Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

Izadora wrote: »

I think all you can do is accept that you're probably never going to find out what made him suddenly stop contacting you. If he's not been in touch for 8 days, after you've sent messages asking if everything's okay, then I don't see that there's any reason he give for it which would be excusable.

Yes, trusting him turned out to be a mistake and it's going to hurt for a while but you need to remember that not all men are that rubbish and hopefully the next one you meet will be nicer.

Thank you Izadora xx

trevorsminted wrote: »

I haven't read this whole thread through so if this has already been mentioned then ignore me but have you had a good look for him on the web, social media etc to suss if he has a GR or even a wife, really don't want to hurt you as you sound really lovely and a nice woman for some lucky man one day but some men get a kick out of the initial reel someone in tell them nonsense then leave I would say the only decency this loser had was not to take it any further, you have had a lucky escape you may really not see that now but trust me one day you will breathe a sigh of relief!

I haven't done this. I find it hard to believe that he has someone else, but I suppose you never know.

Thank you for the kind words xx

spirit wrote: »

tayforth wrote: »

It does seem crazy. I've been torturing myself about it all, I just can't get past all these questions. Why would he do that? Why say that he loves me, and not mean it? What's happened?

In the nicest possible way Tay, you must stop doing this. Like I said before, you will drive yourself mad by doing so - and you won't find the answer by constantly torturing yourself.

Maybe get angry with him for treating you this way?

Thank you, spirit. I wish I could get angry, really I do. My friends are angry on my behalf xx

tayforth

spiritsfree wrote: »

I have read your posts over the past year or so Tay and can relate to a lot of what you have experienced.

My journey has been long, and for much, on an uneven and bumpy road. I have had to learn to love myself and like who i am, but also to see people for who they really are. Not what they say, but more importantly for their actions to back up those words. Not what I hoped they would be, or who they may be, but who they really are.
Communicating is an important quality, as well as being true to your word and consistency. When i have looked back I could see what I had overlooked, excused, and accepted, and seen the person for their actions and lack of depth....and been able to set myself free from my self imposed doubts and qualities....Looking at them as well as me gave me some enlightenment on the truth, hard as it was.
Mindfulness has been so important to me in the past year, and giving a joy, since i can now give of me and not what others want me to be or give !!
With love inside yourself there can be an amazing amount you have to give,(and there`s no doubt to me that you are a special lady) rather than be stripped of your energy, it revitalises you :A

Time for you to maybe reflect, see who you are, value who you are, know who you are and want to be, and feel that energy inside you ?? It is NOT your fault that you BF has chosen to act as he has. It doesn`t make you a bad person, it reconfirms your qualities as you would not act in such a manner !! I`m afraid some people ARE how they act, and unaware or sensitive enough to consider other people or their feelings, caught up in their own ego.

I have forgiven the people in my life that acted badly and with only their own self interest at heart. I have set myself free from the weight of THEIR actions as I have seen that who i was then, i am not now !! ( and I am an ok person) Life is so full of lessons that we have to learn, ....about ourselves and others, and the bigger the "knock" the more we learn. It`s experiences of life, and sometimes they are mighty hard !! Ultimately we have to be blatantly true to, and about, ourselves....what we allowed is a choice we make......what we think as well, although sometimes the mind isn`t easy to control and will venture away with all sorts of negative thoughts. Every day we make choices, so make a choice to feel your love, and realise that it is yours, what you feel, and just how much you have to give....and can receive That, indeed, you are a good person and can be positive about yourself. Other people`s problems are NOT yours to take on and burden you, although I know you would be there to help them help themselves ?

You have had, and are still having, a tough time, with other people`s problems, hopefully you will look back and see some lesson learnt without punishing yourself for being a "NICE" person, and feel now what you have to give to yourself, and then to others :A

Live with love and peace Tay....and it`s the journey, not the destination, that`s important

I read this last night and it made me cry. You're right, it is better to judge people by their actions, not their words. And perhaps I do need to be more perceptive.

Thank you for your kindness xxx

Bluebell68 wrote: »

Tayforth I am truly sorry you are going through all of this
easy to say head up an smile
when that's last thing you want to do
but
It may help?
may get back to him that your not staying in waiting for the damn phone to ring that would drive him nuts thinking "what she's not in the house waiting for me to ring, email or text her how can that be?"

