12yr old & social media help

balletshoes

mutley74 wrote: »

I was wound up all day at work about this issue, thinking why did I even bother confronting him about this last night.
If he was your kid would you give his phone back in the morning, considering how much he swore at the same time?

if he hasn't repeated the performance, yes I would give him his phone back in the morning, if thats what you told him you would do. Don't give him mixed messages - if you say you're going to do something, good or bad, follow through with it.

starfish1975

I have a 12 year old daughter... I gave her my old blackberry mobile when she started secondary school. She had it 2 weeks before I took it off her and gave her a basic mobile for phoning and texting. The carry on she was getting up to on the bbm messaging services... Trying to be cool and fit in with her new school friends. I assumed that when she was in bed for 9.30pm she would not be on the phone.. But when I checked it she was messaging well after that. Now the mobile is left down stairs when she goes to bed.

I also do not allow her to have Facebook... I tell her that when she is at a stage when she does not have to lie about her date of birth she can have one. A few of her friends have sent me friend requests and I have accepted them.. And to be honest I am shocked to see the things they post.. And the early hours of the morning they be active on it.

I do admit I am very strict on my daughter... Fingers crossed it does not back fire.. Parenting is hard.. Especially today with the exposure to social media etc..

Amanda65

mutley74 wrote: »

thanks everyone for the help. Driving home earlier today I was just thinking I will let him have his own way, it maybe the only way to get peace and just don't

And therein lies part of the problem - inconsistency:o

Having made and agreed rules, every time you go back on what you said you were going to do and give in because it's hard work you are telling your son that having a tantrum means he get's his own way. Stick to your guns ! As I said before the next few years will see you have to negotiate all sorts of situations - alcohol, staying out late, girlfriends sleeping over - and if your son knows that if he kicks up a stink you will cave your wishes will never be taken into consideration.

Also have you considered that your son may also be getting fed up with this girl constantly phoning / texting but not know how to get out of it without losing face . To be able to say "my Dad is so boring and mean won't let me use the mobile / tablet after 9" could be just the get out clause he secretly wants;)

thorsoak

mutley74 wrote: »

I was wound up all day at work about this issue, thinking why did I even bother confronting him about this last night.
If he was your kid would you give his phone back in the morning, considering how much he swore at the same time?

I will ask this question only one more time DO YOU WANT TO BE HIS PARENT OR HIS FRIEND? If you want an easy life now, with no arguments - then let him have his own way and be his pal. If you want to bring your child up to be a caring member of society, who pulls his weight and can live in the real world then you have to be a parent.

And no, he certainly would not get his phone back in the morning if he was swearing at me! Do you think that allowing him to swear at you teaches him life skills?

Sadly, it is hard work bringing up children - to make it easier you have to be consistent - not just for one day - but for every day!

As I said before - grow a backbone - unless you really want him to bully you - because that is what he is doing.

GobbledyGook

Bear in mind as well. He will enjoy going back to things like playing the guitar and other things.

Plus you've given him the opportunity. Peer pressure is MASSIVE. However he can now just say 'I'm not allowed *grumble about mother*' and then get on with other things.

You've done the right thing, both from the social media pov and for him. Tiredness is torture and children just don't recognise it a lot of the time.

Carmina-Piranha_2

I struggled with my eldest at that age, and I joined a parenting course which was running at the place I volunteer at. It was for younger children, but Parentline might have advice for dealing with teens. Anyway, I also had a young child so the parenting course was good, but one thing that came out of it was the advice (from a health visitor, not an actual part of the course).

She said don't make the punishment last longer than 24 hours. Give them the chance for redemption that they can see, otherwise they might think there's no point being good because I'm ALWAYS on a phone ban anyway and the parents just make up rules as they go along.

My husband didn't agree with this - he preferred a ban of a week, so my son would really feel the loss of his PC, etc. and think twice next time before behaving badly. But the 24 hour thing really works! I don't know if that's due to my son being quite 'young' for his age but he now feels that the power is in his hands as he know what the punishment would be, and it is consistently applied rather than changing according to how stressed I feel at the time.

