Heartbroken - just need to talk

JoW123

tayforth wrote: »

He wasn't just saying 'I love you' casually as an afterthought, though. He would talk about it at length, and tell me how great I was, and all the specific things he loved about me.

I know I shouldn't be so devastated (and he's not worth it), but honestly, I am.




Thank you for the kind words, marisco.

I feel as though this has (at least partially) undone my progress.

When I was married, I was so unhappy. I grieved for how things were, and stayed with my ex for a time because I hoped that we would get that back. Giving up on the 'dream' of a happy relationship was hard, but things eventually got so bad that I had to face up to reality. I realised I'd be better off alone (no matter how hard it was) than with him.

And I was better off without him. I was bruised, and numb, and I berated myself for not leaving sooner, but I felt that I had reached acceptance.

When I met this guy, I wanted to be careful not to get in too deep too soon, for fear of getting hurt. But he seemed so lovely, and unassuming, and genuine, that I gradually let my defences down. I thought that I'd met the right person for me, the person I should have been with all along. Everything felt right. I could not have been happier.

Now I feel as though my heart has been ripped out. I can't explain it. Perhaps some of these feelings are unresolved issues to do with the ex. Perhaps I feel like I can't bear to let go of the 'dream' of us, when I was so sure of it, and he talked about it every single day.

The problem is... he hasn't given me a single verbal indication that his feelings have changed. He's never said a cross word to me, never been anything but lovely in his words, his tone of voice, everything. I know he hasn't been in touch for 8 days (and that should be enough of a message), but I'm not sure that I'm able to change my thinking towards him solely based on that.

Does all this make sense???

It makes sense to me as I had something a bit similar happen to me. I got in touch with an ex boyfriend from school (well actually he found me..) a few years back and when my relationship was breaking up he was incredibly supportive having been a single parent himself. We e-mailed each other regularly and started to meet up. I was convinced that it was all meant to be all along and we would end up together. It went on for a few months and then suddenly he kept making more and more excuses not to meet up, wasn't there when I rang etc. He told me to phone him Christmas Eve and was out. When I challenged him he said he was having a bad time, felt low etc. Anyway it went on for a few more weeks until he finally let me down once to often. So I just didn't e-mail back one day, and I never heard from him again. I cried more tears than I did over my ex because the utter disappointment was excrutiating. But one day I realised that actually he was just not the person I thought he was, and I would survive. And I have.

tesuhoha

And you have to let it go, because there is no more that you can do.

lostinrates

[STRIKE][/STRIKE]

tayforth wrote: »

He wasn't just saying 'I love you' casually as an afterthought, though. He would talk about it at length, and tell me how great I was, and all the specific things he loved about me.

I know I shouldn't be so devastated (and he's not worth it), but honestly, I am.


ok, but I say this. I am guessing there is more to YOU that can be discovered an appreciated and loved than can be discovered so quickly. As I say, I think love can come quickly. But your heart and soul are worth the depth of time and weight that deepens that truely quick 'knowing' and however real that quick love can be, it does deepen and 'put on weight'. I am sure ALL those things are great about you! but what substance was behind the words?

Thank you for the kind words, marisco.

I feel as though this has (at least partially) undone my progress.

When I was married, I was so unhappy. I grieved for how things were, and stayed with my ex for a time because I hoped that we would get that back. Giving up on the 'dream' of a happy relationship was hard, but things eventually got so bad that I had to face up to reality. I realised I'd be better off alone (no matter how hard it was) than with him.

And I was better off without him. I was bruised, and numb, and I berated myself for not leaving sooner, but I felt that I had reached acceptance.

When I met this guy, I wanted to be careful not to get in too deep too soon, for fear of getting hurt. But he seemed so lovely, and unassuming, and genuine, that I gradually let my defences down. I thought that I'd met the right person for me, the person I should have been with all along. Everything felt right. I could not have been happier.

Now I feel as though my heart has been ripped out. I can't explain it. Perhaps some of these feelings are unresolved issues to do with the ex. Perhaps I feel like I can't bear to let go of the 'dream' of us, when I was so sure of it, and he talked about it every single day.

The problem is... he hasn't given me a single verbal indication that his feelings have changed. He's never said a cross word to me, never been anything but lovely in his words, his tone of voice, everything. I know he hasn't been in touch for 8 days (and that should be enough of a message), but I'm not sure that I'm able to change my thinking towards him solely based on that.

