Heartbroken - just need to talk

FBaby

I still think it would be easier to get on worth life then because she knows she had nothing to regret. No what ifs, no what could I have done differently, no it's all my fault.

tea_lover

FBaby wrote: »

I still think it would be easier to get on worth life then because she knows she had nothing to regret. No what ifs, no what could I have done differently, no it's all my fault.

But shouldn't that be obvious already? The guy has changed plans at least twice and hasn't been at touch at all in 8 days, after previously professing undying love. What more is needed to write him off as a !!!!! and move away with your head held high?

Going looking for answers gives the impression that there is some explanation he could possibly give for behaving like that.

purpleshoes_2

FBaby wrote: »

I still think it would be easier to get on worth life then because she knows she had nothing to regret. No what ifs, no what could I have done differently, no it's all my fault.

Its not her fault though, none of this. He came up with some story about being involved in a car accident. Didnt turn up to see her twice and then read a message she sent him saying she was really worried and didnt bother responding.

Shes upset Im assuming because hes been mr lovely and then hes turned into mr not so lovely and shes thinking, it must have been me, Ive done something to make him change towards me.

When in reality, he either has someone else who has found out whats been going on or hes spectacularly messed up and has done this to other women.

As I said before, when you confront a liar you'll get more lies. She can't trust a word he says anyway, so it's really tough getting closure from someone who can't be bothered telling the truth and doesn't even have the courtesy to respond to a message. After he's milked this so called car accident for what its worth and caused her to worry.

When it's very likely he was never injured in the first place and if that's the case he's a nasty piece of work and she's much better off without him.

The feelings the OP has for him will fade in time.

purpleshoes_2

lostinrates wrote: »

I think while this is all very right, a possible alternative in this scenario is Tay forth gets nothing from him, he's not there and she just gets an incredible tongue lashing, or worse, from an angry partner and the partner feels awful, and tayforth who feels very fragile right now, and its been suggested disproportionately so then perhaps that would suggest her frame of mind is LEAST primed for resilience.

I think the OP needs to consider all the situations that might happen if she turns up at his home looking for answers. A huge scene could set her back, not provide closure.

FBaby

This is exactly my point the need to move on from thinking it might be her fault but for some people it is easier to do so when you get some evidence to confirm it rather than just telling yourself it is the case.

purpleshoes_2

FBaby wrote: »

This is exactly my point the need to move on from thinking it might be her fault but for some people it is easier to do so when you get some evidence to confirm it rather than just telling yourself it is the case.

Confronting him might not give her evidence. My experience of people who lie in relationships, given half a chance, they'll tell you more lies.

The only thing that the OP can find out for sure if she turns up at his home, is if he is with someone else and only then if he has a girlfriend or wife who happens to be in at the time she turns up.

Otherwise, he'll just tell her a load of old bull, people who behave as badly as he has rarely get an attack of conscience and come clean as to why they've done what they've done.

Depending on the reasons why he's done what he's done, she could end up feeling much worse if she actually arranges to meet him. I wouldnt trust a word he said anyway.

tayforth

I am reading all your posts, thanks so much. You're all very kind and it really helps to hear your views. I'll post shortly.

Just to reassure you all - whatever I do, I won't be turning up at his house uninvited. That's not something I would ever do.

tayforth

suziemoon wrote: »

It's easy for me to say "he wasn't the right one for you" but I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Please don't feel that you've got to be in a relationship to be someone, you are a fabulous lady and you have got so far without a man. View him as a bonus if he turns up but be on the look out for someone else, someone who will respect you and care for you how you deserve to be. Hope you're feeling happier. XX

I don't feel that I have to be in a relationship to be someone, honestly. I would rather be single than with the wrong person; I was lonelier in my marriage than I was on my own.

I'm just finding it hard to let go of my feelings for this guy. I wish I could.

JoW123 wrote: »

I wonder unfortunately if you not having been to his place is telling as in maybe he did have something to hide? I'm really sorry it's ended like this, especially when you have been so open and trusting. Some people just aren't who they seem to be. It's not your fault, honestly, and it does hurt like hell, but the pain does fade in time.

With hindsight, I can see that.

Thanks for the reassurance xx

JoW123 wrote: »

It makes sense to me as I had something a bit similar happen to me. I got in touch with an ex boyfriend from school (well actually he found me..) a few years back and when my relationship was breaking up he was incredibly supportive having been a single parent himself. We e-mailed each other regularly and started to meet up. I was convinced that it was all meant to be all along and we would end up together. It went on for a few months and then suddenly he kept making more and more excuses not to meet up, wasn't there when I rang etc. He told me to phone him Christmas Eve and was out. When I challenged him he said he was having a bad time, felt low etc. Anyway it went on for a few more weeks until he finally let me down once to often. So I just didn't e-mail back one day, and I never heard from him again. I cried more tears than I did over my ex because the utter disappointment was excrutiating. But one day I realised that actually he was just not the person I thought he was, and I would survive. And I have.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. What a horrible way to end a relationship.

