Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

Oh Tay, the last days must have felt so long and torturious. Of course it is nothing you've done. The not showing up twice in these circumstances really strike of someone else in his life. Is he separated and wife is back in the picture, an old girfriend, so someone else he has just met?

Really something wasn't right with these two cancelled meetings. The first time especially, even if he had to go to hospital, he should easily have texted you quickly to say he was at A&E, nothing to worry about, just getting checked and he would be in touch when coming home to let you know everything is ok. The fact that he didn't do that that evening and not even first thing is the morning says that he was with someone else.

As for the second time, well, considering how he let you down the first time, you would have thought that the second the anxiety attack had gone, he would have contacted you right away to apologise, not wait until the morning again.

Actually as I write this, it very much sounds like a married man who has been caught and then given an ultimatum.

I know that in my case, I would need to find out without a doubt. Firstly because of the very small chance that he does have a very good reason for his silence and in that case, I couldn't cope with the guilt I would feel that I wasn't there for him, and second, because anything else would be the evidence that he is a !!!*hole and that would make it easier for me to forget the person I thought he was and focus on the person he really is, making it easier to move on and realise that I had lost nothing.

I so want to find out, believe me.

My friends are telling me to walk away and not contact him. I see their point. But I just can't stop thinking about it and wondering what on earth has happened. It's driving me mad, I just can't keep torturing myself like this. I don't know what's to do for the best.

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Tay, I am sorry that you have been treated like this. Have you ever thought that he may be a commitmentphobe? I had the misfortune of falling for one, and let's face it I could have been Angelina Jolie/Michelle Pfeiffer/Elle McPherson (insert chosen female celeb of choice here) but I still wouldn't have been right!

Hugs, Tay, I know it feels awful for you at the moment.

Thanks, MrsAtobe. Maybe he is, but I wish he'd acted like it all along, rather than someone who was head over heels in love.

FBaby wrote: »

I didn't feel better at all because his response was thoughtful and showed the traits that made me fall in love with him then, but it certainly help me move on because it stopped the torturing thoughts that had taken over my mind trying to wonder what had happened, and inevitably focussing on what I might have done wrong (his response confirmed that I had done nothing wrong at all, that he did like me, that things could have happened possibly, but that he wasn't over his ex and on his basis, couldn't open his feelings up to me). Once I got over the frustration and the 'if only's, I was able to move on very quickly. But that's me, I need to know that there is nothing else I can do to move on. I am not good at giving up on things that mean a lot to me.

This all makes a lot of sense. It's not knowing that's the worst.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

Oh Tay, the last days must have felt so long and torturious. Of course it is nothing you've done. The not showing up twice in these circumstances really strike of someone else in his life. Is he separated and wife is back in the picture, an old girfriend, so someone else he has just met?

Really something wasn't right with these two cancelled meetings. The first time especially, even if he had to go to hospital, he should easily have texted you quickly to say he was at A&E, nothing to worry about, just getting checked and he would be in touch when coming home to let you know everything is ok. The fact that he didn't do that that evening and not even first thing is the morning says that he was with someone else.

As for the second time, well, considering how he let you down the first time, you would have thought that the second the anxiety attack had gone, he would have contacted you right away to apologise, not wait until the morning again.

Actually as I write this, it very much sounds like a married man who has been caught and then given an ultimatum.

I know that in my case, I would need to find out without a doubt. Firstly because of the very small chance that he does have a very good reason for his silence and in that case, I couldn't cope with the guilt I would feel that I wasn't there for him, and second, because anything else would be the evidence that he is a !!!*hole and that would make it easier for me to forget the person I thought he was and focus on the person he really is, making it easier to move on and realise that I had lost nothing.

Just a further response to this.

I really really hope that he wasn't cheating on someone else with me. The thought of it makes me sick. Just as the thought of him having moved on to someone else does.

:(:(

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

I was very careful not to prompt this guy to say 'I love you' in the last few weeks. He always said it first. Even in our last conversation (last Monday), he was saying it. In fact, he didn't just say 'I love you', he talked about our future together, told me how amazing I was, all that stuff. Completely unprompted by me.

Some people 'just say it'.

Whether its because they are swept away, or because they think its polite (e.g. Read a thread on the board where someone refuses an invitation initially to be polite then is peeved because not getting that), or because its 'habit'.

E.g. Some one I know who spends a lot of time here working says ' love you' at the end of phone calls. I happen to know he loves his wife very much. A lot more than the employees he has and who he tells out of habit that he loves. :rotfl:. I don't think he even notices he does it at times!

To be blunt, talk is cheap. So cheap you can be very generous with it.

Tay, I don't agree that you should not be hurt, but I do think there is some mileage in the idea you are giving your heart to fully based on too little.

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

The thought of never having an answer makes me so sad.

