Heartbroken - just need to talk

fivetide

tayforth wrote: »

So what's changed???

I don't think you'll ever have a real answer to that question. Even if you manage to ask it of him you will no doubt get something that is approaching but is not quite the truth. People can be rubbish at explaining things they don't want to.

It hurts but you can be happy that the problem is all his not yours, like Rory McIlroy I guess.

Onwards and upwards!

tayforth

aileth wrote: »

How completely unnecessarily rude. Tay is a well-known poster here and has been incredibly strong through her marriage breakdown. She got some wonderful support and advice back on other threads and is now coming back for more. If you haven't followed her story I suggest you go look it up as it's inspiring. The last word id use for her would be needy.

lostinrates wrote: »

Every detail? You know, I don't know what tayforth had for supper last night or will have tonight, like I do many of the old stylers.

An an anonymous forum is a pretty good place to 'emotionally dump' without taking into life. I sometimes ponder if those who are unpleasant here, for example, are able to be charming in real life because they've 'dumped' it on someone they cannot see here.

I do know, because I have heard from her, that she's coping. Heartbreak stinks.

Thank you both. LIR, thank you for the very kind words in your emails as well xxx

sammyjammy wrote: »

I second this.

Think of him as your rebound guy - they are always the hardest as you are still kind of mourning that LTR even if you were happy to escape it, its the thought of what might have been that you're mourning (IMHO) and you'll recover quickly and wonder what you were thinking .

Been there done that, bought the box of tshirts too :rotfl:

Thanks sammyjammy xx

tayforth

jansus wrote: »

Sorry i haven't read all the replies but the same thing happened to me.
I fell for someones relentless pursuit of me after my marriage broke up, He told me everything i wanted to hear, including he loved me and i fell for it no sooner had i given in and let my defenses down he was off like a shot it was a hard lesson to learn.
Unfortunately a similar thing happened again a while later :eek: that resulted in me having a 10 year break from dating
I am now happily married :T although it took a big leap of faith to get there.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm glad that you are happily married now.

What do you mean by letting down your defences? xx

sammyjammy wrote: »

Why do some men do this? I genuinely don't think its malicious its just the way they are. The guy that "did" this to me works for my employer (it was a good 12 years ago) every time I see him I take great pleasure in the fact I feel nothing for him and he is both looking very old and has a big fat beer belly. He is actually the best friend of my friends husband and has three children with three separate woman, never managed a proper relationship with any of them and still lives at home at the spritely age of 45. Probably because all his money goes in Child payments!

Coincidentally he is the last guy I dated, it'll take more than a leap of faith to get me back out there

Why indeed

FBaby wrote: »

I am suddenly feeling angry for you Who can be so calleous to tell someone they know are coming out of a vulnerable situation that they love them, giving them the impression they are starting to build something, and then not have the decensy to be in contact for days whatever the reason. How can someone with a seemingly normal life and personality, beyond the age of 16 be so coward? Does it take that much to make a phone call and say 'I'm sorry but...' or even if that is too much an email/text to say the same? Anything but the silent treatment which to me is the most selfish attitude one can take.

I hope you get angry to and that anger helps you realise what a loser he really is.

This is exactly what I am asking myself, FBaby. How can someone fall out of love so quickly? And if he has, why not just tell me?

I haven't managed to feel angry, I'm not an angry person by nature. But I suppose it would be healthier than asking myself over and over what I did.

tayforth

duchy wrote: »

I'm not so sure it's malicious -more they get caught up in the moment-enjoy feeling the hero ...... but that level of intensity isn't sustainable and whereas when a relationship builds gradually and then plateaus out -these move too hard too fast so the drop is dramatic. I suspect men who do this often don't even ends things nicely because they simply don't know what to say because they simply don't understand it themselves why their feelings changed so fast.

I'm not making excuses -it's a rubbish way to treat someone - just trying to give some insight into how it happens. That they don't put themselves in a position to be asked Why? .... because they simply don't know the answer .

FBaby wrote: »

But you wouldn't do this in any other type of relationship. You wouldn't build a friendship that is going well and suddenly cut all contact? You wouldn't go to work, where everything is fine with your boss and colleagues, and then suddenly don't show up.

Well some people do, but it is not very common and similarly, very cowardly. I don't think it is an acceptable thing to do in any circumstances beyond of course something drastic happening in their lives.

