Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

Grumpypoo

This is a bit long but I want you to have all the background. 15 years ago when I was a student I lived with a relative in her 2 bed flat for almost 2 years. I did not pay any bills and but I bought food for the house as I only earned £400 per month which was for my transport and university books etc. (no student grant because my parents had emigrated). I have since married and have a son.

She is a hospital pharmacist in London and works both day and night shifts. She is in her 40s and single as far as I know. She lives with her elderly father and stepmother in a town about 2 hours away from her job. The stepmother is disabled and her father is the carer. My relatives pays their bills. She used to rent a room near her job but could not afford to essentially run 2 homes so commutes every day 4 hours or stays with friends etc.


Now the thing is my husband and I are renting a house half an hour from London by train as I also work there. My husband drives to work in a different direction. Our old house in the same area was essentially an en suite shower room and bedroom, a small nursery for our son and a small kitchen/living area that opened out into the street. We had no room for visitors. Now we have three bedrooms and a big open plan lounge diner.




We live half an hour away from her job now and for the 4 weeks we have lived here apart from about 6 nights she has crashed here. She will finish work at around 10pm and get here at 10.30 and leave at 7 or 8am. Some days she will be off and just hang out at the house while we are at work. It is very irregular and some days she will go to her parents or other friends. We have not spoken about splitting bills or anything because that would formalize it.
My husband and I are quite private people and enjoy our own private space. I hate having someone who comes and goes. I do not really enjoy her company at all but we are polite to her. I mooched off her essentially for a year and a half – I will owe her for life and can’t kick her out. I hate this situation and don’t know what to do.

PasturesNew

Difficult. You owe her for the generosity that enabled you to get a good education that's set you up for life - and you recognise that.

She's single, with elderly parents and no fixed abode..... poor thing.

I don't know the answer... there is no answer without knowing the ins and outs of everything. Her income/expenditure would make for an interesting read as she doesn't seem to have any costs except travel/food.

19lottie82

edit...... my original post said that you were being selfish, because I read it as she had been there 6 nights in 4 weeks.





Arrgh, hard.

I'd maybe make some gentle hints as to what her long term plans are?

What was mentioned when she originally came to stay, in terms of a time period?

aileth

I think you do owe her for the years she took care of you, but I think there needs to be some ground rules.

Ask her to let you know in advance when she will and won't be at your house. If she's not permanently staying, it can be frustrating if say for example you and your husband wanted a romantic evening in and she turns up all of a sudden. Get her to post it on the fridge or something so you have a rough idea.

I wouldn't discuss splitting bills because quite simply she allowed you to stay with her with no recompense, and anyway with those sorts of hours any utility use is going to be minimal. I'd bet you used 10 times that amount and she didn't ask for anything.

You owe her to stay for at least the time you mooched off her, so until she overstays that I would smile and get on with it.

hazyjo

I'm stumped. Usually got advice for just about anything - but I'm at a loss.

Like the others above, I cannot think of a way to get out of this one (without incurring money like having an au pair, a major redecoration/refurb project going on, or you going on holiday!). Even then, you're up .... creek if she says no worries, she'll sleep on the sofa/housesit/put up with whatever.

Hmmm. That is such a difficult one.

Jx

Mojisola

Grumpypoo wrote: »

[/SIZE]She lives with her elderly father and stepmother in a town about 2 hours away from her job. The stepmother is disabled and her father is the carer. My relatives pays their bills. She used to rent a room near her job but could not afford to essentially run 2 homes so commutes every day 4 hours or stays with friends etc. [/FONT]

Don't her parents must have their own income? If so, then she is choosing to completely fund the other home. Her parents should be sharing the bills so that she can afford to have her own place nearer work.

tea_lover

Have you given her a key?

Grumpypoo

Mojisola wrote: »

Don't her parents must have their own income? If so, then she is choosing to completely fund the other home. Her parents should be sharing the bills so that she can afford to have her own place nearer work.

Not really - the stepmother became disabled about 17 years ago in a serious car accident and they have carers allowance & benefits, but , we'll call her Molly pays the mortgage. I don't know if she is saving for a deposit or what. I am not emotionally close to her and would not even know how to ask her that.

19lottie82

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Not really - the stepmother became disabled about 17 years ago in a serious car accident and they have carers allowance & benefits, but , we'll call her Molly pays the mortgage. I don't know if she is saving for a deposit or what. I am not emotionally close to her and would not even know how to ask her that.

I'm no expert, but if the SM is on full rate DLA, surely she must be getting enough to pay the bills? And if there was a car accident then maybe there might have been some kind of payout?

But anyway, I guess this is unrelated to the mater in hand.

Grumpypoo

tea_lover wrote: »

Have you given her a key?

Yes I did... the first day she came to stay, in the evening when I got back from work she was like 'oh, I could not leave the house all day as I did not have a key to get back in - so I gave her the spare as she had said she would be back the next day.


Just to add more detail - our family is generally teetotal but my husband and I drink at home. Its not a secret but I have not poured a glass in the evening as it has made me feel uncomfortable to do so. We like watching game of thrones but the awkward uncomfortable silence when the boobies are out mean I have just recorded it and not watched it for four weeks. I have read the books so not dying to know what happens but its annoying.


I could not even ask her to help with nursery/childcare in exchange because you have to pay in advance and they require x weeks notice of any change and her schedule is not regular so there would be no point. We have a cleaner round once a week and I feel like I am being judged for that because we are renting and should be saving every penny. Maybe I am just projecting but it is also based on what I know of her having known her my whole life.

LittleMrsThrifty

I agree this is tricky.

Grumpypoo - how did her staying with you and coming as she pleases come about? I presume she didn't just turn up on the doorstep one day? This would help us to understand where her current behaviour stems from, and then what you can do about it.

Although her finances are, technically, none of your business, they are your business if you are putting her up because you think she can't afford her own place. I would be surprised if her parents are in what must be a terrible situation and given no state financial support at all. In fact it may be that by living with them and helping them out in this way she is preventing them from getting what they are entitled to.