12yr old & social media help

mutley74

Thanks for the replies.
To people who don't know me I am strict parent obviously not enough but I don't want to with "guns blazing approach" at my son. I have taken more drastic steps and rules with such as no video calls with other kids unless I have met them before. no calls & tablet after 9pm ( he already broke that rule now!)
punishment I confiscate his tablet for 24hrs....does it again its 2 days
I am sure I could do more but a few steps now them I will write them out for him so he has no excuse "yet never told me"

My son not alone from 6am to 6pm when im at work, I house share with a relative for the time being (saving for a house)
BTW not all single parents are female:eek:

rachiibell

mutley74 wrote: »

I am sure I could do more but a few steps now them I will write them out for him so he has no excuse "you never told me"

Good idea about writing the rules down. I remember it from the opposite point of view of being upset as a child by getting told off for stuff I'd never been told not to do!

I wouldn't think of extra rules just for the sake of it. Pick what things matter most to you and set out a punishment for breaking these rules. Eg tablet is switched off at 10pm if I find you using it after that then I'll confiscate it for 24 hours.

Also remember to reward good behaviour. You get far further working alongside children than against them. So maybe if he's stuck to previous example of turning his tablet off at 10pm each night he can have as much access as he wants over the weekend (friday and saturday night) where it won't affect school.

mutley74

Thanks for your replies earlier. Things did get better for a few weeks but only just. Last 2 weeks getting really bad.

I printed off some "house rules" and stick them around the place, which included stuff such as "School nights, all phones & tablets off at 8pm and downstairs; weekends 9pm; "good behavior gets rewards"; pocket money deductions for detentions etc

Most times he kept to the 8pmish rule although he kept testing me handing it back closer to 830. Every time I switch off the router he would rush down and switch it on & so on. If got my way he would be really irritable and shout. Got to admit I lost my temper and shouter back at home a few times.
One night last week I grabbed his tablet & phone from his hands after 9pm, as he kept saying excuse "dad people are calling me its not my fault!". He went totally mental, my mum was around and he started shouting at her to get them back for him!!!
yesterday was the short straw. He refused to help put any clothes away, was not interested in the match. After 8pm I heard him on the phone. Thought I would let him be for a few mins. Then at 845pm he hides in the ensuite speaking on the phone & very secretive, telling me his friend (this time wasting girl) needs art homework help! yeah right. 20mins later he is locked in the main bathroom still talking to her on the phone. I made an issue to open the door, which he refused.when he came down I had a right go at him, he swore back at me, and I lost it. Told him he cant speak to people when locked in the bathroom, that is out of order. he does not get it, as he thinks this girl from his class is his "best" friend the text and phone almost hourly to each other. I read some of the texts when he was in the shower, and they are full of swearing such as "stop b***hing about" "im not your ******" "f*** you XXX XXX" etc for past few weeks...that sort of rubbish.

lost what to do as my son. help please. If I take his phone of him he already said he will get revenge on me!

thorsoak

mutley74 wrote: »

Thanks for quick replies!!
I did tell him yesterday phone & tablet to be off and left downstairs. So what does he do today...on the phone with the same girl at 9.10pm...then I tell him off. 10 mins later he is chatting to her whilst doing his teeth..hmm. His excuse she needs help with geography homework.
a friend with 3 kids tells me to be stricter too. I am trying to be but im a single parent working full time out of the house at 6am back 6pm each day, then odd evening im the gym. If I tell him off he just rebels and starts getting really cheeky with me. Thus lost and decided to ask my nice MSE pals for some wisdom

This nice MSE pal is telling you that you need to be far more strict and consistent with him. TAKE the tablet from him at 9pm, turn off the router - and restrict his phone use. You are his mum - not his friend - and he has to be aware of this. Your house, your rules.

mutley74

thorsoak wrote: »

This nice MSE pal is telling you that you need to be far more strict and consistent with him. TAKE the tablet from him at 9pm, turn off the router - and restrict his phone use. You are his mum - not his friend - and he has to be aware of this. Your house, your rules.

okay I did try that but what do you do when he rebels back - shouts & swears and tries hiding my stuff as revenge?

thorsoak

mutley74 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies earlier. Things did get better for a few weeks but only just. Last 2 weeks getting really bad.