I'm glad that you had that realisation, and that things are better for you now xx

tayforth

tea_lover wrote: »

It does, and I think most of us have been there in some form.

Part of this post really stood out to me:


To be so cut up after a couple of months probably IS too deep, too soon. Maybe it felt gradual at the time, but from a complete outsider's point of view, it looks anything but. But as I say... a complete outsider... so feel free to ignore me totally .

I mean absolutely no offence at all by this, but it does seem as if you're lacking a bit of perspective on this - which is understandable when you're upset of course. You've known this guy a couple of months, never met his friends/family, never been to his house, he hasn't contacted you at all for over a week... but you seem determined to find reasons for his behaviour (other than the painful, irritating but obvious-looking ones that have been suggested).

I hope this hasn't come across badly! I really do feel for you, we've all had our hearts trodden on by people who never deserved to have access to them. But by constantly looking for answers and explanations you are giving him the power to go on hurting you - he doesn't deserve that, and you deserve better.

I know. I tried not to get in too deep too soon, I thought that I was taking it slowly (because I was letting him do all the talking about the future etc), but the truth is that I fell for him very quickly and deeply.

lostinrates wrote: »

Yes, very much.

But I think its not about other people so much but about you and the value you are placing on your love and others.

I have faith that you can put back that ripped heart. But No one can rip out your heart unless YOU give them that power.

You might not have seen his cross words, maybe his personality flaws aren't heat and anger, maybe they are deception and cowardice? Who knows?

Thank you, LIR. I know, I shouldn't love someone who has behaved in this way. And I have the power to stop loving him. I just can't seem to find it yet.

NAR wrote: »

Tayforth I think the minimum you deserve is an explanation. Of course you are devastated when you think you have found a possible Mr Right and then without reason the carpet is whipped from under you.
Unfortunately he has shown you no respect, so does he deserve yours any longer? I think not. So it is a case of licking your wounds and trying to move on (easier said then done I know).

Easier said than done, yes. But thank you, NAR. That's very kind of you xx

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

It's been 8 days now, so really you are left with the two choices mentioned, either you accept that you will never get an answer as to why he went quiet and therefore you need to stop torturing yourself with all the possible scenarios and totally turn the page (ie. delete his number from your phone), or if like me you can't do that, call him, or even better, show up at his place and whilst remaining totally calm (which you are naturally, so that wouldn't be too hard!), say that you are totally confused as to what has happened and would he mind letting you know what happened on his part so you can move on.

I know it might sound terrible, but when I met my husband and I knew I would fall madly in love with him so had to check that he was single. First I checked him out on 192, then I suggested going out to dinner somewhere close to him, hoping he would himself suggest meeting at his place and walking there (he did!), and then when after our 3rd date he suggested I joined him to a friend's birthday party (and his friends were welcoming towards me, one saying that he looked so happy since he'd met me), I knew that this was a worry I could put behind me.

Thank you, FBaby. It doesn't sound terrible at all, I wish that I'd done the same.

BrassicWoman wrote: »

I do. Don't give him the satisfaction of contact and letting him know you are upset. He is not worth is and you'll only be stroking his ego. Expect him to be in touch in 3, 6 or 12 months time just to see if you'll come running. And be ready to totally ignore it. No response at all.

Now come on. Glad rags on. Make yourself go out and about. Get on a dating site and shout "NEXT"!

Thanks, BrassicWoman. I don't feel up to meeting anyone else in the near future, but I appreciate your kind words.

As for him getting in touch, I admit that a small part of me hopes that he will.

FBaby wrote: »

I see it totally the other way. By not contacting him, you are making it easy for him. I bet he is even convincing yourself that you are clearly not that bothered anyway since you are not contacting him yourself and he has no reason to feel bad.

I think he deserves to feel the pain of some guilt which I think from what you describe him, he would feel if he knew you were upset.

Ultimately, he has chosen the selfish way out to make it easier for him, so you are entitled to be selfish and do what will make it easier for YOU. If it is to forget about it all, then do that, if it is to contact him and ask for an explanation do it. It's not about him, or about keeping face etc..., it's now about you and what you need to move on the quickest.

This is what I've been tempted to do.

I so want to contact him. I am trying to stop wondering what's happened, but so far I can't. My mind won't stop going over it.