Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

Threebabes

I would change the locks.

egoode

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Not really - the stepmother became disabled about 17 years ago in a serious car accident and they have carers allowance & benefits, but , we'll call her Molly pays the mortgage. I don't know if she is saving for a deposit or what. I am not emotionally close to her and would not even know how to ask her that.

This may be an unpopular option but if you aren't that close to her and don't really want her staying with you then I would use your husband as an excuse and say that he's finding it too intrusive having her stay there so often and he initially didn't realise she would be there so often.

While I understand you feel you owe her for her letting you live with her for 1.5 years to me that doesn't mean you have to repay her by letting her stay with you. Especially as the situation is quite different in that you have a husband and child in the house as well.

Alternatively speak to her about only staying a certain number of times a month and that you need to know in advance when she will be there.

Good luck and I hope you find a solution.

PasturesNew

LittleMrsThrifty wrote: »

In fact it may be that by living with them and helping them out in this way she is preventing them from getting what they are entitled to.

I bet this is the case. For whatever reason, in the past she's been persuaded to buy a house for them to live in and, for whatever reason this seemed a good idea at the time ..... and as they're living rent free with a relative they get no housing benefits.... and she's "stuck" in that situation for a variety of historical reasons.

Poor thing ... what's she got to look forward to? She should be "loaded" with her job.

peachyprice

I feel quite sorry for her really. She's paying a mortgage on a house that's too far for her to get to work from so that her disabled mother can still live there which means she's tied to them for the foreseeable future.

She's obviously a very generous person firstly to have taken you in when you were a student and now paying to keep a roof over her parents head, she's probably treating you as she would treat someone in her situation herself.

I don't think I would mind the late night and early morning comings and goings, but hanging around on her days of probably would bother me. Perhaps you could encourage her to go home on those days under the guise of spending quality family time together?

It is a difficult one though and hindsight is 20/20!

~Beanie~

Threebabes wrote: »

I would change the locks.

And me!!

You are not close enough to ask whether is she saving up for a deposit or what her plans are? Why not? You lived with her for 2 years, she virtually lives with you, just ask her!

And as for not watching what you want on TV and not drinking, that's ridiculous. It's your home, you should be able to do and watch what you like without feeling uncomfortable.

peachyprice

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Just to add more detail - our family is generally teetotal but my husband and I drink at home. Its not a secret but I have not poured a glass in the evening as it has made me feel uncomfortable to do so. We like watching game of thrones but the awkward uncomfortable silence when the boobies are out mean I have just recorded it and not watched it for four weeks. I have read the books so not dying to know what happens but its annoying.

You shouldn't be treading on eggshells in your own home. Perhaps if you do start living as you wish, drinking and watching what you want on the TV she will not stay so often. At the moment you are somewhat pandering to her in living a lifestyle you think she wants to you live. I would stop that right now.

Mojisola

19lottie82 wrote: »

But anyway, I guess this is unrelated to the mater in hand.

It is related if she's using the fact that she doesn't have any money to rent somewhere.

Grumpypoo - Very difficult situation to be in. It seems hard to stop her staying completely when she was helpful to you when you needed it. Certainly go back to living your life in your own way and try to reduce the amount of time she stays.

pmlindyloo

egoode wrote: »

This may be an unpopular option but if you aren't that close to her and don't really want her staying with you then I would use your husband as an excuse and say that he's finding it too intrusive having her stay there so often and he initially didn't realise she would be there so often.

While I understand you feel you owe her for her letting you live with her for 1.5 years to me that doesn't mean you have to repay her by letting her stay with you. Especially as the situation is quite different in that you have a husband and child in the house as well.

Alternatively speak to her about only staying a certain number of times a month and that you need to know in advance when she will be there.

Good luck and I hope you find a solution.

I totally agree with this post.

It is time to have a talk with her. It may be awkward but you cannot live the rest of your life 'paying for' something that happened fifteen years ago when you were a student. Although I agree she did you a huge favour, at the same time you paid for the food and she probably enjoyed your company. She was quite young herself from what you say. Did she offer to have you at the time or was it really a case of your having no where to stay?

You may have to use your husband as a bit of an excuse but she would be really insensitive not to understand that her behaviour is intrusive. It is ridiculous that she is 'dictating' the way you live. Perhaps if you watched what you liked on the TV and drank what you liked she wouldn't stay!!!

Hopefully if you get across that she's welcome for a visit then you may be able to discuss why she's in this predicament and offer some solutions. It must be a horrid life for her.

If you can't have this conversation then you are going to have to be strong and say 'I'm sorry, but no more'.

burnoutbabe

Make it into a more formal Monday-Friday arrangement? so she is not there at weekends. arriving 10pm and leaving 7am doesn't seem that bad, so why not watch "rude" stuff beforehand and when she is there watch something less contraversial? Surely with sky + one can watch when one wants.

Also, she could sell the house and rent somewhere nearer work for all of them. She is not "stuck". Or even rent the house and rent somewhere else.

Starrystarrynight

What a difficult situation!
Much as you may have a lot to be grateful to her for, your home is also your husband's, and I feel it's unreasonable of her to impose herself there.
You're in a very different situation to that of your university days, but maybe she needs to know it's not just you that you're thinking about. Your husband also needs his privacy.