Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

Callie22

If she does carry on staying, you need to be careful that you don't get into trouble for breaking the terms of your tenancy agreement - normally they don't allow you to have people staying long term if they're not on the tenancy agreement.

Brighton_belle

I think there is a difference between helping a young member of your family in early adult hood (and you did buy the house food I recall, it's not like you contributed nothing) and expecting such favours for more than a couple of weeks when your a capable middle aged woman with a job and the ability to make choices and decisions. Yes , her situation doesn't sound easy, but she needs to address her own issues and work out a solution.


So yes, you have reason to be grateful to her, but I don't think you owe her forever in an exact reciprocal way.
Most important of all, your husband does not owe her his privacy and family time for the rest of his life.
My husband would be in despair with a semi constant guest, with no end in sight either.

krlyr

She did you a big favour, but she did it out of choice. It doesn't mean you're obliged to house her forever more. As above, housing a single family member when you're single yourself is one thing - your situation is different. For starters, it's not just your home - your partner is entitled to live in your home as just that, your home. This could perhaps be a way to approach it without making it personal - explain that your family deserve the family home to be treated as such, you didn't buy it with the intention of a lodger and her presence has been making it feel that way.

Savvy_Sue

Grumpypoo wrote: »

We have a cleaner round once a week and I feel like I am being judged for that because we are renting and should be saving every penny.

Callie22 wrote: »

If she does carry on staying, you need to be careful that you don't get into trouble for breaking the terms of your tenancy agreement - normally they don't allow you to have people staying long term if they're not on the tenancy agreement.

I'm astonished no-one else has mentioned this, it is your 'get out of jail free' card.

You don't blame your DH, you blame the landlord / the tenancy agreement.

Herongull

Would you and your partner feel comfortable with her staying over, say, 2 nights per week? Or perhaps one night per week?

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

If you put her up for part of the week, that would still help her a lot. She could commute the other nights or perhaps stay in a B&B.

Personally I think she needs to move closer to her work. If her parents don't like to move that is too bad. She needs a life too. Perhaps she can get financial help with adapting her new home. Or perhaps her parents may be eligible for rehousing if she moves?

dandelionclock30

I think you need to suck it up really. You sponged off her for 2 years and now shes doing the same to you and you dont like it. Its a bit selfish of you really. Basically you owe her and I would let her stay for the time she helped you out or give her the money in rent you would have paid.
You should have thought about this initailly and rented a room in a house like other students. Its your fault really for taking advantage of her saving thousands and now its biting you on the bottom. You should have paid her rent money in the house and now you wouldnt have this problem.
In life its best to pay your own way properly from the start. You sound totally out for yourself, when your being helped out thats o.k but when you have to return the favour you dont want to know. I cant stand people like this.

FatVonD

I think you need to fabricate a story that your landlord is complaining that the house is over occupied and threatening your tenancy. If you must then tell her she is free to stay over a couple of nights per week but anything over a certain level tips it from being a 'guest' to living there.

Do you claim WTC or CTC? You could possibly say that they are threatening to cut your payments as they don't believe she is not a paying lodger (though you then leave yourself open to her offering to make up the shortfall!)

When my last job relocated I was considering doing the lengthy commute and staying over a couple of nights per week so I only ever did the journey in one direction each day. Could she, say, travel up from home on Monday morning, stay overnight on Monday then travel home after work on the Tuesday night. Travel up again Wednesday morning, stay over and then home again Thursday night and rinse and repeat?

If she does end up still staying over then you need to get the boxes out of the box room, forgo your husband's study, and make her comfortable in there so she doesn't have to spend so much time with you.

duchy

I'm wondering if part of this is that she is "trapped" as the single adult daughter expected to care for her aging parents as a duty and there is an expectation that she should be a carer and the only way to survive financially -as well as to maintain her career is this punishing (on all of you) routine ?

On a more practical basis- sort out the spare room -put a TV in there as well as a bed so it is clear she is expected to use it as a living room as well as sleep in there.

Primrose

Alternatively you and your husband may have to enter into a little bit of a conspiracy, start play acting and pretend to be getting very ratty with each other whenever she' s in the house so that she feels there a bit of an unpleasant pleasant atmosphere that she can't fail to pick it up.

Then after a while you could legitimately take her to one side, tell her that there are private issues in your household that make it inappropriate for somebody else to be resident there at rhe moment and that you need some space to yourselves and separate bedrooms so you won't be able to accommodate her any more. It,s either this, putting up with it formthe sake or past facours, or tellimg her that its not really coducive to your marital privacy having somebody coming and going so you need to bring the arrangement to an end, but i think you will have to give her a decent notice period.

Savvy_Sue

Primrose wrote: »

Alternatively you and your husband may have to enter into a little bit of a conspiracy, start play acting and pretend to be getting very ratty with each other whenever she' s in the house so that she feels there a bit of an unpleasant pleasant atmosphere that she can't fail to pick it up.

Then after a while you could legitimately take her to one side, tell her that there are private issues in your household that make it inappropriate for somebody else to be resident there at rhe moment and that you need some space to yourselves and separate bedrooms so you won't be able to accommodate her any more. It,s either this, putting up with it formthe sake or past facours, or tellimg her that its not really coducive to your marital privacy having somebody coming and going so you need to bring the arrangement to an end, but i think you will have to give her a decent notice period.

that not only sounds more complicated than it needs to be, but the 'difficulties' are likely to get round all the family as well.

Seriously, it's the tenancy which is the way to go, because it really is a valid reason not to have someone staying over more than half the week.