Oh tay, I am sorry to hear you sounding so down hun. Have a hug and listen up now lady. You wont receive an answer that could possibly justify, why you have been apparently discarded and treated so badly. Place some real value on yourself and don't even bother hanging out for that. Please trust me when I say that you wont always feel this awful. In time you will be able to draw a line under your sadness, move forward and be happy again.

You are an incredible person, who it has been a pleasure to get to know and admire since you came onto this forum. I am quite certain that the same would be said of you in real life too. Bare in mind that your value as a person, don't decrease based on one individuals inability to appreciate your worth. Tay happiness and contentment with life has to come from within yourself first and foremost. Other people cant bring that into your life if you don't already feel it.

You have shown such strength and fortitude, and taken incredible steps forward in the last year, to improve your life and carve out a happy, independent future for yourself. In the great scheme of things this is a horrible knock back. I know you can bounce back from it all though, and come out the other side all the stronger for it. Believe that and keep going, after all that you have overcome, you owe that to yourself

FBaby

tayforth wrote: »

Just a further response to this.

I really really hope that he wasn't cheating on someone else with me. The thought of it makes me sick. Just as the thought of him having moved on to someone else does.

:(:(

Oh I know what you mean, but unfortunately, that is often the case when you get sudden silence

I vaguely recall you writing about suggesting you came over to his place and him quickly stating this wasn't a good idea. Did you ever go to his place?

snow_ball

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Hi,

for what it is worth, I don't think there is a "right" way to break up. Me, I prefer either no contact or a quick message. Because what can anyone say that will make you feel better?

Chuck out all mementos, recognise he was a "practice" bloke to get you back into proper dating again, be glad you had fun while you did, and move on. Life is too short for moping and listening to Tammy Wynette. (what I did during breakups when teenage!)
BW

Agree with this, my first 'relationship' (following a decade long one) lasted 3 months (this 3 month thing is a bit of a theme!)and ended with me being dumped by text. I was devastated and furious, but after a couple of days I realised there's no good way to break up. I'm not saying silence or even texting is acceptable and when it happens that way it can make you feel worthless, but I think to move on you do need to let it go and understand it is a reflection of the other person, not you and you're worth SO much more than this.

After a week or 2 I felt so much better and in a weird way it gave me a confidence I hadn't had before, it's hard to explain why which I know is no help, but I knew I'd got through much tougher times before and I ended up feeling sorry for him being a bit weak and pathetic. I listened to a lot of Pink & Lily Allen (and similar!) joined a gym and started doing stuff just for me.

You come across as a very giving person Tayforth, just in the way you attempt to respond to each poster and that's lovely, but if you're that way in real life, sometimes it is ok to just look after yourself.

I know no-one can move on before they're ready but I hope that before long you can see you deserve so much better and you will meet the right person, so have some fun and live your life how you want to, until he finds you

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

Oh I know what you mean, but unfortunately, that is often the case when you get sudden silence

I vaguely recall you writing about suggesting you came over to his place and him quickly stating this wasn't a good idea. Did you ever go to his place?

I hadn't been to his place yet. This didn't bother me at the time. He was happy to come to see me, my town is bigger and livelier than his so there's a heck of a lot more to do.

But, with hindsight, perhaps there was a reason.

I wish that I'd been more insistent the evening of the accident, and just said "Don't be silly, I'm on my way there now". Totally normal thing to do when your BF has just been in a car crash.

snow_ball wrote: »

Agree with this, my first 'relationship' (following a decade long one) lasted 3 months (this 3 month thing is a bit of a theme!)and ended with me being dumped by text. I was devastated and furious, but after a couple of days I realised there's no good way to break up. I'm not saying silence or even texting is acceptable and when it happens that way it can make you feel worthless, but I think to move on you do need to let it go and understand it is a reflection of the other person, not you and you're worth SO much more than this.

After a week or 2 I felt so much better and in a weird way it gave me a confidence I hadn't had before, it's hard to explain why which I know is no help, but I knew I'd got through much tougher times before and I ended up feeling sorry for him being a bit weak and pathetic. I listened to a lot of Pink & Lily Allen (and similar!) joined a gym and started doing stuff just for me.

You come across as a very giving person Tayforth, just in the way you attempt to respond to each poster and that's lovely, but if you're that way in real life, sometimes it is ok to just look after yourself.

I know no-one can move on before they're ready but I hope that before long you can see you deserve so much better and you will meet the right person, so have some fun and live your life how you want to, until he finds you

Thank you snow-ball xx

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

Some people 'just say it'.

Whether its because they are swept away, or because they think its polite (e.g. Read a thread on the board where someone refuses an invitation initially to be polite then is peeved because not getting that), or because its 'habit'.

