Heartbroken - just need to talk

Top_Girl

Tay, you gave me some wonderful advice over my situation. So here is my honest advice to you:

His behaviour is inexcusable. Even if he felt rubbish, he could still have sent you a 'feel rubbish, text you tomorrow/in a few days' text. That's the wonder of modern communication, it's effortless, really.

This is not your fault.

You will hate this next bit but, this too will pass.

Look at how far you've come. Two, five, ten years ago, you wouldn't recognise yourself now.

I understand better than you know that it is easy to over invest in a relationship so soon after a horrible one, and I know the feelings of despair afterwards only too well.

But you know now that you're okay on your own. Try not to let this colour your view of the world.

Lots of love, lady.

tesuhoha

So it seems, its happened to most of us.

FBaby

lostinrates wrote: »

I think we are at cross purposes, I don't disagree that its unacceptable. I do think its common. I also think its often sub conscious, not in the least malicious.

But look for example at DUTR's post yesterday. He reckons he's being clear that he is after no strings, I reckon from his posting its anything but.

I think it might be common amongst a certain group of people. Either way, it is a sad fact that it is becoming common behaviour.

I see what you mean about mixed messages, but cutting all contact when only a few days before he was saying that he still loved Tay and that nothing was wrong is more lack of clarity, just plain laziness and cowardice.

I wonder if it is just going to end like this with him never making contact again when last contact was declaring his love.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

I think it might be common amongst a certain group of people. Either way, it is a sad fact that it is becoming common behaviour.

I see what you mean about mixed messages, but cutting all contact when only a few days before he was saying that he still loved Tay and that nothing was wrong is more lack of clarity, just plain laziness and cowardice.

I wonder if it is just going to end like this with him never making contact again when last contact was declaring his love.

It's not happened to me. Its happened to people close to me AND I have seen people who I think but cannot be sure as I am not in their heads, have convinced them selves they are in love, but then get distracted by the next thing/person and yes, are too cowardly/lazy/ashamed to make things right. Which essentially is the problem in lots of relationship brutti figuri, the failure to be honest and face the hard truths and communicate them....like affairs, or not being on the same page, or feeling pressured, or feeling not appreciated enough. Its very hard to face the truth firstly, and to accept the consequences. I think people think the latter is harder, but I am not sure but think the former is as hard, otherwise we wouldn't justify or seek explanation as mitigation for our own behaviour when we make transgressions.

I would hope it ends with tayforth taking control of her approach to this unpleasant incident and stopping waiting for action from him. Same thing, but with her in control, IYSWIM.

tayforth

Thanks so much for all your comments. I have been reading, but too upset to post, sorry. I will compose myself tonight or tomorrow and respond, I promise.

I've heard nothing at all from him, it's been 6 days.

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

Thanks so much for all your comments. I have been reading, but too upset to post, sorry. I will compose myself tonight or tomorrow and respond, I promise.

I've heard nothing at all from him, it's been 6 days.

You are worth so much more, than to be treated like this.

candlelight_2013

Oh Tay, it breaks my heart to see you so upset again.

Sending you many hugs

Much love
Candlelightx

Person_one

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you, sleepymans.

I've had a few guys say the L word to me way too early, but I've only ever been in love 3 times - with my university boyfriend, my ex-H and this new guy. I never believed that I could fall in love so quickly, but I did. Perhaps I was foolish.

I will definitely be more careful in future, and take any early declarations of love with a pinch of salt, no matter how I feel myself.

I think this is a great idea, and the right way to go. I hate to see that you're so upset over somebody you only met for the first time less than three months ago, when you've already been through so much and are doing such a good job of getting back on your feet.

Forgive me if you've already mentioned this in your other thread and I've forgotten, but did you get any counselling after leaving your abusive marriage?

tayforth

Sorry for being so quiet, I honestly haven't felt up to posting because I've been so sad. I'll do my best to reply to everyone x

candlelight_2013 wrote: »

Now Tay stop beating yourself over falling in love. It is the most natural thing in the world, and you have had a long 12 months with lots of decision making.

If this relationship isn't meant to be, fair enough, but I honestly don't think you can regulate when you fall in love and how soon. As sleepymans says I do believe it is lust to start with, and once you begin to get to know the person and like them, then you may fall in love. You can like someone and never fall in love with them, but one step at a time.

You can do it

Much love
Candlelightx

Thank you xxx

FBaby wrote: »

Sorry, I'm sure you explained it, but did he respond to your last text when you asked him to communicate and talk to you?

Also, you say he didn't show up twice and gave excuses? How did it go about? Was he supposed to come to your place or were you meeting somewhere? When did he contact you to apologise (I assume he did rather than you contacting him?)? What were the excuses? I can't see many excuses that could justify not showing up at all.

What was your normal communication flow before? How often were you in contact? By text, email, phone? Would it have been unusual for him not to get in touch for two days in a row?

He hasn't responded to that text, it's been a week now.

