Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

KxMx

I realise this may seem simplistic advice but here is how I see it:

Do nothing, continue to be unhappy in your own home and tension with your Husband (who should come perhaps top of your obligation list)

Do something and offend/upset someone.

I've been in a situation before where I either continued to be unhappy, or I did something about it knowing I was going to upset a person close to me. I chose the latter and yes I did cause some upset however that is now in the past and both parties and happy and have a much better relationship.

If you ruffled family feathers- ask yourself what is actually the worse thing that could happen- and is that something you could live with in your newly happy home life?

I don't think there are many situations where the answer is no IMO. If the answer seems no remember the alternative is carrying on endlessly how you are now- very unhappy.

Grumpypoo

dktreesea wrote: »

I've been in this situation. A younger brother in law, moving to where we lived to study. Four years later.... Four long years. And when I put my foot down at the end and said he now had a job so it was time to move out, - my then OH wasn't about to say anything, for all the reasons to do with duty and mutual obligations you are going through (his take on it was his elder brothers had supported him and now it was his turn to support his younger brother), - it caused a massive family rift. A rift that didn't heal even by the time we split up several years down the track. Hence my earlier advice not to ask her to leave.

I was in my 20s, young, dare I say stupid and wanting to be accommodating. Three decades on and I have never - and I do mean never - agreed to anyone coming for more than a couple of days.

Hindsight is a great thing, and I should have said no right from the start. My then OH could have paid for him to stay in student digs instead. Yes, a waste of money, but one that would have been worth it to me. But like I said, hindsight is a great thing. And in those days it wasn't like I had any internet buddies to give moral support (:) yaay for MSE!).

So on reflection, maybe it would be better now to let your cousin know that your uncle had given you the impression your place was her new home, and sorry but that isn't going to work out. You hadn't realised she needed a permanent arrangement. [/QUOTE]


As you have been in a similar situation how would you go about this?

Grumpypoo

KxMx wrote: »

I realise this may seem simplistic advice but here is how I see it:

Do nothing, continue to be unhappy in your own home and tension with your Husband (who should come perhaps top of your obligation list)

Do something and offend/upset someone.

I've been in a situation before where I either continued to be unhappy, or I did something about it knowing I was going to upset a person close to me. I chose the latter and yes I did cause some upset however that is now in the past and both parties and happy and have a much better relationship.

If you ruffled family feathers- ask yourself what is actually the worse thing that could happen- and is that something you could live with in your newly happy home life?

I don't think there are many situations where the answer is no IMO. If the answer seems no remember the alternative is carrying on endlessly how you are now- very unhappy.

It's just that as I said above, my stepmother can be very difficult and I suppose I am a bit afraid of what scheme she will come up with 'to get her own back ' if she feels she has been 'thwarted'.

dktreesea

Grumpypoo wrote: »

dktreesea wrote: »

I've been in this situation. A younger brother in law, moving to where we lived to study. Four years later.... Four long years. And when I put my foot down at the end and said he now had a job so it was time to move out, - my then OH wasn't about to say anything, for all the reasons to do with duty and mutual obligations you are going through (his take on it was his elder brothers had supported him and now it was his turn to support his younger brother), - it caused a massive family rift. A rift that didn't heal even by the time we split up several years down the track. Hence my earlier advice not to ask her to leave.

I was in my 20s, young, dare I say stupid and wanting to be accommodating. Three decades on and I have never - and I do mean never - agreed to anyone coming for more than a couple of days.

Hindsight is a great thing, and I should have said no right from the start. My then OH could have paid for him to stay in student digs instead. Yes, a waste of money, but one that would have been worth it to me. But like I said, hindsight is a great thing. And in those days it wasn't like I had any internet buddies to give moral support (:) yaay for MSE!).

So on reflection, maybe it would be better now to let your cousin know that your uncle had given you the impression your place was her new home, and sorry but that isn't going to work out. You hadn't realised she needed a permanent arrangement. [/QUOTE]


As you have been in a similar situation how would you go about this?

