Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

Grumpypoo

notanewuser wrote: »

I thought it was Molly's stepmother??

sorry, typo. Molly's stepmother.

notanewuser

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Example 2. My stepmother did not want us to have a western wedding, only a tea ceremony and registry office.My husband said balls to that and said he would go ahead with the tea ceremony to keep the peace and have a ‘fairy-tale’ wedding because he knew I wanted one. Anyway even then she got all offended that we did not do the tea ceremony ‘properly’.She then invited about 10 guests of her own to our wedding (that she hadn’t wanted us to have).We had the ceremony and reception at a venue about 2 minutes drive from her house because she had complained about how difficult it would be for her to travel with her ill health and she wanted to be there (this is when she saw we are going ahead of with it).Her three little granddaughters were the bridesmaids and Molly was a bridesmaid too, partly to look after the little ones.They were ten minutes late to the wedding even though their house was round the corner.The wedding was at 1pm and someone who passed through their house later told me that at 10am everyone was still in PJs.I (the bride) was waiting outside the church in the car for them to turn up and was fuming. I know it will sound crazy, but I know she told them to be late, as her form of protest, and Molly went along with it. In the church they all stood in the wrong places.Not one of them said ‘sorry we were late’ or anything.In hindsight I should have just gone ahead without them then they would have looked silly, four bridesmaids trooping in after the service had started. For a gift the stepmother gave a £50 gift voucher from the whole family including Molly.Again I know it was intended as an insult. All this was seven years ago but it still bothers me.

Back to your stepmother again. :think:

Why on earth have you given this woman, whether your stepmother or someone else's, so much of a say in your life?!

She's insulted you for years, yet you daren't insult her. You and your husband need to grow up and grow some balls.

Brighton_belle

It is quite confusing grumpypoo to read such loathing and dislike of the nasty bully that the stepmother is, and your cousin, a colluding down trodden spy, and yet in the next breathe you saying your too timid and afraid to stand up to her/them.
Well inside your not at all downtrodden or afraid are you - your seething with rage and dislike (all quite reasonable emotions in the circs to me).
Funny how the stepmother loathes western values and yet has chosen to benefit from them by living here...

Grumpypoo

Brighton_belle wrote: »

It is quite confusing grumpypoo to read such loathing and dislike of the nasty bully that the stepmother is, and your cousin, a colluding down trodden spy, and yet in the next breathe you saying your too timid and afraid to stand up to her/them.
Well inside your not at all downtrodden or afraid are you - your seething with rage and dislike (all quite reasonable emotions in the circs to me).
Funny how the stepmother loathes western values and yet has chosen to benefit from them by living here...

I suppose that even if inside I am raging I have experienced the negative pushback from doing things how I want and keeping the peace means doing what she wants. I would not say she loathes western values. She just wants to preserve (her interpretation of) tradition.

notanewuser wrote: »

Back to your stepmother again. :think:

Why on earth have you given this woman, whether your stepmother or someone else's, so much of a say in your life?!

She's insulted you for years, yet you daren't insult her. You and your husband need to grow up and grow some balls.

I try to minimise contact but when it is inevitable she will have her own way or smash up what you have chosen to do. We did have the wedding she didn't want for example and she found a way to make sure I would be upset. The stepmother has a hold on our family I believe because they were quite wealthy and lent my dad money for a business venture. that did not go well, did not get their money back so that, added to tradition means she feels entitled that we should be beholden to her. It might not make sense to you but through the lens of culture it does.

notanewuser

Grumpypoo wrote: »

I try to minimise contact but when it is inevitable she will have her own way or smash up what you have chosen to do. We did have the wedding she didn't want for example and she found a way to make sure I would be upset. The stepmother has a hold on our family I believe because they were quite wealthy and lent my dad money for a business venture. that did not go well, did not get their money back so that, added to tradition means she feels entitled that we should be beholden to her. It might not make sense to you but through the lens of culture it does.

But as long as you let "the lens of culture" dictate things nothing is going to change. No point complaining about something you aren't prepared to do something about.

moneyistooshorttomention

...and pure objective fact equals that all of you (you/Wicked Stepmother/Molly) are now in Britain and have been for quite some time...

It does mean adapting being in someone else's country and its time WS recognised this.

