Heartbroken - just need to talk

justme111

Indeed
...

MrsAtobe

Tay, I am sorry that you have been treated like this. Have you ever thought that he may be a commitmentphobe? I had the misfortune of falling for one, and let's face it I could have been Angelina Jolie/Michelle Pfeiffer/Elle McPherson (insert chosen female celeb of choice here) but I still wouldn't have been right!

Hugs, Tay, I know it feels awful for you at the moment.

justme111

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Tay, I am sorry that you have been treated like this. Have you ever thought that he may be a commitmentphobe? I had the misfortune of falling for one, and let's face it I could have been Angelina Jolie/Michelle Pfeiffer/Elle McPherson (insert chosen female celeb of choice here) but I still wouldn't have been right!

Hugs, Tay, I know it feels awful for you at the moment.

From what Tay said that guy seems to be a total phobe or saying it in other words quite a bit of a nutcase that one can not rely on to behave coherently , in need of a carer rather than a girlfriend.

tayforth

Hello

Thanks again for your posts. I intended to reply to all of them, but I got to a stage yesterday when I was too upset. So here I am, and I'll try again.

FBaby wrote: »

well this would be totally unacceptable to me in any circumstances (hence me feeling angry for OP!), because I find it extemely rude and selfish behaviour. Thankfully for me, it isn't common behaviour at all in my world and when it has happened I have challenged, hence me contacting the guy who went quiet on me, who did write a proper letter back and apologised and even though I didn't like his response, at least I got a bit more respect for him for bothering to do so.

Thank you, FBaby. Did you feel better after getting the response? Did you feel like you had 'closure'? Sorry, I know it's a horrible word, but I can't think of an alternative.

codemonkey wrote: »

Don't usually comment on these things but a similar thing happened to me about 7 years ago. I had been dating this guy for 6 months or so, I thought things were going ok. Then he went to Manchester with his friends and when he came back he sent an email to say his phone was broken. I stupidly offered him the use of my old one until his phone was sorted but he refused. We saw each other I think maybe twice after that and emailed, then one weekend he just didn't show up - we lived in different cities and had a standing weekend date. I emailed him to find out what was going on but got no answer. And it was agony! I wasn't sure if he was going to turn up, if we were over, what I'd done to make him behave like this.

Eventually I heard back from him - some nonsense about how he had meant to get in contact but got angry about my enquiry as to his whereabouts (it was an email saying "are you coming over this weekend?" ) and decided not to contact me and that he wasn't himself with me or anyone else and it didn't answer any of my questions really.

I was surprised about how much it hurt. I've been in relationships before, longer term ones that have ended that have hurt less. In my opinion, it's a horrible, selfish way to break up with someone. If you don't want to be with someone that's fair enough, just tell them. If you really can't bring yourself to have an uncomfortable conversation that will last about 10 minutes then text or email them (as horrible as that is - at least they'll know). Don't just disappear and hope they'll go away if you ignore them long enough.

I'm still angry about it, even now - just because it was such a horrible thing to do.

OP I'm sorry he did this. I understand how horrible it feels but you will meet someone better. When I met my now DH, I was surprised at how little drama there was in our relationship. He texted, he called, and we didn't play games.

Wow, what a strange 'reason' for breaking up. I'm not surprised you felt so hurt.

Top_Girl wrote: »

Tay, you gave me some wonderful advice over my situation. So here is my honest advice to you:

His behaviour is inexcusable. Even if he felt rubbish, he could still have sent you a 'feel rubbish, text you tomorrow/in a few days' text. That's the wonder of modern communication, it's effortless, really.

This is not your fault.

You will hate this next bit but, this too will pass.

Look at how far you've come. Two, five, ten years ago, you wouldn't recognise yourself now.

I understand better than you know that it is easy to over invest in a relationship so soon after a horrible one, and I know the feelings of despair afterwards only too well.

But you know now that you're okay on your own. Try not to let this colour your view of the world.

Lots of love, lady.

Thank you, Top Girl. That's very kind of you.

tayforth

FBaby wrote: »

I think it might be common amongst a certain group of people. Either way, it is a sad fact that it is becoming common behaviour.

I see what you mean about mixed messages, but cutting all contact when only a few days before he was saying that he still loved Tay and that nothing was wrong is more lack of clarity, just plain laziness and cowardice.

I wonder if it is just going to end like this with him never making contact again when last contact was declaring his love.

It does seem crazy. I've been torturing myself about it all, I just can't get past all these questions. Why would he do that? Why say that he loves me, and not mean it? What's happened?

marisco wrote: »

You are worth so much more, than to be treated like this.

candlelight_2013 wrote: »

Oh Tay, it breaks my heart to see you so upset again.

Sending you many hugs

Much love
Candlelightx

Thank you both for your kind words. I'm in tears reading your posts (as I was the first time I read them).

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

It's not happened to me. Its happened to people close to me AND I have seen people who I think but cannot be sure as I am not in their heads, have convinced them selves they are in love, but then get distracted by the next thing/person and yes, are too cowardly/lazy/ashamed to make things right. Which essentially is the problem in lots of relationship brutti figuri, the failure to be honest and face the hard truths and communicate them....like affairs, or not being on the same page, or feeling pressured, or feeling not appreciated enough. Its very hard to face the truth firstly, and to accept the consequences. I think people think the latter is harder, but I am not sure but think the former is as hard, otherwise we wouldn't justify or seek explanation as mitigation for our own behaviour when we make transgressions.

I would hope it ends with tayforth taking control of her approach to this unpleasant incident and stopping waiting for action from him. Same thing, but with her in control, IYSWIM.

