Thanking someone for a gift

SallyPepper

I am a long term member, but I have registered under a different name as I am a little embarrassed about this.
It is my niece's birthday coming soon.
She always (via my brother) asked for money for her birthday and Christmas.
However, I have been struggling financially for sometime, so I have instead bought a gift instead as I feel that when she has asked for money I have felt pressured into giving more than I wanted.
However, what is irritating me is that she never telephones me to thank me.
She is 17 now and has never telephoned.
Granted, when she was younger, she thought that the Christmas presents were from Santa so I would expect that.
But would you feel irritated that she never has thanked you.
My own three children have always made a point of telephoning and thanking my brother for the present, and I am getting a little irritated by this.
I am getting to the stage where I think I may have to say something. But I don't know what to say without falling out.
I am not prepared to buy nothing.
I don't know whether I am just being silly about this.

Mojisola

SallyPepper wrote: »

I am a long term member, but I have registered under a different name as I am a little embarrassed about this.
It is my niece's birthday coming soon.
She always (via my brother) asked for money for her birthday and Christmas.
However, I have been struggling financially for sometime, so I have instead bought a gift instead as I feel that when she has asked for money I have felt pressured into giving more than I wanted.
However, what is irritating me is that she never telephones me to thank me.
She is 17 now and has never telephoned.
Granted, when she was younger, she thought that the Christmas presents were from Santa so I would expect that.
But would you feel irritated that she never has thanked you.
My own three children have always made a point of telephoning and thanking my brother for the present, and I am getting a little irritated by this.
I am getting to the stage where I think I may have to say something. But I don't know what to say without falling out.
I am not prepared to buy nothing.
I don't know whether I am just being silly about this.

Yes, I would be irritated. I doubt she would still be getting presents if this was my niece.

She didn't think Santa was bringing her birthday presents, did she?

As she's now 17, you've got an easy way out - in our family, presents to "children" stop when they reach 18 - you could tell her that you'll be doing the same.

angelil

I don't think you are being silly at all. I am 28 (so hardly hailing from the dark ages ) and my sister and I were always taught to thank others for gifts, so do believe it is important.

However, I also understand your desire not to rock the boat in terms of family relationships.

As this is a more 'distant' family relationship (by the sounds of things) you could do what some people in my family have done and stop the gifts anyway at 18. I only have one aunt who still sends me birthday/Christmas gifts - we are very close, though, and the relationship is totally different to the ones I have with other relatives. I therefore think that given your niece's attitude and the nature of the relationship between you, you could reasonably agree with her parents that there will be no more gifts after she is 18 (obviously understanding that the same will be true of them no longer giving gifts to your children after the same age, if you have any).

SallyPepper

I did think of the "stop at 18 thing" but he keeps buying for mine and mine are older.
TBH I would prefer no more gifts thing and I wish I had thought of it before now.
I think what is stopping me is that I am the only one on his side of the family and his wife had a load of relatives and I think it would make him feel like no one cared about his daughter.

Mojisola

SallyPepper wrote: »

I did think of the "stop at 18 thing" but he keeps buying for mine and mine are older.

TBH I would prefer no more gifts thing and I wish I had thought of it before now.

You could suggest that he stops buying for yours as well.

I think what is stopping me is that I am the only one on his side of the family and his wife had a load of relatives and I think it would make him feel like no one cared about his daughter.

Then tell ask him whether his daughter likes what you send as she's never said thank you for any of the presents. That shows you've cared enough to keep sending gifts even though she isn't polite enough to thank you.

Georgiegirl256

SallyPepper wrote: »

But would you feel irritated that she never has thanked you.

Yes. It is the height of bad manners. I'd be tempted to say something like "Did niece like her gift?" and then if your brother says that yes she did, I'd be like "Well it would be nice if she would let me know" Or something of that effect.

Gifts stop in our family at 18 too apart from milestone birthdays. Although for some reason everybody kept on buying hubby's brothers girls until very recently and they're heading towards mid twenties....until one day my MIL had enough and got annoyed at the lack of respect they seemed to display. In that they were an age that they were earning good money, (a lot more than I was on at the time), yet never seemed to appreciate things and never bought anyone a gift, not even their own grandma.

InsideInsurance

SallyPepper wrote: »

Granted, when she was younger, she thought that the Christmas presents were from Santa so I would expect that.

Really? I know when I was a kid the presents from my parents came from Santa but presents from other friends/ relatives came from them. As others have said, even if it was it doesnt explain birthdays.


Who are you actually annoyed with? Really if they have NEVER done it then its your brother's fault not the kids for not teaching them to say thanks when people give them something. OK, arguably at some point they should be thinking about these things themselves but its much harder to start doing things you've never been told is the norm than maintain standards that you've been told is the norm

Primrose

You could always drop her a note and say you won't be sending money any more as it's obviously always gone missing in the post or you know she would have written to thank you for it !!!!
Then say instead you'll be doing a small gift until 18 when you'll be following the family tradition to cease gifts for adults. If she doesn't pick up the hint there about her bad manners and write and thank you for the gift, don't bother next year.

hazyjo

Glad I'm not the only one. Didn't get a thank you from my 14 year old nieces or my 18 year old nephew last Christmas - had to ask my mum if they got the cheques (could've checked statement but wanted to make a point!). I spend 'only' around £25 each these days, but that adds up to £75!!!! Trouble is, they're so bloody spoilt, £25 is a drop in the ocean to each of them. Not to me it ain't, especially paying it three times!!!!

And when I ask my sis what they want for birthdays/Christmas, if I buy something rather than give the money, it's usually quite pricey like a pair of Vans or a PS game, dance shoes or something. I got £20 for my present this year from all of them (I know it's not about getting back what you give, but sometimes things do seem very unbalanced!).

Also never (very rarely) get a thank you from friends' kids (or even my friends) when I have to buy for the kids every year. It wears me down. I try to spend around a tenner on each, or thereabouts, but rarely get a thanks. It's just very hard to break that habit! In fact, the first couple of years everyone said 'let's just buy for the kids', they seem to forget I don't have any so I got naff all while I forked out for five (now six) kids. They have started buying me something again now, although they've also started buying for each other again too so I feel apologetic each time for only having bought for the kids.

I have stopped buying friends' kids birthday presents now at least but even not doing that makes me feel guilty and a bit left out when they're all swapping presents, etc!

I LOVE buying presents as well - don't really want to stop. But it does pee me off!!! OP, I feel your pain!!!

I think I may say this year that I'm going to buy for my friends again and not their kids as it gets harder each year to choose and I'm sure the kids get more than enough... very tough to say it though!

Jx

AlwaysAllie

A pet peeve of mine that presents aren't even acknowledged. It's even easier these days as a text or email, whilst not as good as a hand written note, is at least free!!

AA

Mojisola

hazyjo wrote: »

I think I may say this year that I'm going to buy for my friends again and not their kids as it gets harder each year to choose and I'm sure the kids get more than enough... very tough to say it though!

Have you tried a "family present" like biscuits or chocolates?