If you are renting, I suggest making plans to buy your own house. The mistake I made was putting our lives on hold. You make your plans for your own little family's life going forward, as if your cousin weren't there.

One mistake I made was trying to be the perfect hostess, accommodating my brother in law as if he were a guest in my own home. Okay, he was my guest, but looking back it would have been far better if I had just treated him like a piece of the furniture and lived my own life, stepping around him rather than involving, and getting involved, with him. I live the life of a night owl; he lived the life of the lark, up at 6am, even on the weekends. So I would get up, to get him breakfast. Like I say, it was madness. It felt worse than running a B&B, and that was with just the one guest and no children!

Watch the TV you want to watch, in your lounge. So what she sleeps there? Yes, it could feel awkward, but it's important to emphasise the transient nature of her staying with you even if you don't actually express the same to her.

If you are going somewhere, just get up and go, just like you would if you had no one staying with you. You don't have to tell her everything, nor do you have to invite her along.

moneyistooshorttomention

Am I missing something here? Wouldn't it be a possibility for OP and Molly to gang up together as to how to deal with Wicked Stepmother?

I do feel very sorry for Molly, as she cant really live in her own home by the sound of it and isn't welcome in her "temporary abode" (and probably knows it in her heart of hearts...well it would be difficult to miss, since she is having to sleep on the sofa).

My guess is that Molly is telling herself all sorts of excuses as to why she is only getting offered the sofa and just looking at it from a more "Chinese" cultural perspective.

At present we don't have any idea at all how Molly views things by the sound of it and whether she would actually be glad of some support at standing up to this Wicked Stepmother. It does sound rather as if a united front is needed to deal with this WS and it will do WS good (yes...seriously) to realise that she cant be allowed to run roughshod over other peoples lives.

duchy

Ah the all powerful Matriarch who frankly adult members of the family are afraid of ! (I realize it may sound stupid to people who've not experienced first hand how complicated this can be- that you can end up sacrificing your own, your spouse even your children's needs to appease some unreasonable old woman with unreasonable ideas of how every family member should run their lives-That mix of tradition and fear of letting down your culture, your family thinking less of you-is a powerful one.

You are a Chinese woman choosing to live in a Western culture -and you have choices. Some of the older generation are not going to approve of those those choices ....and some will admire you for making choices they would never have dared to (but they may not tell you til many years later -grrrrr). Ultimately if you want/need to break free of the type of duty that is expected of you -it will have a price. My parents did it-both cultures disapproved- My grandmother never spoke to my Mother again -and my Father's family made it clear that it was only my father's insistance that they accept their relationship that made them tolerate her in the early years (later was different - they saw what a great wife she was and how she brought out the best in my Dad and came to genuinely love her) This brought great stress to their marriage but it also brought them closer as they both felt their marriage was more important but it did cause a lot of guilt and unhappiness at times.
Only you can decide where you draw the line between adherence to your Chinese cultural values and your obligations as a wife to your husband and your married life together-(and also how much of the step mother's attitude is down to culture and how much is simply a nasty character dressed up as cultural -my aunt was like that and the rest of the family were terrified of her)
Although I am British and my parent's cultures weren't Chinese I do understand that culture clash -and I would suggest you look on line for an advice forum for Chinese women with a western or even dare I say it feminist slant. You and Molly aren't the first women to be in this situation and how other Chinese ladies dealt with the situation may be helpful and even empowering to you both...... but I do think you and Molly need to talk about how you both feel about the family's expectations of you both.

BTW is your husband also Chinese ? What are his thoughts on what you should do?

Grumpypoo

dktreesea wrote: »

Grumpypoo wrote: »

If you are renting, I suggest making plans to buy your own house. We are saving, but I am not sure how that would make any difference to this situation The mistake I made was putting our lives on hold. You make your plans for your own little family's life going forward, as if your cousin weren't there.