Does all this make sense???

Yes, very much.

But I think its not about other people so much but about you and the value you are placing on your love and others.

I have faith that you can put back that ripped heart. But No one can rip out your heart unless YOU give them that power.

You might not have seen his cross words, maybe his personality flaws aren't heat and anger, maybe they are deception and cowardice? Who knows?

System

To be blunt, talk is cheap. So cheap you can be very generous with it.

Yes, actions speak louder than words.

I do think there is some mileage in the idea you are giving your heart to fully based on too little.

That makes a lot of sense.

FBaby

It's been 8 days now, so really you are left with the two choices mentioned, either you accept that you will never get an answer as to why he went quiet and therefore you need to stop torturing yourself with all the possible scenarios and totally turn the page (ie. delete his number from your phone), or if like me you can't do that, call him, or even better, show up at his place and whilst remaining totally calm (which you are naturally, so that wouldn't be too hard!), say that you are totally confused as to what has happened and would he mind letting you know what happened on his part so you can move on.

I know it might sound terrible, but when I met my husband and I knew I would fall madly in love with him so had to check that he was single. First I checked him out on 192, then I suggested going out to dinner somewhere close to him, hoping he would himself suggest meeting at his place and walking there (he did!), and then when after our 3rd date he suggested I joined him to a friend's birthday party (and his friends were welcoming towards me, one saying that he looked so happy since he'd met me), I knew that this was a worry I could put behind me.

BrassicWoman

tayforth wrote: »

But I just can't stop thinking about it and wondering what on earth has happened. It's driving me mad, I just can't keep torturing myself like this. I don't know what's to do for the best.

I do. Don't give him the satisfaction of contact and letting him know you are upset. He is not worth is and you'll only be stroking his ego. Expect him to be in touch in 3, 6 or 12 months time just to see if you'll come running. And be ready to totally ignore it. No response at all.

Now come on. Glad rags on. Make yourself go out and about. Get on a dating site and shout "NEXT"!

FBaby

Don't give him the satisfaction of contact and letting him know you are upset. He is not worth is and you'll only be stroking his ego

I see it totally the other way. By not contacting him, you are making it easy for him. I bet he is even convincing yourself that you are clearly not that bothered anyway since you are not contacting him yourself and he has no reason to feel bad.

I think he deserves to feel the pain of some guilt which I think from what you describe him, he would feel if he knew you were upset.

Ultimately, he has chosen the selfish way out to make it easier for him, so you are entitled to be selfish and do what will make it easier for YOU. If it is to forget about it all, then do that, if it is to contact him and ask for an explanation do it. It's not about him, or about keeping face etc..., it's now about you and what you need to move on the quickest.

suziemoon

It's easy for me to say "he wasn't the right one for you" but I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Please don't feel that you've got to be in a relationship to be someone, you are a fabulous lady and you have got so far without a man. View him as a bonus if he turns up but be on the look out for someone else, someone who will respect you and care for you how you deserve to be. Hope you're feeling happier. XX

Izadora

I think all you can do is accept that you're probably never going to find out what made him suddenly stop contacting you. If he's not been in touch for 8 days, after you've sent messages asking if everything's okay, then I don't see that there's any reason he give for it which would be excusable.

Yes, trusting him turned out to be a mistake and it's going to hurt for a while but you need to remember that not all men are that rubbish and hopefully the next one you meet will be nicer.

NAR

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you. There's been no reply at all, I'm so hurt xx
What you say makes sense, though it hurts to think that he could just change his mind about me, having told me that he loved me (several times a day) and that he wanted a future with me.

When I told him that I loved him, I meant it 100%, I wouldn't have said it if I wasn't 100% sure or thought that I might change my mind in the near future.

I thought the only thing that could have made us fall out of love was if one of us spoke or behaved badly towards the other. But I never said a cross word to him or treated him badly in any way. So what's changed???

Tayforth I think the minimum you deserve is an explanation. Of course you are devastated when you think you have found a possible Mr Right and then without reason the carpet is whipped from under you.
Unfortunately he has shown you no respect, so does he deserve yours any longer? I think not. So it is a case of licking your wounds and trying to move on (easier said then done I know).