I do totally understand what an how you are feeling
some people are just the way he is he may not even see he is doing anything wrong Morons rarely do
YOU are a lovely strong person don't let this carp put you back

You could just turn up at his place knock on the door see what happens?
you could just sit in your car seeing if another woman goes in with him?

Or you could think sod him its his loss im a better more decent honest person than he is doesn't deserve me or my LOVE

Do what you think is right
we are all hear if you want to talk an I do no sometimes talking things thro hurts but getting it out an said is the start

don't let him put you back in the horrible place you were in
you are a strong brave lovely person
head up hunni
take care
Bluebell

Thank you for the lovely supportive pep talk, Bluebell. It is helping me to talk, honestly. It makes me feel like I'm not going through it all alone.

CH27 wrote: »

I may have missed this but how much do you know about his accident & injuries?

Only what he told me. I haven't seen him since.

tayforth

Just another thing... he left some of his stuff in my house (including a couple of items I know he really likes). What to do about it??

FBaby

I think some people are better at controlling when to let go than others. I find it difficult if not impossible to do so before I have gained understanding because it is the learning that comes out of it that allows me to decide what to do next and therefore move on.

I can reflect about certain situations years later if I don't think I have learnt from them. In the example of the guy who dumped me suddenly because of still being in love with someone allowed me to understand that some people can be positive and forthcoming about the future yet still holding on to the past which will inevitably pull them back. I understood that because by asking him for an explanation he respected me enough to give me one.

This guy might not do so but then he might. I would say if you are still itching to contact him in the hope of an explanation after 9 days then you might as well do it. What's the worse that can happen? He still doesn't respond and you are no way worse than you are now. Or show himself to be a total as!!! and it will become easier to put it behind you or he gives you a heartfelt explanation and you feel a bit more knowledgeable helping you again to turn the page.

tea_lover

FBaby wrote: »

I would say if you are still itching to contact him in the hope of an explanation after 9 days then you might as well do it. What's the worse that can happen?

* he doesn't reply, OP feels annoyed with herself for giving in and contacting him
* he does reply, is rude to OP
* he does reply, tells OP he's actually married and to leave him alone
* he replies with some plausible sounding excuse, OP spends the next few weeks wondering when he'll go off the radar again
* he replies, OP has no way of knowing whether he's telling the truth and doesn't actually get any answers one way or the other

Obviously there could be better outcomes too, but I think there's a danger that you (general you there) end up feeling like a stalker and irritated with yourself for not just leaving it.

The message is loud and clear from him - if he wanted to be in contact he would have been by now. You can't make someone give you verbal answers when their actions have already said everything they're going to.

Mojisola

tayforth wrote: »

Just another thing... he left some of his stuff in my house (including a couple of items I know he really likes). What to do about it??

Stick them in the back of a cupboard. If he really wants them, he's going to have to contact you.

Primrose

Tayforth, He's probably realised he's left his items at your house. Maybe he's hoping you might return them in due course of your own volition. Don't! If he wants them badly enough he's going to have to come and get them. Are they valuable and personal, or just CDs or something which he could easily replace? He may have to write them off as the price he pays.

tayforth

hieveryone wrote: »

Yep, I was the same. I talked back to him about our future etc. I even put down a deposit on a flat with him, ready to move into.

But I was just trying to make myself believe it, and it didn't work. He was (is!) a lovely lovely guy, and had it been right for me then I would have been a very lucky girl. But it just wasn't right for me, and actually, his complete devotion to me started to really smother me and I couldn't wait to get away.

What I'm about to write is not meant to be a criticism, or an attack on you personally, just how I see it from the outside (and feel free to ignore totally!). But from what I've read, it seems like you pinned ALL your hopes on this guy, too soon.

You got validation from the fact that he said he loved you, talked about a future etc, and enjoyed that feeling (hell, we all do!!). But when you rely on someone for that validation, and that feeling, you are putting yourself at a huge risk - which you have unfortunately found out.

Had you been a little more sure of yourself this wouldn't hurt half as much as it does.

My honest, open suggestion is that you start to love YOURSELF before looking for someone else to do it. That way, if someone 'removes' their love from you, you still have your own to rely on.

I know I fell for him very quickly. And I took a huge risk by doing that.

