Relation using our home as a commuting crash pad.

barbiedoll

If stepmother is so wealthy, how come she and her husband are sponging off of Molly? Why can't they pay for their own accommodation? Why does Molly have to pay for the house (in her name?) and their bills? Family obligation is all very well but this is a ridiculous situation, she is not even a blood relation to Molly.

Can Molly not speak to her father about this? And OP, you say that stepmother always finds a way to upset you, as at your wedding. You knew then that you should have started your wedding on time and not let her ruin your day but you did nothing and let her have her own way. You, your husband and Molly all need to realise that you are enabling her to behave in this way by letting her walk all over you. The first person who actually stands up to her will give her such a shock, she won't realise what has happened to her.

This is nothing to do with "culture" and everything to do with a nasty old woman who is bitter, twisted and plain horrid.

Brighton_belle

barbiedoll wrote: »

And OP, you say that stepmother always finds a way to upset you, as at your wedding. You knew then that you should have started your wedding on time and not let her ruin your day but you did nothing and let her have her own way.

I think on their wedding day, starting on time would still have spoilt their day as the bride at least would have anxiously had one eye on the door and all the guests would have though her strange, if not nasty , for starting without her bridesmaids (as they wouldn't have known S-M agenda).

duchy

Grumpypoo wrote: »

My husband is from the same background but brought up totally English and has said he wants her gone but will not do anything without me being 'on side'. I have tried to explain how even if we do what we want she will find way to make our lives difficult (the stepmother).

Your husband understands the culture -and still wants her gone.
Is it possible he can separate the cultural from the plainly unpleasant woman who is using culture as a stick to beat you with.

Your family all know she's an evil old bag so are likely to take anything she says with a pinch of salt.......so apart from slag you off-what can she actually do that would damage you and your husband ?

Clearly you want children-Do you really want your children to grow up cowed by this woman ....or do you want better for them ? (Not to mention if you are or will be trying for a baby stress isn't going to help you conceive)

Decide what you want......If that is to tell Molly she can only stay on Monday nights in future.....or no more than two nights a week-then do it ! Your home your rules. She stayed with other people before....she can do it again.

Don't be apologetic - just very matter of a fact -talk to her together "We have decided that this arrangement really isn't working and is too stressful so we have decided that in future we'd like you to only stay on Monday nights as the place really isn't big enough for a semi permanent guest and it is affecting Grumpypoo's health and as her loving husband I need to make sure I make her wellbeing my priority. So from next week we'd appreciate you making alternative arrangements for any other nights apart from Mondays if you need to stay over.

Grumpypoo

barbiedoll wrote: »

If stepmother is so wealthy, how come she and her husband are sponging off of Molly? Why can't they pay for their own accommodation? Why does Molly have to pay for the house (in her name?) and their bills? Family obligation is all very well but this is a ridiculous situation, she is not even a blood relation to Molly.

WS is the only mother Molly has known and the father is also very henpecked. By 'Wealthy' that would be from the perspective of the old country and thirty years ago. At the time of lending the money they were in a much better financial position.

Grumpypoo

duchy wrote: »

Your family all know she's an evil old bag so are likely to take anything she says with a pinch of salt.......so apart from slag you off-what can she actually do that would damage you and your husband ?
.

thanks for the suggestions. WS is regarded as a 'Pillar of the community' and only people who 'cross her' get to see her 'nasty side'. Most people think she is the bees knees.

duchy

I do feel for you-My aunt was the same ......only family got to see how utterly evil and vile she could be and they were all terrified of her and the consequences if they upset her.
The first time I stood up to her was when she started slagging off my Mum (who was a different religion and nationality to the rest of the family) to me -and I simply told her if she was going to talk about my Mother like that I was leaving -She was gobsmacked - but she shut up and never did it again in my hearing. I didn't get angry-or upset. I was very calm -she didn't like it but she accepted I had drawn a line in a way I don't think any female family member had ever done before as usually if anyone didn't like it -it would turn into an argument -but I refused to argue and let her manipulate me. I stated my position and stuck to it. It worked -and although she didn't like it-she respected it.



Had I argued she'd have claimed I was disrespecting her elder status (although my aunt she was one of the eldest siblings and my Dad the youngest by a long gap so she was more like my grandmother in terms of age and status within the family). It's not just the Chinese- the Orthodox Jews have some very rigid ideas too

State your position calmly and rationally and refuse to be drawn into any discussion or arguments. She won't like it but she can't hurt you . Phrases like "I'm sorry but this is not up for debate-we have made our decision" You'll effectively have taken her weapon away from her.

Present your decision as a done deal -to the people directly concerned. You don't need anyone's permission for what you do in your own home - so don't ask for it as you are giving the impression others have a say-when they don't. Tell Molly what your decision is -she's the only one you have any need to discuss it with.

If other family members want to then ring you with their opinion- just take the attitude "It was a difficult decision to make but it is now made so that's the end of it" and change the subject.

