Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

pimento

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Because the train journey is two hours each way, and then factor in bus times and waiting times and it is easily six hours in transit.

What did she do before she stayed with you?

Grumpypoo

She commuted a few days and occasionally stayed with friends & other relations. Someone else asked about if she can go to her siblings - they are even further north than her parents.


I spoke to an uncle last night: he said basically the step mother announced the daughter is living with us now as is our duty(i.e. my husband and I) . The background he says is that the parents are happy for her full salary to go towards paying the household bills and have her live her life to take care of them.

Amanda65

I think it's completely unreasonable for your relative to expect to stay with you, despite the fact she gave you a home as a student. Your student time had a limit - this could go on for years.

I would definitely check your tenancy agreement with regards to occupancy and ensure you are not breaking any rules, even if only for your own peace of mind; as others have said this may offer you an easy way to bring up the conversation and limit the amount of time she stays.

Unlike some others, I do not think it acceptable either that she sets up camp in your living room. Where does she keep her personal belongings (clothes, toiletries etc.) ?

You may hate confrontation and I appreciate the cultural expectations but as far as I see it you either have to say something or put up with the situation for ............ well who knows how long.

Out of interest, when you posted originally what did you expect from people? You have been given options as to how to address the situation but seem unable / unwilling to take any of them on board. The sensible answer for your relative would be to move to a job nearer home but if she likes living in London / has friends local to work etc. she is going to have to pay for the priveledge. Could she not rent a room near work or share with a friend? What did she do before you moved to where you are now?

Edit - seen your last post re what she did before

Amanda65

Grumpypoo wrote: »

I spoke to an uncle last night: he said basically the step mother announced the daughter is living with us now as is our duty(i.e. my husband and I) . The background he says is that the parents are happy for her full salary to go towards paying the household bills and have her live her life to take care of them.

Basically then she is yours for life now then unless you pluck up the courage to act

onlyroz

We've had a "friend" living with us since November after his flat was repossessed and getting rid of him has been a HUGE problem. Hubby has known him since he was a child and so we didn't want to see him out on the streets, but wjat we thought would be a helping hand for a few weeks has turned into nearly seven months of rent-free occupation of our spare room.

Firstly we were waiting for his old flat to sell (he had around £10k of equity in it), then we were waiting for him to pay us back the money lent over the years (originally given in a vain attempt to prevent the repossession in the first place). And then we were waiting for ... nothing. So why is he still here? Because he's a !!!!less idiot who has never learned to stand on his own two feet. He spent 20 years leeching of his grandmother, and then 5 years in a doomed attempt at owning his own flat. So now, 40 years old, he lacks the basic survival skills that presumably his mother failed to teach him, and thinks that things will magically fall into his lap.

When we questioned him over his plans he seemed to think that he would be able to get a council flat. Erm no, not unless he was pregnant, disabled, or a victim of domestic abuse - unless he wants a loooonnnngggg wait. When we informed him that the cost of lodging elsewhere would be likely £400-500 a month he was like WHATTT?? (Considering that the mortgage that he couldn't afford to pay was only around £600 a month). But now, finally, he has said that he's looking at some other rooms and so we hope that he'll be gone very soon.

So to the OP - the longer you leave the situation as it is, the harder it will become to change it. If you're unhappy then set some ground-rules now. E.g. perhaps you're OK with her staying 2-3 nights a week? And if she has a day off then she should return home. There is also a trade-off between making her comfortable (e.g. putting a futon into the spare room for her to sleep on) and creating an impression of permenance (e.g. if she's crashing on the sofa then it is more obviously a temporary arrangement, but she's also more in your way). My advice here would be to keep yourself sane and get her out your hair as much as possible. So if you can, give her a separate room to sleep in and reclaim back your sofa in the evenings. Otherwise, eventually just the sight of her there will make you start to seeth with rage.

Mojisola

Grumpypoo wrote: »

The background he says is that the parents are happy for her full salary to go towards paying the household bills and have her live her life to take care of them.

In which case offer to join forces with her to help her get out of this situation. She can't be happy, working full-time but not having control over her money or her life.

CH27

Grumpypoo wrote: »

She commuted a few days and occasionally stayed with friends & other relations. Someone else asked about if she can go to her siblings - they are even further north than her parents.


I spoke to an uncle last night: he said basically the step mother announced the daughter is living with us now as is our duty(i.e. my husband and I) . The background he says is that the parents are happy for her full salary to go towards paying the household bills and have her live her life to take care of them.

How does she feel about that?
I reckon she feels trapped & helpless. Nobody in their right mind chooses to live the way she is.
I'd be sitting down & trying to work out a solution with her. She's obviously an intelligent woman.

egoode

You may hate confrontation but it is definitely required here. At a minimum if you are ok with her staying in the house then set some ground rules. For example she's able to stay nights only and if she has a day off she is not welcome to stay at your place, she needs to give you a copy of her shifts as soon as they are available and needs to let you know which evenings she will be staying.

If you don't want her to stay at all then you need to say that and make sure it's not just you talking to her this needs to be done as a team with your husband.

I also think people need to stop blaming tradition and culture on the reasons why they are miserable. Cultures and traditions are always evolving and they way they evolve is by people standing up for themselves and starting their own new traditions. You've already said they are more traditional than your immediate family so you've already started changing things. Keep moving forward with that and really you say you aren't that close to your cousin and don't seem to like her parents so would it really be any great loss if they get so offended you never see them again except at bigger family functions? Life's too short to be miserable because you are too scared to stand up for yourself and they are taking advantage banking on the fact you are unlikely to stand up for yourself.

duchy

Grumpypoo wrote: »

She commuted a few days and occasionally stayed with friends & other relations. Someone else asked about if she can go to her siblings - they are even further north than her parents.


I spoke to an uncle last night: he said basically the step mother announced the daughter is living with us now as is our duty(i.e. my husband and I) . The background he says is that the parents are happy for her full salary to go towards paying the household bills and have her live her life to take care of them.

I think you need to stop talking to the rest of the family and talk to her. You are both getting screwed over by the cultural expectations of the rest of the family and instead of tiptoeing around her you need to sort out what you both want and the best way to achieve it.

Worst scenario is she takes offence.....and doesn't stay anymore- best is you find a way to give you what you both want (or a compromise) and she may be as fed up with the family expectations as you are.

Your uncle's comments are a great starting point- Tell her what he said and ask her what is really going on .

You lived with her for three years ....and you are both working women -surely an honest talk is possible !

duchy

egoode wrote: »

I also think people need to stop blaming tradition and culture on the reasons why they are miserable.

That is easy to say - however when that culture has a far stronger respect and deference for the elder members of the family and they are deemed to have authority than British culture has it really isn't that easy to be the first to stand up and be counted.

Even in British culture there are certain MILs or stepmothers who dictate to the rest of the family-let alone a culture with a far stronger history of elder authority.

(Speaking as someone whose parents also defied their own cultures' authority to be together -It's not easy)