My Ex hubby & father to my child won't give me his new address

duchy

merlin1 wrote: »

While together would (for example) a parent have any issues with the other parent taking the child away for the weekend, maybe to visit family, or go pony trekking or a football weekend? probably not is my guess. It is such a shame that these things become an issue when the adults split.

.

I'd have an issue with the other parent taking our child away and refusing to tell me where they were going. There is no good reason for a parent to do that if they are together or not.

If Dad says - we;re going to Birmingham for a football weekend -Acceptable -and I'd probably ask where they were staying out of interest but it wouldn't be a given. If he said "I don't know the club has arranged the hotel" That'd be fine unless club was known to book unsuitable or horrible hotels.

If Dad says "I'm taking Sprog away for the weekend and I'm not telling you where" My reaction would be -the same married, separated or divorced. "Jog on"

Parenting is about mutual trust -but it's also about common sense.

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

If Dad says "I'm taking Sprog away for the weekend and I'm not telling you where" My reaction would be -the same married, separated or divorced. "Jog on"

So, knowing that you feel like that, your ex always provides you with an address.

What do you do with that information - phone up the hotel and and try to get them to tell you whether he is really booked in there; drive round to the house address he's given to see if he's really staying with friends there?

POPPYOSCAR

In an ideal world it would be nice but what would a court think if you stopped access because of this?

I agree with those that say do not punish your child if your ex is difficult, rise above it, be the better person.

Your child will thank you for it when they are older.

POPPYOSCAR

Mojisola wrote: »

So, knowing that you feel like that, your ex always provides you with an address.

What do you do with that information - phone up the hotel and and try to get them to tell you whether he is really booked in there; drive round to the house address he's given to see if he's really staying with friends there?

This reminds me of someone I know.

He took the children to stay with some friends overnight as there was a party and it was quite a distance away.

The children were under strict instructions to ring their mother as soon as they got back from being picked up from her, every time.So they rang her and told her they were away. She went ballistic and insisted she was given the address. The host of the party went on the phone and gave her a completely fictitious address.

She was not told the children were being taken there because had she been she would not of let them go.

duchy

Mojisola wrote: »

So, knowing that you feel like that, your ex always provides you with an address.

What do you do with that information - phone up the hotel and and try to get them to tell you whether he is really booked in there; drive round to the house address he's given to see if he's really staying with friends there?

You really don't get it do you.
I said whether I was married, seperated or divorced .
It makes no difference it is a courtesy to let the other parent know (and it works both ways too) so they aren't worried- whether that is a rational or irrational worry doesn't come into it.

Here's an example- Parent (doesn't matter if you are a couple or not anymore) has taken child away for the weekend and has refused to say where they are going (which is weird to start with- would you allow child to go on a school trip without knowing where it was even if you trusted the teachers?) Sunday night fog comes down and there is a multiple car pile up on the motorway to the south of your city. Had you known other parent was taking the child somewhere north of the city for the weekend and they were late back you'd just think "They are late" if you have no idea odds are you'd be a lot more worried as most parents would have concerns that they *could* be involved in the pile up.

I don't know why you'd find the need to call a hotel and check up on anybody -but you no doubt have your reasons....personally I'd think you probably had other issues to behave so inappropriately and needed treatment....or there were other legitimate causes for your concerns if I thought you were a sane and reasonable person and ringing hotels and visiting them were the way you wanted to spend your weekend- but hey -I'm sure you can justify it if approached.

(Personally I wouldn't need to as my ex usually asked me to find them a hotel as he knows as I used to work in the industry I'm better at finding nice places at really good prices .....sorry to disappoint you )

It's very simple .....it makes no difference if it is a parent, a grandparent, an aunt , a teacher -if you tell the parent who is the primary carer that you want to take a child away and refuse to say where you are going you are either playing mind games or are up to something. Most people keep their kids away from people like that. A mother shouldn't need to question if a father is responsible or not ......but it is also a parental responsibility to ensure you don't give the other parent cause for concern too. Parents are , after all, supposed to be adults.

duchy

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

This reminds me of someone I know.

