How do you cope when you can't move?

going_nowhere_fast

I cant stop crying today, i feel so angry with myself. Years ago i was young and plenty of savings and it all went wrong when i found myself in a mentally abusive relationship. Fast forward several years and im hear having lost around £30 k. I feel so angry with myself for wasting that money, i couldnt even tell you what i spent it on. I just know i frittered it during a time i was trapped with a vile man, isolated so no family or friends to talk to at that time and i was suffering depression - severley. I remember how hard those times were but i know how different my life would be now if i still had that money. I cant even remember where the money went because my memories of that time in my life is a haze. I think mentally ive blocked it out because it was so awful. Im so angry with myself.

going_nowhere_fast

I cant stop crying today, i feel so angry with myself. Years ago i was young and plenty of savings and it all went wrong when i found myself in a mentally abusive relationship. Fast forward several years and im here having lost around £30 k. I feel so angry with myself for wasting that money, i couldnt even tell you what i spent it on. I just know i frittered it during a time i was trapped with a vile man, isolated so no family or friends to talk to at that time and i was suffering depression - severley. I remember how hard those times were but i know how different my life would be now if i still had that money. I cant even remember where the money went because my memories of that time in my life is a haze. I think mentally ive blocked it out because it was so awful. Im so angry with myself.

ognum

Hello GNF

I can feel your pain in your writing but here is my tough love answer.

First, change your user name, you have given yourself a no hope name and it's not helping you, call yourself Trying-to -get-somewhere or something similar. it's amazing how small things like this alter our mental image of ourselves.

Second, it's time to stop living constantly through your past mistakes, reflect on your past in order to improve your future but don't live I. He past.

Third, sit down and write out the positives in your life, we all have some. You have left your abusive relationship, you have the ability to see your family and friends, you have a roof over your head even if it's not exactly where you want it to be.

We all spend money and don't know where it went, that's life. It's gone, spent, frittered away, that's it done. Now be more sensible in the future.

The person who can most help you through is you, you have the ability, move forward with life, you can do it.

TBagpuss

I agree with Ognam, up to a point. It's hard to see the positives among the negatives, but it may help to remind yourself of the, from time to time.

For instance:
- You have escaped from an abusive relationship, so you have achieved that for yourself, and, just as importantly,you have protected your child from growing up witnessing that abuse and learning to believe it is normal.
- You are supporting yourself and your child
- you are dealing with your debts

I'm sure that you can come up with others.

I had a similar situation in that I found myself stuck in a (terraced) house with inconsiderate neighbours and for various financial reasons was not able to move for a long time.

Looking back, one thing I would have done differently was to have accepted that I wasn't going to be able to move and taken more steps to make the place my own, and improve the inside, even if I couldn't do anything about the location or the neighbours. In your case, this might mean chosing to save up for some internal soundproofing, get friends round to help you decorate so the place feels more like home when you are inside, etc.

Good luck.

moneyistooshorttomention

Ognam does make some valid points here. It is important to have a good image of yourself in your mind as A Survivor. If you have to play and replay that song "I'm a Survivor" to yourself 20 times a day until it really "sticks with you" then that is what you do. There are plenty of people out there who try and bring others down and you don't need to add to that by making yourself one of them.

Remind yourself of the positives you have achieved to date and "keep on trucking".

It is always necessary to be totally objective with yourself about your skills level/willpower level/etc (no point in living in a fools paradise) but don't let others or your own emotions bring you down. Just keep right on focusing and ignore both naysayers and your own negative emotions and press on.

It is so easy to have your mental focus blown off track by things like naysayers/our own negative emotions/our hormones influencing the way we think and feel/other people who are deliberately trying to muddle our thinking/etc. I'm in a situation right now where a particular individual has been having the effect of muddling my thinking for a while, but am determined that I and I alone am going to set my thoughts on the path I intend and attempts to "muddy the waters" are to be blasted out of the waters. Be prepared to do "blast out of the water" your own negative emotions on this and stay focused.

going_nowhere_fast

Am trying to blast out the negatives. Right well firstly soundproofing is not an option. When i looked in to it i was told i need to take into account that sound is travelling through floors / ceilings not just walls. It would basically be too expensive to do and my rooms are already small so not really practical. I can however improve it inside. Ive been doing this as and when i can. Last room to do is my front room. I desperately need a new sofa i need to save up for it though - no savings left, have had a few house maintenance issues this year.

Positives are i have a child and love being a mum

I have a roof over our head - its mortgaged which even thiugh its worth ten grand less since i bought it is still a good deal because to rent a house is more than double my monthly payments

I have my health

I have tackled my debts which is the first step in paying them off

I wont be living here forever


Apologies for any typos - mse doesnt work properly on my phone for some reason!

going_nowhere_fast

Forgot a biggie.....i have a job!!! Thank goodness. I know im lucky .

RAS

Well done with spotting what is good about stuff.

You cannot change what happened in the past. That is history. You can use up your energy beating yourself up over what happened or you can use it up making things better for the future.

if you head over to the Money Saving Oldstyle forum you will find a thread in which you are asked to identify 5 good things for each day. You do not have to post every day but it is a good way of making sure you notice the good stuff.

Re the sofa have you checked freegle or freecycle? Sometime people give away decent stuff on there and it might tide you over for a while?

ognum

There are lots of charities who sell for small amounts good second hand sofas which have to be fire safe.

Well done on looking on your positives, try to keep focusing on those.

You will get to where you want just keep going and you will make progress.

going_nowhere_fast

Will do the positive things thank you

Thank you for the advice, sadly there is no way on earth a second hand sofa will pass my door - i got one and it was full of silverfish!!!!!!! Took ages till i stopped finding the little blighters. Its made me reluctant to try that route again. Im on a mission now to get a sofa so the saving starts here (well as soon as ive fixed the car...)