, that`s important

spirit

tayforth wrote: »

It does seem crazy. I've been torturing myself about it all, I just can't get past all these questions. Why would he do that? Why say that he loves me, and not mean it? What's happened?



In the nicest possible way Tay, you must stop doing this. Like I said before, you will drive yourself mad by doing so - and you won't find the answer by constantly torturing yourself.

Maybe get angry with him for treating you this way?

Bluebell68

Tayforth I am truly sorry you are going through all of this
easy to say head up an smile
when that's last thing you want to do
but
It may help?
may get back to him that your not staying in waiting for the damn phone to ring that would drive him nuts thinking "what she's not in the house waiting for me to ring, email or text her how can that be?"

I do totally understand what an how you are feeling
some people are just the way he is he may not even see he is doing anything wrong Morons rarely do
YOU are a lovely strong person don't let this carp put you back

You could just turn up at his place knock on the door see what happens?
you could just sit in your car seeing if another woman goes in with him?

Or you could think sod him its his loss im a better more decent honest person than he is doesn't deserve me or my LOVE

Do what you think is right
we are all hear if you want to talk an I do no sometimes talking things thro hurts but getting it out an said is the start

don't let him put you back in the horrible place you were in
you are a strong brave lovely person
head up hunni
take care
Bluebell

trevorsminted

I haven't read this whole thread through so if this has already been mentioned then ignore me but have you had a good look for him on the web, social media etc to suss if he has a GR or even a wife, really don't want to hurt you as you sound really lovely and a nice woman for some lucky man one day but some men get a kick out of the initial reel someone in tell them nonsense then leave I would say the only decency this loser had was not to take it any further, you have had a lucky escape you may really not see that now but trust me one day you will breathe a sigh of relief!

CH27

I may have missed this but how much do you know about his accident & injuries?

trevorsminted

That's my point CH nothing really is known but its amazing what you can find out if you want to however hard it would be to stomach I would still want to know if the sleaze ball had fed me a load I think for sanity purposes you would need to know and then be able to put it to bed.

hieveryone

tayforth wrote: »

I was very careful not to prompt this guy to say 'I love you' in the last few weeks. He always said it first. Even in our last conversation (last Monday), he was saying it. In fact, he didn't just say 'I love you', he talked about our future together, told me how amazing I was, all that stuff. Completely unprompted by me.

Yep, I was the same. I talked back to him about our future etc. I even put down a deposit on a flat with him, ready to move into.

But I was just trying to make myself believe it, and it didn't work. He was (is!) a lovely lovely guy, and had it been right for me then I would have been a very lucky girl. But it just wasn't right for me, and actually, his complete devotion to me started to really smother me and I couldn't wait to get away.

What I'm about to write is not meant to be a criticism, or an attack on you personally, just how I see it from the outside (and feel free to ignore totally!). But from what I've read, it seems like you pinned ALL your hopes on this guy, too soon.

You got validation from the fact that he said he loved you, talked about a future etc, and enjoyed that feeling (hell, we all do!!). But when you rely on someone for that validation, and that feeling, you are putting yourself at a huge risk - which you have unfortunately found out.

Had you been a little more sure of yourself this wouldn't hurt half as much as it does.

My honest, open suggestion is that you start to love YOURSELF before looking for someone else to do it. That way, if someone 'removes' their love from you, you still have your own to rely on.

purpleshoes_2

FBaby wrote: »

I see it totally the other way. By not contacting him, you are making it easy for him. I bet he is even convincing yourself that you are clearly not that bothered anyway since you are not contacting him yourself and he has no reason to feel bad.

I think he deserves to feel the pain of some guilt which I think from what you describe him, he would feel if he knew you were upset.

Ultimately, he has chosen the selfish way out to make it easier for him, so you are entitled to be selfish and do what will make it easier for YOU. If it is to forget about it all, then do that, if it is to contact him and ask for an explanation do it. It's not about him, or about keeping face etc..., it's now about you and what you need to move on the quickest.

He may not feel guilt. She might go to his door and his wife/gf might answer. If the OP tries to find answers she has to realise that she might find answers she really doesn't want to hear.

Plus if hes lied about the accident, lied about the bleeding from the ear which is also possible, I think its very likely that he'll lie when confronted about why hes behaved like this.

Also, she has tried to get in touch with him, she sent him a message last week which she posted on here and he ignored it.

He could be a total liar from start to end and he might not give a hoot if the OP was upset. Also, I dont think someone hits their 30s and then immediately starts behaving like this. I would bet that the OP won't be the first girl he's messed around and Im sure she won't be the last either.

If the OP wants to find answers she will need to be prepared for certain scenarios. He could slam the door in her face, put the phone down on her, if he has a gf or wife she could get involved. He could tell more lies.

I don't think that someone who has acted in the way this man would be any way truthful about why he decided to cut contact. He may have been nice in the run up to his disappearing act, but he's certainly not acted with any decency since.

FBaby

He may not feel guilt. She might go to his door and his wife/gf might answer. If the OP tries to find answers she has to realise that she might find answers she really doesn't want to hear.

I think Tay knows that already. It is beyond hoping for a good explanation, the intention now would be to know what it is so that the questions in her head stops and she can focus on the reason why he was no good rather that remembering the good times.

It wouldn't be about believing his words either, but more a case of reading his expressions, tone of his voice etc... I expect she would see a very side to him that he has ever shown before and that would help move her moving on.

What she needs to grieve is the idea she had inevitably built in her mind about the potential lovely future they could have had together. Until she can see that he is not the man she thought, she will still feel regrets that will eat her inside. If however she can see who is really is, she can start focussing on the fact she had a lucky escape.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

I think Tay knows that already. It is beyond hoping for a good explanation, the intention now would be to know what it is so that the questions in her head stops and she can focus on the reason why he was no good rather that remembering the good times.

It wouldn't be about believing his words either, but more a case of reading his expressions, tone of his voice etc... I expect she would see a very side to him that he has ever shown before and that would help move her moving on.

What she needs to grieve is the idea she had inevitably built in her mind about the potential lovely future they could have had together. Until she can see that he is not the man she thought, she will still feel regrets that will eat her inside. If however she can see who is really is, she can start focussing on the fact she had a lucky escape.

I think while this is all very right, a possible alternative in this scenario is Tay forth gets nothing from him, he's not there and she just gets an incredible tongue lashing, or worse, from an angry partner and the partner feels awful, and tayforth who feels very fragile right now, and its been suggested disproportionately so then perhaps that would suggest her frame of mind is LEAST primed for resilience.