One mistake I made was trying to be the perfect hostess, accommodating my brother in law as if he were a guest in my own home. Okay, he was my guest, but looking back it would have been far better if I had just treated him like a piece of the furniture I have started doing this. We had a long term visitor previously and trying to be a hostess for weeks on end tired me out. and lived my own life, stepping around him rather than involving, and getting involved, with him. I live the life of a night owl; he lived the life of the lark, up at 6am, even on the weekends. So I would get up, to get him breakfast. Like I say, it was madness. It felt worse than running a B&B, and that was with just the one guest and no children!

Watch the TV you want to watch, in your lounge. So what she sleeps there? Yes, it could feel awkward, but it's important to emphasise the transient nature of her staying with you even if you don't actually express the same to her.

If you are going somewhere, just get up and go, just like you would if you had no one staying with you. You don't have to tell her everything, nor do you have to invite her along.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Grumpypoo

duchy wrote: »

BTW is your husband also Chinese ? What are his thoughts on what you should do?

My husband is from the same background but brought up totally English and has said he wants her gone but will not do anything without me being 'on side'. I have tried to explain how even if we do what we want she will find way to make our lives difficult (the stepmother).

notanewuser

Grumpypoo wrote: »

It's just that as I said above, my stepmother can be very difficult and I suppose I am a bit afraid of what scheme she will come up with 'to get her own back ' if she feels she has been 'thwarted'.

I thought it was Molly's stepmother??

Grumpypoo

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Am I missing something here? Wouldn't it be a possibility for OP and Molly to gang up together as to how to deal with Wicked Stepmother?

I do feel very sorry for Molly, as she cant really live in her own home by the sound of it and isn't welcome in her "temporary abode" (and probably knows it in her heart of hearts...well it would be difficult to miss, since she is having to sleep on the sofa).

My guess is that Molly is telling herself all sorts of excuses as to why she is only getting offered the sofa and just looking at it from a more "Chinese" cultural perspective.

At present we don't have any idea at all how Molly views things by the sound of it and whether she would actually be glad of some support at standing up to this Wicked Stepmother. It does sound rather as if a united front is needed to deal with this WS and it will do WS good (yes...seriously) to realise that she cant be allowed to run roughshod over other peoples lives.

I don’t really feel inclined to ‘gang up with Molly’ to be honest. She is completely under her stepmother’s thumb and in the past has caused me some upset because of this.





Example 1. I had suffered several miscarriages (my husband and I kept this information to our parents only). I was so anxious when I was pregnant again I saw the doctor immediately when I had my positive pregnancy test, and I must have left some prenatal prescription lying around when Molly was visiting. The next thing I know when I visited her (stepmother) she said ‘she heard I was pregnant’ I did not deny that I was because I was shocked. At six weeks pregnant, before even my parents know, my stepmother is bossing me around about what to eat, have this traditional soup, don’t wear high heels… the only way she could have found out is because Molly told her.





Example 2. My stepmother did not want us to have a western wedding, only a tea ceremony and registry office. My husband said balls to that and said he would go ahead with the tea ceremony to keep the peace and have a ‘fairy-tale’ wedding because he knew I wanted one. Anyway even then she got all offended that we did not do the tea ceremony ‘properly’. She then invited about 10 guests of her own to our wedding (that she hadn’t wanted us to have). We had the ceremony and reception at a venue about 2 minutes drive from her house because she had complained about how difficult it would be for her to travel with her ill health and she wanted to be there (this is when she saw we are going ahead of with it). Her three little granddaughters were the bridesmaids and Molly was a bridesmaid too, partly to look after the little ones. They were ten minutes late to the wedding even though their house was round the corner. The wedding was at 1pm and someone who passed through their house later told me that at 10am everyone was still in PJs. I (the bride) was waiting outside the church in the car for them to turn up and was fuming. I know it will sound crazy, but I know she told them to be late, as her form of protest, and Molly went along with it. In the church they all stood in the wrong places. Not one of them said ‘sorry we were late’ or anything. In hindsight I should have just gone ahead without them then they would have looked silly, four bridesmaids trooping in after the service had started. For a gift the stepmother gave a £50 gift voucher from the whole family including Molly. Again I know it was intended as an insult. All this was seven years ago but it still bothers me.