I totally undestand the fact that some people do get very excited and positive about a new relationship to suddenly wake up and realise that you don't feel what you thought. I have a friend who makes a habit of it, he is not a bad person, it is just the way it is, but he always lets the person down by talking to them. He feels bad enough doing it, let alone not even bothering to contact them for days.

duchy wrote: »

I think it is pretty common - but if a "new friend" does it we simply aren't as invested in the relationship the way we are with a new partner (or maybe you just meet nicer friends than I do ) so it simply doesn't have the same impact.

That is from your perspective as his friend .........even with contacting the girlfriends they probably take a somewhat different view of him blowing hot then cold with them and think he's shallow or has led them on <shrug>

I don't know whether I'd feel better or worse if he actually spoke to me and told me what had happened. No, that's not true. I couldn't feel any worse than I do now.

justme111

A few moons ago when someone I quite liked did not want me after a year of dating I felt hurt. Probably similar to how you feel now - for 5 days most of my calorie intake consisted of cigarettes and wine .
I figured out pretty quickly that a good part of that hurt was acute withdrawal - we used to spend a lot of time together and another part , probably major one was me beating myself up for being in that situation , I felt I was wrong I was seeing him in the first place because not everything was ideal in our relationship. So I beaten myself up for being needy enough to accept it in the first place. So trying to prevent it happening in the future I was not accepting relationships or offers that were short of ideal after. It taken me a few years to realise its ok wanting to be with someone , and there are no guarantees it will work in any case and healthier way to go about it would be just not beating myself if it does not work. May be my story will give you some reflection material and hopefully reflection will help with pain. If not - just be assured that it will pass , knowledge that it will pass and gratitude to life that I will not be stuck with that pain forever made it possible to be quite happy with it even back then.

BrassicWoman

Hi,

for what it is worth, I don't think there is a "right" way to break up. Me, I prefer either no contact or a quick message. Because what can anyone say that will make you feel better?

Chuck out all mementos, recognise he was a "practice" bloke to get you back into proper dating again, be glad you had fun while you did, and move on. Life is too short for moping and listening to Tammy Wynette. (what I did during breakups when teenage!)

What were the fun things you were doing before you met him?

BW

FBaby

Oh Tay, the last days must have felt so long and torturious. Of course it is nothing you've done. The not showing up twice in these circumstances really strike of someone else in his life. Is he separated and wife is back in the picture, an old girfriend, so someone else he has just met?

Really something wasn't right with these two cancelled meetings. The first time especially, even if he had to go to hospital, he should easily have texted you quickly to say he was at A&E, nothing to worry about, just getting checked and he would be in touch when coming home to let you know everything is ok. The fact that he didn't do that that evening and not even first thing is the morning says that he was with someone else.

As for the second time, well, considering how he let you down the first time, you would have thought that the second the anxiety attack had gone, he would have contacted you right away to apologise, not wait until the morning again.

Actually as I write this, it very much sounds like a married man who has been caught and then given an ultimatum.

I know that in my case, I would need to find out without a doubt. Firstly because of the very small chance that he does have a very good reason for his silence and in that case, I couldn't cope with the guilt I would feel that I wasn't there for him, and second, because anything else would be the evidence that he is a !!!*hole and that would make it easier for me to forget the person I thought he was and focus on the person he really is, making it easier to move on and realise that I had lost nothing.

hieveryone

Tayforth, I've read through the thread and firstly, I think it's time you stopped analysing and fretting over everything you did.

"It's not you, it's him". He's the one that has made this decision, not you.

And even if it WAS you that 'did' something - why would you need to know?? So that you wouldn't make the same 'mistake' again? Don't you want to be with someone that truly loves all of you, little nuances and all? Just forget him, move on. The biggest revenge is happiness.

And, just to add another perspective, I was seeing a guy for a lot longer than 2 months, but for a big chunk of that I wasn't really 'into' him anymore. I would say 'I love you' in reply when he said it, but deep down I didn't, and hadn't, for a while.

I did end it more respectfully than this guy, but after that there was no contact whatsoever from me. With hindsight, I wasn't hurting anywhere near the level that I now know he was, and actually, at that point in time, I didn't overly dwell on what he was feeling. I was just glad I was free.

He did continue to message me and request for answers and explanations but other than 'I just fell out of 'love' with you', I couldn't really give him anything else than that, and each and every message he sent would totally rile me.

Move on, 2 months in the big scheme of things is not a long time, and certainly not long enough to be torturing yourself for this long.

Hope you feel better soon.

justme111

Well when it hurts people saying that it should not is not helpful usually

hieveryone

justme111 wrote: »

Well when it hurts people saying that it should not is not helpful usually

Ah, misery loves company.

Sometimes what actually helps is a kick up the bum and a good talking to.