But honestly, all the talk of the future, it was all him. I was the one saying that it was too soon for that sort of talk.

And it's not that I suddenly think I'm an awful person. The removal of his love is hurting me not because I don't love myself any more, but because I still love him.

trevorsminted wrote: »

That's my point CH nothing really is known but its amazing what you can find out if you want to however hard it would be to stomach I would still want to know if the sleaze ball had fed me a load I think for sanity purposes you would need to know and then be able to put it to bed.

Thank you xx

tayforth

purpleshoes wrote: »

He may not feel guilt. She might go to his door and his wife/gf might answer. If the OP tries to find answers she has to realise that she might find answers she really doesn't want to hear.

Plus if hes lied about the accident, lied about the bleeding from the ear which is also possible, I think its very likely that he'll lie when confronted about why hes behaved like this.

Also, she has tried to get in touch with him, she sent him a message last week which she posted on here and he ignored it.

He could be a total liar from start to end and he might not give a hoot if the OP was upset. Also, I dont think someone hits their 30s and then immediately starts behaving like this. I would bet that the OP won't be the first girl he's messed around and Im sure she won't be the last either.

If the OP wants to find answers she will need to be prepared for certain scenarios. He could slam the door in her face, put the phone down on her, if he has a gf or wife she could get involved. He could tell more lies.

I don't think that someone who has acted in the way this man would be any way truthful about why he decided to cut contact. He may have been nice in the run up to his disappearing act, but he's certainly not acted with any decency since.

Thank you. You're right, all of these things are possible (if painful to read).

FBaby wrote: »

I think Tay knows that already. It is beyond hoping for a good explanation, the intention now would be to know what it is so that the questions in her head stops and she can focus on the reason why he was no good rather that remembering the good times.

It wouldn't be about believing his words either, but more a case of reading his expressions, tone of his voice etc... I expect she would see a very side to him that he has ever shown before and that would help move her moving on.

What she needs to grieve is the idea she had inevitably built in her mind about the potential lovely future they could have had together. Until she can see that he is not the man she thought, she will still feel regrets that will eat her inside. If however she can see who is really is, she can start focussing on the fact she had a lucky escape.

This is more or less what I have been thinking.

lostinrates wrote: »

I think while this is all very right, a possible alternative in this scenario is Tay forth gets nothing from him, he's not there and she just gets an incredible tongue lashing, or worse, from an angry partner and the partner feels awful, and tayforth who feels very fragile right now, and its been suggested disproportionately so then perhaps that would suggest her frame of mind is LEAST primed for resilience.

Thank you, LIR. I'm not feeling very resilient now, that's true. But I feel that the truth, however bad, would be better than this limbo that I'm in.

As I said, I would not turn up to his house. I would call him and ask for a face to face meeting, or else just speak on the phone.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

I still think it would be easier to get on worth life then because she knows she had nothing to regret. No what ifs, no what could I have done differently, no it's all my fault.

tea_lover wrote: »

But shouldn't that be obvious already? The guy has changed plans at least twice and hasn't been at touch at all in 8 days, after previously professing undying love. What more is needed to write him off as a !!!!! and move away with your head held high?

Going looking for answers gives the impression that there is some explanation he could possibly give for behaving like that.

purpleshoes wrote: »

Its not her fault though, none of this. He came up with some story about being involved in a car accident. Didnt turn up to see her twice and then read a message she sent him saying she was really worried and didnt bother responding.

Shes upset Im assuming because hes been mr lovely and then hes turned into mr not so lovely and shes thinking, it must have been me, Ive done something to make him change towards me.

When in reality, he either has someone else who has found out whats been going on or hes spectacularly messed up and has done this to other women.

As I said before, when you confront a liar you'll get more lies. She can't trust a word he says anyway, so it's really tough getting closure from someone who can't be bothered telling the truth and doesn't even have the courtesy to respond to a message. After he's milked this so called car accident for what its worth and caused her to worry.

When it's very likely he was never injured in the first place and if that's the case he's a nasty piece of work and she's much better off without him.

The feelings the OP has for him will fade in time.

I know I should walk away and hold my head up high.

I know I might not get any answers.

But it's so hard to deal with not knowing the truth, or least hearing in his voice that he's lied/has something to hide.

I am really torn.