Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

aileth

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Just to add more detail - our family is generally teetotal but my husband and I drink at home. Its not a secret but I have not poured a glass in the evening as it has made me feel uncomfortable to do so. We like watching game of thrones but the awkward uncomfortable silence when the boobies are out mean I have just recorded it and not watched it for four weeks. I have read the books so not dying to know what happens but its annoying.

Agree with Peachyprice about this. She is a guest in your home, not the other way round. If she doesn't like you drinking then tough; it's your home.

Does she sleep on your sofa or in one of your bedrooms? And you saying you are having to record game of thrones makes me think that she's always downstairs watching TV with you? I find that a bit odd and that'd do my head in. I'd have not much problem with her staying, but when I couldn't watch TV alone with my husband I'd be pretty peeved.

peachyprice

Grumpypoo wrote: »

She will finish work at around 10pm and get here at 10.30 and leave at 7 or 8am.

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Just to add more detail - our family is generally teetotal but my husband and I drink at home. Its not a secret but I have not poured a glass in the evening as it has made me feel uncomfortable to do so. We like watching game of thrones but the awkward uncomfortable silence when the boobies are out mean I have just recorded it and not watched it for four weeks. I have read the books so not dying to know what happens but its annoying.

Reading back, this doesn't make any sense. Why have you not watched GofT for 4 weeks or had a glass of wine for if she's not getting home until 10.30?

Grumpypoo

PasturesNew wrote: »

I bet this is the case. For whatever reason, in the past she's been persuaded to buy a house for them to live in and, for whatever reason this seemed a good idea at the time ..... and as they're living rent free with a relative they get no housing benefits.... and she's "stuck" in that situation for a variety of historical reasons.

I think that's exactly it.

jm2926

Can your husband (and you) start wondering around half naked? Or totally naked? I find it inconvenient when we have visitors that I have to be fully dressed all the time e.g. can't just pop through to fetch a towel etc. Perhaps "forgot" she was there :rotfl:

ska_lover

I wouldn't let this carry on. I would hate to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I wouldn't allow it at all, I would drink and watch what I want and if guests don't like it, well they know where the door is

Yes she put you up years ago, whilst at Uni, but that was different circumstances and she was single. And that was her choice to do so. To do someone a good turn, is not infact a good turn if all you are doing is saving it up in the memory bank for a pay back at a later date

Your choice is up to you, you don't need to pay her back with your sanity and at the cost of your husband and child

I would tell her it isn't on, as a family you need private time and she is intruding. Which is totally different from what you were doing to her, as she was a single person, when you were at Uni. She is intruding on your lives.

I see she has problems, paying bills and caring for her parents etc, but in my calculating way, they are her problems, not yours. You cannot sort out her problems by taking them on yourself. Trying to sort her issues by being kind is going to be of detriment to yourself

I would have her out - today..and send her back to where she came from

Threebabes

~Beanie~ wrote: »

And me!!

You are not close enough to ask whether is she saving up for a deposit or what her plans are? Why not? You lived with her for 2 years, she virtually lives with you, just ask her!

And as for not watching what you want on TV and not drinking, that's ridiculous. It's your home, you should be able to do and watch what you like without feeling uncomfortable.

Phew, pleased im not the only one ...

Flugelhorn

I suspect (though may be wrong) the OP and the lodger may come from an extended family where such hospitality is expected and hence the reason why the lodger may have assumed it was OK and the OP finding it hard to change things

getmore4less

Summer is coming,

Hubby hangs around the house in shorts.
(I was going to say tight but he needs to stay comfortable)

More serious.

It is your house so you drink and watch whatever TV you want.

Why are you uncomfortable she is not your mum, chat with hubby the way you would do normaly.

IT seems that crash pad is OK(or would be) it is the other times that are the issue and these need addressing to reduce the invasiveness.

perhaps some noisy bedroom action we are trying for anothe baby.

What are the shift patterns like that means there is hanging around the house days.

Getting an advanced schedule is risky as it sends a message that things are ok

I think I would go with the "you need to try to plan your shifts better so you get enough time to go home more often your mum will be missing you" This might be longer stretches where she crashes but 2-3-4 days off in a row so she can go home.

Another angle but potentialy risky is find her a boyfriend, start bringing round all your single mates, hubby must ghave one that is up for it.


Another angle is have some of your friends to stay for a long weekend or parents for a week so she has to make alternative arrangements.

hazyjo

Flugelhorn wrote: »

I suspect (though may be wrong) the OP and the lodger may come from an extended family where such hospitality is expected and hence the reason why the lodger may have assumed it was OK and the OP finding it hard to change things

Was about to say the same thing and ask whether there were cultural reasons here too.

Jx

pollypenny

A very difficult situation. However, if OP stayed with this relative, without contributing, for two years, she does owe some help in return.

A very tactful discussion is needed.