Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

seven-day-weekend

Grumpypoo wrote: »

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Why can't you drink what you want and watch what you want in your ofolUOTE]

Part of the problem is her stepmother. She has always been a busybody and since becoming an invalid has had nothing else to do. E.g when my younger sisters got a ratio she phoned my parents to tell her to get it removed because it is unladylike to have one. My sister is 30. I have found in the past that the best way to deal with her is minimise contact apart from brief dutiful visits. Molly who is now staying with us feeds my stepmother a lot of the information she uses to interfere in peoples lives. E.g Molly saw cousin so and so walking with a strange woman so Stepmother phones the wife to tell her.I know from the past all sorts of drama and interference will follow. Two of her five children do not speak to her

I still don't understand why you cannot do as you wish in your own home. So what if the stepmother does get to know and complain? It's none of her business. Just ignore her.

As for your 'visitor', you are going to have to be brave and tell her what you expect from her, whatever that may be.

moneyistooshorttomention

Guess that's how the cookie crumbles.

It's payback time by the sound of it and it just boils down to making the best of it.

Incidentally, I'd try and remove this thread from MSE if I were you, before she gets told about it, or is that the intention?

EDIT: On further reflection, I'm saying that from a British pov. As you are Chinese, then you know that the "family obligations card" counts for one heck of a lot more in that culture than it does in ours.

Even from a British pov, I've been a bit shocked at some of the "harsh" responses given re what to do as regards this relative. Personally, I would certainly say its totally irrelevant that she was single then and you are married now. Married people don't have Get Out of Jail Free cards that are unavailable to single people! Either everyone can play that card or no-one can. She could have played that card years ago, but didn't. She took you in instead. Some single people are also very protective of their privacy/right to do what they please in their own home (I ought to know..because I'm one of them LOL). As a married person, you're used to people around constantly anyway and therefore A.N. Other Body is probably not going to feel as intrusive as it would to a privacy-minded single person.

I've watched a couple I am friends with bring a relative with them to live here on the one hand. On the other hand, I've watched the Other Half in a relationship of someone I know here casually take in another person to join the household (though its become a bit overcrowded in the process) without batting an apparent eyelid. As a privacy-minded single person, I couldn't have done either of those things myself...

19lottie82

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes I was confused by this as well and I notice the Op has not answered this question.

Its possible to record programmes and watch them at a later date.

okborednow

If you feel you can't tell her the truth or use any excuses to encourage her not to stay then from a practical standpoint maybe you could have a sky box fitted in your bedroom? We had my sister live with us for nearly 2 years, it wasn't a problem for us as we all get on well and are near the same age. However obviously we still liked alone time so we used to go to bed early, cuddle up and watch programs she didn't watch. It was actually really nice being cuddled up together and didn't feel like we were forced to be there if you know what I mean. Would that work for you?

ClareTeaches

Grumpypoo wrote: »

I'm too timid and can not stand any sort of confrontation
@dktressa - we probably are both doormats.

Sorry to hear about this tough situation, Grumpypoo.

To echo others, it does sound like Molly needs support as it sounds like she's having a rotten time - she's not living, she's surviving. And she's probably staying at yours on her days off because it's a welcome break from her stepmother, by the sounds of it!

You can't cope with confrontation, which is fine, because I don't think that's what this situation requires. Rather, I think you should speak to her about her situation and the difficulties she's facing with housing, commuting and having no work/life balance.

At the moment she's in limbo and probably can't see any solutions and doesn't fully realise the impact she's having in others, because she's wrapped up in her own misery.

"Molly, I don't know how you manage living so far from work and working such long shifts, then crashing on a sofa, I don't think I could manage it. That can't be fun for you, maybe we can think of some ways to improve things?"
- Job closer to house?
- Rent a room really close to work, so she'd have time to have a life. (I'm thinking as a lodger or 'Monday to Friday' let.)
- What does she like to do outside of work? Engage with her, like go out to the cinema or something with her - remind her what it's like to live, rather than just 'get by'. This will help her regain her taste for life and perhaps she'll look to move on to get that back.

Don't make it about her living with you or the effect she's having on your life, think about how she could improve her own life and solutions you can suggest to help.

duchy

She probably hates sleeping on the sofa ....When you stayed with her did she give you one of her spare bedrooms that was empty or put you on the sofa ?

Whilst I can see that giving her a room of her own gives a message that her staying is OK ....... if you really don't want a confrontation then considering doing so- so at least you all three of you have more privacy is worth considering.

barbiedoll

She's milking it. As a pharmacist, she can get job a lot nearer to her home, she could work in the community or in a hospital that is close to where she lives. No-one needs to commute 3 hours each way to work, especially a qualified pharmacist!

You have more than paid your dues, it's time to tell her that you need your home and your life back. I can quite understand letting a distant relative use your home as a "commuting crash pad" for when she is working late/early shifts (not that hospital pharmacists do that as often as say, nurses) but spending her days off mooching around your home? She's having a laugh, at your expense.

Time to man up OP, this is not about culture, it's about being taken for a ride!

duchy

I wonder if she chooses to work away as a kind of respite from the fact her parents live with her ?

Brighton_belle

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Personally, I would certainly say its totally irrelevant that she was single then and you are married now. her ?

I think where it is relevant, is that when you are single you can make choices about whether to hate a situation but be too afraid to do anything about it, and only you suffer. But when you are married, it's not just about you and what you want and the OP's husband does not owe this relative big time.
But like you moneyistooshort to mention, I couldn't cope with this intrusion whether single or married.

Just for info, this is a website for 5 nights a week lodgings for just such a scenario as someone having to work too far away from home:
http://www.fivenights.com/information/aboutus.aspx

duchy wrote: »

I wonder if she chooses to work away as a kind of respite from the fact her parents live with her ?

Very probably.

GracieP

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes I was confused by this as well and I notice the Op has not answered this question.

She did answer it. She explained that by the time they get in from work, get their child to bed and make dinner they only have a half hour or so before this relative arrives.