Thank you, LIR. I want to do as you suggest, I really do. I just don't feel up to it at the minute. :(:(

Person_one wrote: »

I think this is a great idea, and the right way to go. I hate to see that you're so upset over somebody you only met for the first time less than three months ago, when you've already been through so much and are doing such a good job of getting back on your feet.

Forgive me if you've already mentioned this in your other thread and I've forgotten, but did you get any counselling after leaving your abusive marriage?

I did, but I don't think I stuck at it long enough. I started to feel ok on my own, and it was painful to revisit what had happened.

fivetide wrote: »

I don't think you'll ever have a real answer to that question. Even if you manage to ask it of him you will no doubt get something that is approaching but is not quite the truth. People can be rubbish at explaining things they don't want to.

It hurts but you can be happy that the problem is all his not yours, like Rory McIlroy I guess.

Onwards and upwards!

The thought of never having an answer makes me so sad.

FBaby

Thank you, FBaby. Did you feel better after getting the response? Did you feel like you had 'closure'? Sorry, I know it's a horrible word, but I can't think of an alternative.

I didn't feel better at all because his response was thoughtful and showed the traits that made me fall in love with him then, but it certainly help me move on because it stopped the torturing thoughts that had taken over my mind trying to wonder what had happened, and inevitably focussing on what I might have done wrong (his response confirmed that I had done nothing wrong at all, that he did like me, that things could have happened possibly, but that he wasn't over his ex and on his basis, couldn't open his feelings up to me). Once I got over the frustration and the 'if only's, I was able to move on very quickly. But that's me, I need to know that there is nothing else I can do to move on. I am not good at giving up on things that mean a lot to me.

fivetide

tayforth wrote: »

The thought of never having an answer makes me so sad.

Sorry about that but I think it is true.

As I said, look at Rory McIlroy last week. Wedding invites go out, calls it all off "just not ready for it"

Why he's not ready for it is the real question but he'll never answer that and his former fiancee gets humilated in the world media.

I hope eventually you can move one. You'll find someone who respects you and truely reciprocates your feelings which is much better than someone saying they do when they don't.

tayforth

bristol_pilot wrote: »

I would imagine that the OP's boyfriend might simply have lost interest after two and a half months 'dating' with no sex.

FWIW, I don't think that 2.5 months is unusual. Also, FWIW, it was going to happen very soon, we'd talked about it. So of all the things it might be, I really don't think it's that.

But I could be wrong...?

justme111 wrote: »

A few moons ago when someone I quite liked did not want me after a year of dating I felt hurt. Probably similar to how you feel now - for 5 days most of my calorie intake consisted of cigarettes and wine .
I figured out pretty quickly that a good part of that hurt was acute withdrawal - we used to spend a lot of time together and another part , probably major one was me beating myself up for being in that situation , I felt I was wrong I was seeing him in the first place because not everything was ideal in our relationship. So I beaten myself up for being needy enough to accept it in the first place. So trying to prevent it happening in the future I was not accepting relationships or offers that were short of ideal after. It taken me a few years to realise its ok wanting to be with someone , and there are no guarantees it will work in any case and healthier way to go about it would be just not beating myself if it does not work. May be my story will give you some reflection material and hopefully reflection will help with pain. If not - just be assured that it will pass , knowledge that it will pass and gratitude to life that I will not be stuck with that pain forever made it possible to be quite happy with it even back then.

Thank you for sharing your story, justme111. I can certainly identify with the lack of appetite.

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Hi,

for what it is worth, I don't think there is a "right" way to break up. Me, I prefer either no contact or a quick message. Because what can anyone say that will make you feel better?

Chuck out all mementos, recognise he was a "practice" bloke to get you back into proper dating again, be glad you had fun while you did, and move on. Life is too short for moping and listening to Tammy Wynette. (what I did during breakups when teenage!)

What were the fun things you were doing before you met him?

BW

Thank you, BrassicWoman.

I was just going to work, seeing friends and family, having the odd night out. I was happy on my own.

But I was 100 times happier with him (while things were good).

tayforth

hieveryone wrote: »

Tayforth, I've read through the thread and firstly, I think it's time you stopped analysing and fretting over everything you did.

"It's not you, it's him". He's the one that has made this decision, not you.

And even if it WAS you that 'did' something - why would you need to know?? So that you wouldn't make the same 'mistake' again? Don't you want to be with someone that truly loves all of you, little nuances and all? Just forget him, move on. The biggest revenge is happiness.

And, just to add another perspective, I was seeing a guy for a lot longer than 2 months, but for a big chunk of that I wasn't really 'into' him anymore. I would say 'I love you' in reply when he said it, but deep down I didn't, and hadn't, for a while.

I did end it more respectfully than this guy, but after that there was no contact whatsoever from me. With hindsight, I wasn't hurting anywhere near the level that I now know he was, and actually, at that point in time, I didn't overly dwell on what he was feeling. I was just glad I was free.

He did continue to message me and request for answers and explanations but other than 'I just fell out of 'love' with you', I couldn't really give him anything else than that, and each and every message he sent would totally rile me.

Move on, 2 months in the big scheme of things is not a long time, and certainly not long enough to be torturing yourself for this long.

Hope you feel better soon.

I was very careful not to prompt this guy to say 'I love you' in the last few weeks. He always said it first. Even in our last conversation (last Monday), he was saying it. In fact, he didn't just say 'I love you', he talked about our future together, told me how amazing I was, all that stuff. Completely unprompted by me.

fivetide wrote: »

Sorry about that but I think it is true.

As I said, look at Rory McIlroy last week. Wedding invites go out, calls it all off "just not ready for it"

Why he's not ready for it is the real question but he'll never answer that and his former fiancee gets humilated in the world media.

I hope eventually you can move one. You'll find someone who respects you and truely reciprocates your feelings which is much better than someone saying they do when they don't.

Thank you, fivetide xxx