Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

Better_Days

Mojisola wrote: »

There are plenty of matriarchs in British families - women who rule the roost and make life difficult for those who dare to live their lives as they wish.

Whether this is a cultural problem or just a narcissist in action - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder - the rest of the family have to decide whether to bow to the pressure and live miserable lives or take a stand.

It is never easy to get out from a situation like this but it isn't easy to live according to their whims either.

Yes on reading this thread narcissism occurred to me too. I suspect some of the resentment that OP has towards Molly is because Molly enables the Stepmothers behaviour with 'flying monkey' behaviour - the example that the OP gives regarding her pregnancy is a good one where information is used as power and to hurt and control.

OP - In the short term it may be easier to do nothing. In the long term the build up of resentment is corrosive. Molly is invading your privacy on a number of levels. How can you relax in your own home if Molly is reporting back to stepmother who then uses the information to attempt to control you?

If Molly is anything like my 'flying monkey' sibling she is caught in a web of fear, obligation and guilt. I don't think my sister will ever extricate herself.

OP, I feel for you dreadfully. A very difficult situation. Would agreeing a strategy with your husband help? Think through as many possible scenarios and outcomes and how you will deal with them. It will be hard to put it into effect and you will need to be prepared for considerable resistance, but I can't see anyway that the current situation is healthy for you and your husband.

Have you looked into assertiveness training? You can probably find out a lot online and via books, but it may help you cope. Counselling would be another option but expensive.

I do hope you find a way through this OP.

ClareTeaches

Grumpypoo wrote: »

Thanks Dktreesea. I think you have got it right about the bitterness, the money (yes they are now abroad and modestly retired) and Molly's dilemma. We have gone on a half term holiday but when we get back we will have a discussion with her.

Hooray! Have a lovely trip and use it to recharge your batteries. I'm sure it'll also help remind you how lovely it is to live without being watched.

So pleased you're going to speak to her when you get back. Use that energy from your holiday and remember how positive it feels to have your life back, without the feeling of invasion. Also, remember, it doesn't have to be at all confrontational!

Best of luck!

dwayne_dibley

Do the right thing, which is to return the generosity that she showed you years ago. Very sad that you even need to ask this question.

Grumpypoo

dwayne_dibley wrote: »

Do the right thing, which is to return the generosity that she showed you years ago. Very sad that you even need to ask this question.

No.

I have thought over this issue long and hard since posting a few weeks ago.

There is no pressing reason for her to be here. If her house had burnt down for example I would have her here in a heartbeat. However this is an open ended arrangement for her convenience. How long will she live here? Two years to match how long I lived with her? Until our child leaves home? Until we move into an old-people’s home?

Having her here irregularly, and without warning for an indefinite period is not good for my mental health as I am a very private person. It is not good for my marriage as my husband does not want her here. It is not good for her – the commuting and instability can not be good for anyone, it may not even be best for her mother. She has paid into the system since the 80s, if she no longer has her child subsidising her she may be able to get state assistance. It is not a good situation for anybody. There is no emergency resulting in her being in a situation where she needs help. This is not a fixed time period where she temporarily needs help.

I was a child who was essentially told to stay there and she I presume was told to have me. I am grateful for her having me. Fast forward one and a half decades. She is a middle aged woman with presumably a fairly comfortable salary and I have a family. She has made a choice to live with us without any discussion with us, for her own convenience.


Living with another adult can be stressful at the best of times and small irritations build up
- She kindly buys bread to replace what she has used, it is not the brand we usually have and we like it thick cut. Nothing you can complain about, you can’t buy an extra loaf and have them go off. Freeze half and rearrange the freezer? Now multiply those small irritations daily.

- We pay a cleaner to come once a week. I leave the house at 8am daily and return at 7pm. My husband does acknowledge housework is a joint responsibility, but having not been brought up doing it, and having lived as a bachelor in a filthy bachelor pad for years, his standards are not the same as mine. I can either spend my free time cleaning or pay someone else to do it: I was on the phone with a relative the other day ‘Why do you waste so much money with a cleaner – you could give it to your parents or do you know how far that money would go in the village?’ I do not need my household and the way I do things being broadcast and being up for discussion. I will choose what information to share, not have a news outlet stationed in my home.

She needs to make decisions. She has siblings, all work and need to share the burden of looking after her parents. She needs to decide if she is going to commute between cities and find a room to rent or relocate fully. She is a middle aged woman and her decisions should not impact my family without even the courtesy of having a discussion with us.

hazyjo

Agree...

So what are you going to do about it

Jx

Grumpypoo

hazyjo wrote: »

Agree...

So what are you going to do about it

Jx

We are going to speak about it. My husband and I agree we should both be there and that the little one should be in bed. We got back from our mini break on Sunday and the only chance we had to talk, we had visitors come over. Then she has worked different shift patterns which have meant she is not home at 9-10pm for 'The Talk'. I have been feeling sick thinking about it.

GobbledyGook

Grumpypoo wrote: »

thanks for the suggestions. WS is regarded as a 'Pillar of the community' and only people who 'cross her' get to see her 'nasty side'. Most people think she is the bees knees.

Often you find when you scratch the surface that many people are well away of the faults of such a person.

My Grandmother was seen as a 'pillar of the community' and would have died of mortification if she knew the main reason people kept to her line was because they knew the amount of grief and hassle they'd bring on themselves from her vile children if they didn't.

People often simply don't want to be the first person to say something bad or go against the grain.

duchy

I think you are doing the right thing.
You are caught in the crossfire between two cultures.
Whilst the "older generation" feel they are entitled to direct your life and comment on your choices ...... they have raised you in a western environment where these conventions don't apply. The same may apply to Molly too after all although the "old ways" expect a single female to care for her elderly parents- they don't also expect her to work full time and give up her home for large chunks of the week to do so but to remain at home and " caring for them " didn't mean what is expected of Molly by the family.

Frankly her life sounds horrible - her own home isn't a sanctuary and has no privacy - and she's expected to impose herself on other people in their homes to enable her to be the cash cow too. She may be very unhappy but feel she is powerless as due to her age her "conditioning" is stronger than yours -and it's just her-she, unlike you doesn't have a husband to back her up. The cleaner comment might be entirely innocent on her part-and she just mentioned in passing you have a cleaner - and all the judgement came from the other relative.

I think I'd approach the conversation as asking her what her future plans are -as although you were happy to help her out short term obviously it is disruptive for all of you (including her ) and cannot be a permanent arrangement. She *might* even welcome the conversation as it gives her a chance to make her own decisions as the family concocted plan isn't going to continue.

Good luck with The conversation !

egoode

Good luck with the conversation. I hope it goes well for you and that you will have your house back to yourself soon.

I also think it's rude when people comment on you having a cleaner. It's your money and you should get to chose what you spend it on and it's not anyone else's business. I hate cleaning so I think what I spend each week on a cleaner is totally worth it for a clean and healthy home environment which would not be the case if it was left to me!

19lottie82

Good luck op!