Just decide if you can continue with things as they are for the next twenty years or if not what changes you need to make before the stress damages your marriage and your health.

Grumpypoo

duchy wrote: »

I do feel for you-My aunt was the same ......only family got to see how utterly evil and vile she could be and they were all terrified of her and the consequences if they upset her.
The first time I stood up to her was when she started slagging off my Mum (who was a different religion and nationality to the rest of the family) to me -and I simply told her if she was going to talk about my Mother like that I was leaving -She was gobsmacked - but she shut up and never did it again in my hearing. I didn't get angry-or upset. I was very calm -she didn't like it but she accepted I had drawn a line in a way I don't think any female family member had ever done before as usually if anyone didn't like it -it would turn into an argument -but I refused to argue and let her manipulate me. I stated my position and stuck to it. It worked -and although she didn't like it-she respected it.



Had I argued she'd have claimed I was disrespecting her elder status (although my aunt she was one of the eldest siblings and my Dad the youngest by a long gap so she was more like my grandmother in terms of age and status within the family). It's not just the Chinese- the Orthodox Jews have some very rigid ideas too

State your position calmly and rationally and refuse to be drawn into any discussion or arguments. She won't like it but she can't hurt you . Phrases like "I'm sorry but this is not up for debate-we have made our decision" You'll effectively have taken her weapon away from her.

Present your decision as a done deal -to the people directly concerned. You don't need anyone's permission for what you do in your own home - so don't ask for it as you are giving the impression others have a say-when they don't. Tell Molly what your decision is -she's the only one you have any need to discuss it with.

If other family members want to then ring you with their opinion- just take the attitude "It was a difficult decision to make but it is now made so that's the end of it" and change the subject.

Just decide if you can continue with things as they are for the next twenty years or if not what changes you need to make before the stress damages your marriage and your health.

Thanks for sharing that.

itsanne

There's no point in me advising you on getting out of this situation as you've already had any advice I could give. However, given that you're actually in it at the minute, how about trying to make it a bit easier in the meantime?

Under the circumstances, you don't have to socialise with Molly all the time she's in your house. One of the things which is getting to you is not feeling able to watch what you want on TV. Why not put a TV in your bedroom and watch it in there? If need be, move the one from the living room.

Equally, you'd like a glass of wine, but not in front of her. Unless it's a drink which needs refrigerated, there's nothing to stop you having a drink in your bedroom.

In other words, despite it not being ideal, change how or where you do the things you want to do rather than stopping them altogether and letting the frustration build up.

dktreesea

Grumpypoo wrote: »

WS is the only mother Molly has known and the father is also very henpecked. By 'Wealthy' that would be from the perspective of the old country and thirty years ago. At the time of lending the money they were in a much better financial position.

So the stepmother is bitter, about the loss of the investment, i.e. the money lent to your father for a business venture which didn't subsequently get repaid.

So she is now getting at you and making your life a misery, including inserting her spy in your household to "report back" (sorry, Molly might not appreciate my saying so, but she does present the stepmother with an opportunity to spy, since it does appear she is indeed reporting back - e.g. your pregnancy). And why you? Because she probably thinks even if your father can't/won't pay back the debt owed, you should do the right thing and pay it back. And he's probably well out of the picture, away from her malign influence; doesn't he now live in a different country?

Be careful of getting too involved with people who are bitter, particularly if some of it is being directed your way, even if you aren't the direct cause of that bitterness.

Grumpypoo wrote: »

thanks for the suggestions. WS is regarded as a 'Pillar of the community' and only people who 'cross her' get to see her 'nasty side'. Most people think she is the bees knees.

Ah! Not only is the step mother bitter at your immediate family, and therefore you, (keep in mind their own financial fortunes have declined in the interim), but she is also a master of the "Queen Bee martyr" act.

I can understand Molly not wanting to go against her. After all, she wants her inheritance, such that it is. And her stepmother is disabled, but Molly is on her own guilt trip. She should be there, helping her dad look after the stepmother. Instead, she's AWOL.

But, imho, you need to take a longer term perspective. Step back a bit. Try to see things in terms of your life unfolding into the future. You want children? Well, stress is the best "morning after" pill there is. And living with someone you are not particularly close to is certainly not going to help.

I suggested buying a house and moving because it would create a natural break in the rhythm of things, where you could tell Molly that you feel now, i.e. when you move, would be a good time for you to end the current arrangements.

But on reflection, I don't see why you should wait. At some point, if you get rid of the extraneous influences - dare I say malign, when it comes to Molly's step mother - in your life and concentrate on what you want, assuming in a less stressful version of your life you would be successful having children, then eventually you will become the head of your own family.

Once families get started, they do grow pretty quickly. I have cousins not much older than me who already have great grandchildren.

Grumpypoo

Thanks Dktreesea. I think you have got it right about the bitterness, the money (yes they are now abroad and modestly retired) and Molly's dilemma. We have gone on a half term holiday but when we get back we will have a discussion with her.