Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

Cottage_Economy

Personally I would be watching lots of things on the TV where boobies are out along with many other things.

I'd also put a sign on your bedroom door that says "if the house is rockin', don't come knockin', then proceed to bang the bejesus out of the headboard against the wall. Even if you and hubby are not on the job and standing on separate sides of the bed and banging it against the walls with your hands, do it and make the appropriate noises.

Leave containers of 'lubricant' in the fridge door next to the milk and at eye level.

Leave some on her bed and ruffle the covers, then zoom past her when she comes in to the room, apologise while retrieving the lubricant and run out giggling.

After a few days drop into the conversation that you are both trying for a baby, but the doctors reckon it could be up to a year before anything happens.

She'll flee. Honestly, she'll flee.

No-one wants to be in a house where they feel uncomfortable and I'm afraid you're making it all way too comfortable for her. Only when she feels discomfort will she leave.

Grumpypoo

PasturesNew wrote: »

Difficult. Her income/expenditure would make for an interesting read as she doesn't seem to have any costs except travel/food.

The thing is, she is paying a mortgage on a house 2 hours away from where she lives. Door to door it is more like three hours.

LittleMrsThrifty wrote: »

Grumpypoo - how did her staying with you and coming as she pleases come about? I presume she didn't just turn up on the doorstep one day? This would help us to understand where her current behaviour stems from, and then what you can do about it.

She called one day to visit & I said we are moving house and she said ‘oh I can help’. And to be fair she did help but we had five other friends and neighbours helping already. Our new place is a convenient five minute walk from the train station.

~Beanie~ wrote: »

And me!!

You are not close enough to ask whether is she saving up for a deposit or what her plans are? Why not? You lived with her for 2 years, she virtually lives with you, just ask her!

And as for not watching what you want on TV and not drinking, that's ridiculous. It's your home, you should be able to do and watch what you like without feeling uncomfortable.

You are right but I am a very timid person unfortunately and I can’t stand confrontation.

burnoutbabe wrote: »

. arriving 10pm and leaving 7am doesn't seem that bad, so why not watch "rude" stuff beforehand and when she is there watch something less contraversial? Surely with sky + one can watch when one wants.

Also, she could sell the house and rent somewhere nearer work for all of them. She is not "stuck". Or even rent the house and rent somewhere else.

Her parents are very ‘fixed’ and the bathroom has been adapted. I can not see them moving. Some days she is at home all day and even when she does come around 10, by the time we have put the little one to sleep and made dinner it is around 9.30 ish.

aileth wrote: »

Does she sleep on your sofa or in one of your bedrooms? And you saying you are having to record game of thrones makes me think that she's always downstairs watching TV with you? I find that a bit odd and that'd do my head in. I'd have not much problem with her staying, but when I couldn't watch TV alone with my husband I'd be pretty peeved.

The ‘spare’ bedroom is still full of boxes so she sleeps on the sofa. We want it to be a study (as my husband is studying) or even a nursery for the future ??? I think it is too small for a bed anyway, it is a little box room.
The other thing is I swear like a sailor when it is just me and my husband. Everyone else sees me as prim and proper, but I let my hair down when we are just the two of us – I don’t feel able to do that right now.

Poppops

I don't really think this situation is that difficult.

When you stayed with her you were both single. You now live in your family home. I would point that out. You are entitled to have a family life. This is how life works after all.

You can't be beholden to her for the rest of your life.

I would sit her down and say that you appreciate everything she did for you but having someone in the house most nights is encroaching on your personal time with your husband and as a family.

If she is bothered about boobs on the TV the reminder of what married couples tend to do in bed might be the push she needs.

I would sort it sooner rather than later

PasturesNew

Flugelhorn wrote: »

I suspect (though may be wrong) the OP and the lodger may come from an extended family where such hospitality is expected and hence the reason why the lodger may have assumed it was OK and the OP finding it hard to change things

I think this might be the case.... and the not drinking alcohol. All adds up to a different culture.

The British attitude of kicking family out and forcing them to sort themselves out and not caring if they sink/swim probably isn't the right approach for long-term happiness.

Appalled that the OP drinks and sits and watches boobs on the telly though! I'm quite glad the visitor's putting a halt to this nonsense

PasturesNew

Grumpypoo wrote: »

The other thing is I swear like a sailor

... it gets worse!!

FBaby

I understand why she would welcome the offer to come over when she finishes late and start early, in that case, she should come over, bring a take away, eat it, and go to bed, hence not disturbing you.

What I don't understand is why she wouldn't want to go back to her home when she is off and rather stay at yours all day long. That doesn't make sense.

I think however uncomfortable I would feel bringing it up, I would ask why she doesn't go home when she is off and go from there, making her understand that the house is only open for when she has late nights/early mornings.

bagpussbear

I don't think you do owe her for life, there's being grateful and then there is knowing where to draw boundaries. She was very good to you earlier in your life, absolutely, but that doesn't mean you should have to put up with something you (and your husband) are so unhappy about. And adjusting what you watch, and how you behave in your new home, my goodness!

No need for confrontation, but start to have conversations about what her future plans are, and if you aren't happy with her answers then you must simply say that whilst you are grateful for her kindness in the past, you now need to have the house back to yourselves. Don't think you need to explain further. Maybe offer to help her find somewhere else?

It's not such a difficult situation really, the only difficulty comes with the fact you feel indebted to her permanently.

Have that conversation soon OP!

Mojisola

Grumpypoo wrote: »

[/SIZE][/FONT]The ‘spare’ bedroom is still full of boxes so she sleeps on the sofa. We want it to be a study (as my husband is studying) or even a nursery for the future ??? I think it is too small for a bed anyway, it is a little box room.

FBaby wrote: »

I understand why she would welcome the offer to come over when she finishes late and start early, in that case, she should come over, bring a take away, eat it, and go to bed, hence not disturbing you.

Difficult if she's sleeping on the sofa.

getmore4less

I though you had 3 bedrooms?

how old is the little one.

what about study/ guest bed In the middle room and the little one in the small one.


Getting kicked out of your own living room so she can sleep is not acceptable

lobbyludd

I can understand how she knows where you live, but not how she started to stay over, there must have been some sort of conversation? even if it led to a misunderstanding?

there is also the question of how you staying with her was arranged? there must have been conversations that occurred then? she undoubtedly did you a big favour when she had the resource to do so, whilst that might not mean you legally owe her, returning that favour now that you are able is a lovely thing to do, and a few perhaps awkward conversations are worth starting in order to sort this all out surely? you don't have to live your life in any way other than how you want to, but you do need to start talking to her, as 2 adults.

tbh she sounds like she needs support - 3 hours commute must be dismal. does she have siblings? does she need you as a friend? Is she lonely? overwhelmed by having sole responsibility her parents?

big girl pants on and start having some conversations about what is going on with her