Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

dktreesea

Grumpypoo wrote: »

I agree partly, but starry night and others have expressed what I feel well; I still need privacy.

Yes, I won't be too specific but our family is of Chinese background but my parents have been here for 40 years before they went back 18 years ago. My cousin and her family are more traditional.

That explains a lot. The western idea of extended family - not always, but it can be - is to know who are cousins, aunties, uncles etc are, but rarely actually see them, much less stay with them. Hence, some of our reactions along the lines of "Are you serious?".

Is your family's idea of extended family more along the lines of "my house is your house"?

I've had some experience of Chinese culture. My advice, given your extended family's likely values, is don't ask her to leave. She will be very hurt and probably never get over it, and you will likely regret it forever.

Oh goodness. The only possible solutions I can think of, that would avoid you becoming a black sheep of the family, i.e. for not meeting your family obligations, are a bit extreme. Like emigrating. Or having another child. If you like the first option, I recommend Sydney.

Grumpypoo wrote: »

I'm too timid and can not stand any sort of confrontation
@dktressa - we probably are both doormats.

Either that, or you value peace and harmony and prefer to avoid conflict.

Savvy_Sue

greenorange wrote: »

I'm going against the grain with my post and advising not to make up stories such as the landlord complaining and making her feel uncomfortable by making loud noises in the bedroom etc, as it's far too much effort.

I don't think the OP needs to make stories up. I'd recommend reading the tenancy agreement: if this isn't in breach of it then I'll be very surprised.

tyllwyd

If it is too difficult to say anything to the relative because of cultural reasons, then I'd say the only thing to be done is to work around it as other people have suggested - put a little bed and a tv in the box room, and another tv in the bedroom so that you and your husband can go in there to sit in the evenings.


But if it all gets too much, maybe you will have to think about moving again in six months, but this time choose somewhere less attractive for visiting. Mind you, if she is happy just to sleep on the sofa and sit around in the house when you are out, that is probably going to be difficult.

hazyjo

Any thoughts about replacing the sofa in the near future? Go with a 2 seater, or at least get the springs to poke through on the current one!

Jeez, it's very hard, isn't it. Some great suggestions, even though none likely to be taken up

I don't think your husband/family should be part of this debt you have to her. If you were on your own, that's different.

Jx

picklekin

I don't think there is a way out of this without a little confrontation, but it doesn't have to be bad (why don't you sneak one of your glass of wines before doing it!). Don't wait for her to come round to do it, invite her over or go meet her somewhere and just say that you need a bit of structure, say that its OK if she stays over a couple of week-nights a week but you'd like to know in advance as you and your husband need some privacy and your child needs stability.

I think you owe it to yourself and your husband to stand up for your life together, the longer this goes on the more established it will be and the harder it will be to get out of it.

Grumpypoo

FBaby wrote: »

What I don't understand is why she wouldn't want to go back to her home when she is off and rather stay at yours all day long. That doesn't make sense.
.

Because the train journey is two hours each way, and then factor in bus times and waiting times and it is easily six hours in transit.

Grumpypoo

getmore4less wrote: »

I though you had 3 bedrooms?

how old is the little one.

what about study/ guest bed In the middle room and the little one in the small one.


Getting kicked out of your own living room so she can sleep is not acceptable

The third is really a box room. There is our bedroom, a child's bedroom and a third room. It can only really fit in a bed if there is nothing else at all in the room, but we are planning to use it as a study and maybe nursery in the future.

Grumpypoo

lobbyludd wrote: »

I can understand how she knows where you live, but not how she started to stay over, there must have been some sort of conversation? even if it led to a misunderstanding?

there is also the question of how you staying with her was arranged? there must have been conversations that occurred then? she came over to visit and had her overnight bag and has been here almost every night since.she undoubtedly did you a big favour when she had the resource to do so, whilst that might not mean you legally owe her, returning that favour now that you are able is a lovely thing to do, and a few perhaps awkward conversations are worth starting in order to sort this all out surely? you don't have to live your life in any way other than how you want to, but you do need to start talking to her, as 2 adults.

tbh she sounds like she needs support - 3 hours commute must be dismal. does she have siblings? does she need you as a friend? Is she lonely? overwhelmed by having sole responsibility her parents?
big girl pants on and start having some conversations about what is going on with her She has one sister she is close to but she lives in Australia. She seems to have friends and I have seen photos on facebook of nights out etc. I find it very very difficult to connect to people emotionally. I can not bring myself to have difficult conversations. It is totally different with my husband. I feel like he is literally my other half.

Please see in red.

Grumpypoo

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

I think you need to suck it up really. You sponged off her for 2 years and now shes doing the same to you and you dont like it. Its a bit selfish of you really. Basically you owe her and I would let her stay for the time she helped you out or give her the money in rent you would have paid.
You should have thought about this initailly and rented a room in a house like other students. Its your fault really for taking advantage of her saving thousands and now its biting you on the bottom. You should have paid her rent money in the house and now you wouldnt have this problem.
In life its best to pay your own way properly from the start. You sound totally out for yourself, when your being helped out thats o.k but when you have to return the favour you dont want to know. I cant stand people like this.

As I said, I did not have a student grant or loan. Hindsight is great. I was 17 and decided to do law degree at a reasonable university and got a 2.1 in the end. I thought I would earn loadsa money and pay everyone back; I am a manager at a call centre. I realised afterwards a large percentage will never get a training contract to practice as a solicitor as hundreds and hundreds of graduates are churned out, more than ever would be able to get a law job. My parents paid my tuition and everything else I had to cover myself. I was working as a waitress part time earning around £4/hr at the time and working twenty hours a week. This gave me £100 a week to live on. I had to pay for a bus pass, about £20, photocopier & printer cards at uni, £5 - food, textbooks, clothes entertainment. To rent a room of my own would have been at least £50 per week. I would not have been able to work more hours to cover that and also pass my course.

Grumpypoo

FatVonD wrote: »

I think you need to fabricate a story that your landlord is complaining that the house is over occupied and threatening your tenancy. If you must then tell her she is free to stay over a couple of nights per week but anything over a certain level tips it from being a 'guest' to living there.

Do you claim WTC or CTC? You could possibly say that they are threatening to cut your payments as they don't believe she is not a paying lodger (though you then leave yourself open to her offering to make up the shortfall!)

When my last job relocated I was considering doing the lengthy commute and staying over a couple of nights per week so I only ever did the journey in one direction each day. Could she, say, travel up from home on Monday morning, stay overnight on Monday then travel home after work on the Tuesday night. Travel up again Wednesday morning, stay over and then home again Thursday night and rinse and repeat? Her shifts are not regular. She may have three day shifts, then one night then one day off then three nights and two days off and so on.

If she does end up still staying over then you need to get the boxes out of the box room, forgo your husband's study, and make her comfortable in there so she doesn't have to spend so much time with you. The box room will only fit a bed in if we get rid of the bookcase, desk and chair that are already in it and in that case the bed would literally fill up the whole room. I mentioned it to my husband and he vetoed the idea.

please see comments in red.