E.g. Some one I know who spends a lot of time here working says ' love you' at the end of phone calls. I happen to know he loves his wife very much. A lot more than the employees he has and who he tells out of habit that he loves. :rotfl:. I don't think he even notices he does it at times!

To be blunt, talk is cheap. So cheap you can be very generous with it.

Tay, I don't agree that you should not be hurt, but I do think there is some mileage in the idea you are giving your heart to fully based on too little.

He wasn't just saying 'I love you' casually as an afterthought, though. He would talk about it at length, and tell me how great I was, and all the specific things he loved about me.

I know I shouldn't be so devastated (and he's not worth it), but honestly, I am.

marisco wrote: »

Oh tay, I am sorry to hear you sounding so down hun. Have a hug and listen up now lady. You wont receive an answer that could possibly justify, why you have been apparently discarded and treated so badly. Place some real value on yourself and don't even bother hanging out for that. Please trust me when I say that you wont always feel this awful. In time you will be able to draw a line under your sadness, move forward and be happy again.

You are an incredible person, who it has been a pleasure to get to know and admire since you came onto this forum. I am quite certain that the same would be said of you in real life too. Bare in mind that your value as a person, don't decrease based on one individuals inability to appreciate your worth. Tay happiness and contentment with life has to come from within yourself first and foremost. Other people cant bring that into your life if you don't already feel it.

You have shown such strength and fortitude, and taken incredible steps forward in the last year, to improve your life and carve out a happy, independent future for yourself. In the great scheme of things this is a horrible knock back. I know you can bounce back from it all though, and come out the other side all the stronger for it. Believe that and keep going, after all that you have overcome, you owe that to yourself

Thank you for the kind words, marisco.

I feel as though this has (at least partially) undone my progress.

When I was married, I was so unhappy. I grieved for how things were, and stayed with my ex for a time because I hoped that we would get that back. Giving up on the 'dream' of a happy relationship was hard, but things eventually got so bad that I had to face up to reality. I realised I'd be better off alone (no matter how hard it was) than with him.

And I was better off without him. I was bruised, and numb, and I berated myself for not leaving sooner, but I felt that I had reached acceptance.

When I met this guy, I wanted to be careful not to get in too deep too soon, for fear of getting hurt. But he seemed so lovely, and unassuming, and genuine, that I gradually let my defences down. I thought that I'd met the right person for me, the person I should have been with all along. Everything felt right. I could not have been happier.

Now I feel as though my heart has been ripped out. I can't explain it. Perhaps some of these feelings are unresolved issues to do with the ex. Perhaps I feel like I can't bear to let go of the 'dream' of us, when I was so sure of it, and he talked about it every single day.

The problem is... he hasn't given me a single verbal indication that his feelings have changed. He's never said a cross word to me, never been anything but lovely in his words, his tone of voice, everything. I know he hasn't been in touch for 8 days (and that should be enough of a message), but I'm not sure that I'm able to change my thinking towards him solely based on that.

Does all this make sense???

JoW123

tayforth wrote: »

I hadn't been to his place yet. This didn't bother me at the time. He was happy to come to see me, my town is bigger and livelier than his so there's a heck of a lot more to do.

But, with hindsight, perhaps there was a reason.

I wish that I'd been more insistent the evening of the accident, and just said "Don't be silly, I'm on my way there now". Totally normal thing to do when your BF has just been in a car crash.




Thank you snow-ball xx

I wonder unfortunately if you not having been to his place is telling as in maybe he did have something to hide? I'm really sorry it's ended like this, especially when you have been so open and trusting. Some people just aren't who they seem to be. It's not your fault, honestly, and it does hurt like hell, but the pain does fade in time.

tea_lover

tayforth wrote: »

Does all this make sense???

It does, and I think most of us have been there in some form.

Part of this post really stood out to me:

tayforth wrote: »

When I met this guy, I wanted to be careful not to get in too deep too soon, for fear of getting hurt. But he seemed so lovely, and unassuming, and genuine, that I gradually let my defences down.

To be so cut up after a couple of months probably IS too deep, too soon. Maybe it felt gradual at the time, but from a complete outsider's point of view, it looks anything but. But as I say... a complete outsider... so feel free to ignore me totally .

I mean absolutely no offence at all by this, but it does seem as if you're lacking a bit of perspective on this - which is understandable when you're upset of course. You've known this guy a couple of months, never met his friends/family, never been to his house, he hasn't contacted you at all for over a week... but you seem determined to find reasons for his behaviour (other than the painful, irritating but obvious-looking ones that have been suggested).

I hope this hasn't come across badly! I really do feel for you, we've all had our hearts trodden on by people who never deserved to have access to them. But by constantly looking for answers and explanations you are giving him the power to go on hurting you - he doesn't deserve that, and you deserve better.