He took the children to stay with some friends overnight as there was a party and it was quite a distance away.

The children were under strict instructions to ring their mother as soon as they got back from being picked up from her, every time.So they rang her and told her they were away. She went ballistic and insisted she was given the address. The host of the party went on the phone and gave her a completely fictitious address.

She was not told the children were being taken there because had she been she would not of let them go.

Lovely story
No trust between parents
Father thinks it's a good story to tell against the mother of his kids
Kids are taught it's OK to lie to a parent

Gosh I wonder why the mother didn't want them to go there to mix with people who'd encourage a rift between parent and child.

And if the mother discovered she'd being lied to later on......how would that promote trust in the Father next time he wanted to take them away........ Stupid, stupid, stupid.

People are banging on about a Mother's rights and Father's ....what about the poor kids stuck in the middle of this nonsense.

POPPYOSCAR

duchy wrote: »

Lovely story
No trust between parents
Father thinks it's a good story to tell against the mother of his kids
Kids are taught it's OK to lie to a parent

Gosh I wonder why the mother didn't want them to go there to mix with people who'd encourage a rift between parent and child.

And if the mother discovered she'd being lied to later on......how would that promote trust in the Father next time he wanted to take them away........ Stupid, stupid, stupid.

People are banging on about a Mother's rights and Father's ....what about the poor kids stuck in the middle of this nonsense.

The children were not taught to lie by their father. They told their mother they were away they had no idea the address was not the right one.

If the mother did not try to control every move of the children then she would have been told. The people who gave her the wrong address was because they knew what she was like and did not want any come back from her.

"Poor kids stuck in the middle of this nonsense" agreed but only because of the mother in this particular case.

On another occasion he asked if they had suitable clothes to wear to go to a family wedding. She said yes and agreed that they would be wearing them when he picked them up on the day.

However, they were wearing jeans and trainers with holes in and he had to take them on the way to the wedding to buy new clothes for them. He never made that mistake again.

Some parents only want to exercise their control and care more about this than the effect on the children.

KxMx

supersaver2 wrote: »

Never noticed that sig, can't imagine it would be very popular if it was a man strangling a person as they were upset!

This forum is full of double standards unfortunately and the women with axes to grind shine through on many threads.

As do men who think all fathers are perfect unfortunately.

:rotfl:

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

You really don't get it do you.
I said whether I was married, seperated or divorced .
It makes no difference it is a courtesy to let the other parent know (and it works both ways too) so they aren't worried- whether that is a rational or irrational worry doesn't come into it.

I do get it but courtesy is not the same as what's required by law. A separated parent does not have to tell the PWC all the places they are taking the children when the children are in their care any more than the PWC has to keep notifying the other parent about their whereabouts.

Although the ideal arrangement is for both parents to behave like sensible adults and put the children first, this often doesn't happen.

If the separated parent knew that the PWC would get antsy if an address wasn't given, he/she could give any address - unless the PWC is going to take steps to check up whether this is where the children, it gives him/her an entirely false sense of security.

As you like the what-ifs - what if the separated parent had told you they were going south of the city and there was a pile-up, you could be worried for hours when really the children were safe somewhere to the north.

FBaby

My ex and I certainly have not seen eye to eye since we separated 10 years ago and contact has been strict minimum ever since the children have been able to convey relevant information themselves.

However, one thing that has never ever been in question between us is respect relating to sharing information about the safety of our children. When he took them away for the first time (and I was anxious despite not saying so), the first thing he did when they got to their destination was to text me to tell me they had arrived and all was well. When my DS was referred urgently to hospital, he was the first person I contacted.

Ultimately, whatever we think of each other, we are still both parents to our children and I couldn't feel good about myself as a parent if I knew my ex was anxious about them. There is a limit to how much we can consider we owe our ex nothing.