In answer to your questions...

The first time:
He was supposed to meet me. I had to contact him by phone the next day to see what had happened. He said that he'd had to be taken to hospital as he was bleeding from his ear.

The second time (last Monday):

He was supposed to come to my place. He contacted me via text the next day to say that he'd had a panic attack in the car the evening before and had to call 2 family members to come and get him.

We were in touch every day before, by phone, text and email. He texted me first thing in the morning and texted/called last thing at night, and we'd be in touch during the day too. Not turning up or contacting me to say why would have been 100% out of character for either of us.

spirit wrote: »

Tay,

I think you could end up driving yourself mad thinking about why he behaved as he has. He is the only one who really knows what is going on and for reasons best known to him, he is not able to give you what you deserve.

Hard as it is, I think you have to now accept that it wasn't meant to be and try to make a good life for yourself.

You didn't do anything wrong and you couldn't have changed the outcome by doing anything differently. It is what it is I'm afraid.

:A

Thank you, spirit. I am trying to accept it, really I am.

tayforth

NAR wrote: »

Really strange Tayforth, all I can suggest is sit tight and see if he responds and more importantly what with. Be comforted with the fact that you have done nothing wrong and that you use the benefit of this experience in the future.

Thank you. There's been no reply at all, I'm so hurt xx

tesuhoha wrote: »

This has suddenly reminded me of when I was 17. I was 'engaged' to this boy who kept telling me he loved me. There was no ring or anything but he declared his love very early on and kind of swept me off my feet although initially I was not keen. He was a very controlling type.

Anyway, one day all of a sudden he stopped coming round and all communication stopped. There were no mobile phones in those days so I had no idea of what was going on. This went on for weeks. Its a horrible feeling, I know that feeling of desolation and abandonment.

Eventually I got so desperate to find out the reason for the non contact that I decided to go round to his mum's house to find out what was going on. So that is what I did. I still remember the feeling of rejection, he was totally cold towards me, didn't invite me in and said that it was over. It didn't take long. I remember the flat empty feeling I had walking away from that house. I remember my dad making me bread and jam because I wouldn't eat.

It turned out that he was seeing an older woman, his neighbour, a divorcee with children who he had previously called a tart. Turned out that he had fancied her all along. I bumped into them in town once. She was a big brassy blonde and I could see what she had that I didn't. Lucky escape I had. There were others after that although only one who really mattered.

However, sad as I have been, all the breakups in my life I am now extremely glad of because they eventually led me at the age of 28 to my lovely handsome generous kind clever funny hardworking light up the room husband. If I had not broken up with all of those losers I would not have met him. I realised I had not really loved any of those strangers. So hopefully it will be the same for you. One day you will meet someone who will eclipse all the rest. Just believe that it will happen because there are many many decent people out there who are looking for love just the same as you are.

Thank you, tesuhoha. I'm glad that you met someone so lovely xx

victoria61 wrote: »

Hi Tayforth, I just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation about 4 years ago. My marriage had broken up and I'd been on my own for nearly 5 years when I met this lovely man who seemed to be so into me, complimenting me all the time, texting, emailing, always saying he couldn't wait to see me again etc. We talked about the future too. Then after about 2 months he cooled a little bit. I didn't notice it so much at the time but after we broke up a couple of weeks later I realised I had seen the signs - he wasn't holding my hand when we were out, he was a little bit short with me, like I annoyed him etc. Just little things really. Then one night he didn't ring me (he always had done previously) so I rang him and his phone was switched off! I rang again the following day (several times before I got hold of him) and he said he had been thinking about it and realised that he couldn't see a future for us! So that was that.

I was devastated too but I think it was partly that I had been basking in the experience of having someone make me feel I was the centre of their world. I think some people just throw themselves into relationships because they hope this might be 'the one' and are then a bit disappointed when they realise they've made a mistake. I think that's what he did.

I realised after a few days that I wasn't especially missing him, I was missing all the things he represented - someone to spend my weekends with, someone to talk to, someone to make future plans with etc. I decided I was just going to make alternative arrangements for all those things and I went out and arranged to visit friends I hadn't seen for a while, asked a friend who was going to run the Paris marathon if I could come with them etc and just threw myself back into enjoying my life. At first, it's just an effort of will, but after a while it becomes real.

And, for what it's worth, 3 months later I met the man I am now married to. Once I met him, I could see clearly that my previous relationship had not been good enough.

Hope you feel better soon

Thanks, victoria61. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that xxx

What you say makes sense, though it hurts to think that he could just change his mind about me, having told me that he loved me (several times a day) and that he wanted a future with me.

When I told him that I loved him, I meant it 100%, I wouldn't have said it if I wasn't 100% sure or thought that I might change my mind in the near future.

I thought the only thing that could have made us fall out of love was if one of us spoke or behaved badly towards the other. But I never said a cross word to him or treated him badly in any way. So what's changed???