Caroline_a

Being a firm parent, and sticking to your guns is hard. And it gets harder, the older they get, so if you don't set out your stall now it will be a lot more difficult in a couple of years time.

Stick with it, it's so much easier to give in, but that will only disadvantage your child in the long term. He'll be tired at school, not able to do his best and he will also learn that rules can always be broken.

z.n

Router stops internet on mobile devices in our house at 9pm weekdays, 10pm weekends. Gaming pc downstairs. Old fashioned non-smart phones on old fashioned payg (ie per min or per text.) Eldest DS (16) has FB but avoids it in favour of skype while gaming. Youngest DD (13) not interested in FB or similar as yet. They both have ipod touches but (as above) limited internet. We know DS downloads stuff off bbc iplayer to watch in bed and allow him this secret rebellion so long as he gets enough sleep (DD rats him out regularly!). I last confiscated the ipod for a day about a year ago- he seems pretty good at self-regulating now.

I think imposing these rules was a relief to DS when he was younger and a select group of peers seemed to be texting/emailling and FBing until the early hours. DS actually enjoys a good sleep so he was looking for ways of getting out of an increasingly demanding loop. For a while we were oblivious it was happening so DS was quite stressed and feeling the need to reply to everything. It was all time-wasting rubbish anyway-just a means of creating peer group angst. We have not needed to change the rules since. DS now takes the view that he is too busy for FB etc and the 'problem' such as it is has shifted to online gaming. I am not above changing his password while he is at school after a particularly fraught evening (only once but it was enough.) The balancing thing is that I spent a few hours recently working out why his machine was slow and getting him a better ping rate.

DS is now older so will stay online until about 10-10.30 on a non-school day if he can get away with it. Bedtimes are more strictly adhered to on school nights. If he is tricky about stopping I whisper increasingly loudly so his friends eventually hear me over the skype headset. Best decision we ever made was to have a non-portable desktop downstairs because I only have to worry about the one item and once he is on his way to bed I know he is offline. Easy peasy (I know, famous last words). I have strongly dissuaded him from the pc during exam season/when he is very tired which has not gone down too well at the time but afterwards he can see the benefit of it. Note that we are now at the stage of agreement and persuasion- instruction from on high no longer works or seems appropriate at his age.

It is perfectly acceptable to take away internet/gaming/time limit at any time if you feel it warranted. The kids accept this happens to others and thus tolerate it if it happens to them. eg 'Got to go I have to tidy my room' or 'I am banned for four days until I've done that history essay.' Or for one lucky boy 'My parents are fixing my pc after GCSEs are over.' The friendship group should still be there and welcoming when the child returns online if they are real life friends. If a child is mixing with kids where there is no discipline (ie you are not getting the unofficial support of the other parents imposing similar sanctions now and again) and feels the need to be 'always on' then you need to be extra vigilant I think as that style of demanding friendship does not mix well with good schoolwork and a decent night's sleep.

BigAunty

Is there any software/gadgets that place timers to activate/deactivate internet access?

Obviously, it won't cover downloads/texts by the phone provider but will deal with some access issues.

Your son needs to yield to you, not the other way round and it's a shame that he's tried to intimidate you and frustrate you because he's so addicted to his electronic fixes that he's desperate to maintain the status quo in his favour by any means.

In the pre-internet era, my brother had an electronic guitar and amp and ignored strict boundaries about the volume and practice times. My dad smashed it up in front of him after continual flouting and cheek...

BigAunty

My friend visited with her xbox gaming 9 year old son and despite the activities I planned with him in mind, he was sullen and rude because even though he accepted our invitation and loved the last meet-up, he wanted to continue playing with his friends instead of coming to lunch with us.

She later told me she confiscated his xbox for a period of time for his poor behaviour towards us (though to be honest, I think she should have addressed it more directly with him then as he sulked and shrugged his way through the visit).

Next time he visited, he was back to his usual communicative self. He obviously learned a lesson.