I think we all have to do so. I'm English from an urban area and have recently moved to pretty darn remote Wales and a recent lesson has been to "keep my mouth shut" when "normal standard" houses (as I see it) are described as "exceptional" and "run down in need of renovation" houses (as I see it) are described as if they are in as normal condition (but I don't see them that way).

Different perspectives and we all have to learn when its best to keep our mouth shut and/or adapt. Long past time for WS to "adapt" imo.

So if even British people can find things are different to what they are used to in different parts of Britain then its time WS was told just how things are here imo. In this country we, by and large, don't try and dictate how relatives lead their lives (yep....many of us try and manoeuvre things a bit "by the back door" but that's a different story....). We don't tend to go in for "full frontal attacks" on "You must lead your life this way and I am entitled to order you it will be so because I am a relative" here...its much more subtle and therefore easier to ignore if need be:cool:

By and large our way of dealing with unacceptable behaviour is to pretend we haven't even noticed it and then "go our own sweet way" regardless.

Brighton_belle

Grumpypoo wrote: »

I suppose that even if inside I am raging I have experienced the negative pushback from doing things how I want and keeping the peace means doing what she wants. I would not say she loathes western values. She just wants to preserve (her interpretation of) tradition.

I can hear how very difficult it is for you grumpypoo. I'm offering feedback in the hope you might find it helpful, but it is you who has to live with the consequences and only you can judge want you feel able to do and not do at present.
I suppose my OTT reflection that she seems to loathe western values comes from her comment that 'you were becoming too westernised', but I do get the subtle difference in the way you have explained it. However, she is a nasty sounding bully who is hanging her manipulative and controlling nature on the peg of 'preserving tradition'.

I do think it is ok to moan and not at present do anything about it. Voicing how you feel and hearing yourself can be a powerful tool for change. Sometimes, the space to get it all out there and be heard by others is a first step towards change, even if it takes several years to achieve.

Mojisola

There are plenty of matriarchs in British families - women who rule the roost and make life difficult for those who dare to live their lives as they wish.

Whether this is a cultural problem or just a narcissist in action - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder - the rest of the family have to decide whether to bow to the pressure and live miserable lives or take a stand.

It is never easy to get out from a situation like this but it isn't easy to live according to their whims either.

moneyistooshorttomention

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I can hear how very difficult it is for you grumpypoo. I'm offering feedback in the hope you might find it helpful, but it is you who has to live with the consequences and only you can judge want you feel able to do and not do at present.
I suppose my OTT reflection that she seems to loathe western values comes from her comment that 'you were becoming too westernised', but I do get the subtle difference in the way you have explained it. However, she is a nasty sounding bully who is hanging her manipulative and controlling nature on the peg of 'preserving tradition'.

I do think it is ok to moan and not at present do anything about it. Voicing how you feel and hearing yourself can be a powerful tool for change. Sometimes, the space to get it all out there and be heard by others is a first step towards change, even if it takes several years to achieve.

It is a "weapon" that some people will use if they can to say "You aren't acting in accordance with our values". At that point it is up to you to try and make an objective assessment as to whether that is or isn't the truth and try and stand back from things as best you can and work out what is your opinions/their opinions/the objective truth.

As that urban English person, on my recent move I fell for a neighbour trying to tell me how to act in some respects to start with when they told me "This is how WE are" here and I tried to conform as best I could. Then I realised and translated it into "This is what I personally want and am going to try and tell you that this is how WE behave here". People, in any culture, do sometimes try and pull that stunt and it is a question of working out what really IS "in accordance with how things really are/the prevailing culture" on the one hand and what that particular individual has as personal wishes on the other hand.

Ignore WS. Take account of poor Molly (who is being pushed around by the sound of it) and try and work out a fair solution that will meet everyone's needs/wishes is (apart from WS by the sound of it - as it sounds as if they are busily enough focusing on what they personally want that no-one else needs to take much account there then....:cool:).

According to our way of looking at things it is a case of "Poor Molly....cant even have things how she wants within her own home". You are both of you coming over as victims of a different cultural viewpoint from what I can see.

katsclaws

I have a close relative who is a pharmacist. He earns almost three times average earnings so your relative must be on a good salary. I appreciate that she is paying all the bills at the other house but I would have thought that she could afford to rent a bedsit or a room in a house near to where she works. It can't be very pleasant not having her own room in your house. Have you discussed with your relative why her father and stepmother can't make a contribution to the bills at the other house.?