I printed off some "house rules" and stick them around the place, which included stuff such as "School nights, all phones & tablets off at 8pm and downstairs; weekends 9pm; "good behavior gets rewards"; pocket money deductions for detentions etc

Most times he kept to the 8pmish rule although he kept testing me handing it back closer to 830. Every time I switch off the router he would rush down and switch it on & so on. If got my way he would be really irritable and shout. Got to admit I lost my temper and shouter back at home a few times.
One night last week I grabbed his tablet & phone from his hands after 9pm, as he kept saying excuse "dad people are calling me its not my fault!". He went totally mental, my mum was around and he started shouting at her to get them back for him!!!
yesterday was the short straw. He refused to help put any clothes away, was not interested in the match. After 8pm I heard him on the phone. Thought I would let him be for a few mins. Then at 845pm he hides in the ensuite speaking on the phone & very secretive, telling me his friend (this time wasting girl) needs art homework help! yeah right. 20mins later he is locked in the main bathroom still talking to her on the phone. I made an issue to open the door, which he refused.when he came down I had a right go at him, he swore back at me, and I lost it. Told him he cant speak to people when locked in the bathroom, that is out of order. he does not get it, as he thinks this girl from his class is his "best" friend the text and phone almost hourly to each other. I read some of the texts when he was in the shower, and they are full of swearing such as "stop b***hing about" "im not your ******" "f*** you XXX XXX" etc for past few weeks...that sort of rubbish.

lost what to do as my son. help please. If I take his phone of him he already said he will get revenge on me!

Oh for heaven's sake - you pushed this child out of your body - YOU are in charge. You are the parent - its time you grew a backbone and turned into the parent. So he's threatening revenge - if you allow him to act like this you are rearing a thug. Threaten him that any attempts at revenge, or if he attempts to get his phone/his tablet back then there will be consequences - no phone, no tablet. And notify the school that he will have to do all his homework at school as he will have no access to any electronic device at home.

thorsoak

mutley74 wrote: »

okay I did try that but what do you do when he rebels back - shouts & swears and tries hiding my stuff as revenge?

You limit his access to your property - a lock on a door - shouting and swearing can be ignored. He is having the tantrums of a 3 year old - so you treat them the same way. You ignore them. Everytime he tries to hide something of yours, his privileges are restricted. He has to earn them.

There is help out there - but the most important thing is that he realises that he doesn't call the tune - that you do!

balletshoes

thorsoak wrote: »

Oh for heaven's sake - you pushed this child out of your body - YOU are in charge. You are the parent - its time you grew a backbone and turned into the parent. So he's threatening revenge - if you allow him to act like this you are rearing a thug. Threaten him that any attempts at revenge, or if he attempts to get his phone/his tablet back then there will be consequences - no phone, no tablet. And notify the school that he will have to do all his homework at school as he will have no access to any electronic device at home.

I'd take his phone and tablet off him, as he knows the rules, and I'd go hide them in the car and lock them in there (or take them elsewhere completely and get a friend of yours/relative to keep them for you). If he's going down the "I'll take revenge" route, what exactly is he going to do? He needs to know, by your actions, not by your words or by the house rules stuck up in the house, that you mean business. His phone and tablet are a privilege, they are not a necessity (no matter what high school kids think - I've got one) and he needs to use them responsibly, or lose the privilege.

When you put up the house rules, did you discuss them fully with your son first, and did he agree to them all?

mutley74

balletshoes wrote: »

When you put up the house rules, did you discuss them fully with your son first, and did he agree to them all?

yes he said he was happy to abide by them! but obviously pushes his luck much further.

macymoo

My daughter is 12 (yr7) she is allowed on her tablet/phone between 8am and 8pm, she has snap chat & Instagram but no Facebook. I monitor her itemised bill online and if there is any activity outside of the designated times I change the wifi password for a week!
In computing or ICT in school he should be aware of esafety but you need to be too, your local adult ed centre may run classes?
I'm a great fan of "password of the day" in our house , keeps them on their toes!