Thanking someone for a gift

Idiophreak

People make such a big deal out of this....I know loads of people who've fallen out, stopped talking etc because of it...and it seems so easy to sort out...You call your brother and you say "I'd quite like it if X sent me a little card to say thanks when I give her a gift..." and that's that. You've set your expectation, if it doesn't happen, then nobody can blame you if you stop giving gifts.

Personally, I wasn't raised in a culture of sending thank you notes etc - when I saw the person, I'd say thank you...but that's about it. My wife, on the other hand, always sends a note straight away.

If someone told me that they liked being thanked, however, I'd make sure I did it...You may think I shouldn't have to be told, but that's projecting your own values on to me, which isn't entirely fair.

skattykatty

Money is tight I wonder if this is a factor in your irritation - or has it always irritated you and now feels unbearable? If you don't have a relationship with your niece beyond this, why have you felt obliged somehow to spend beyond your means?

If you choose to stop buying presents beyond the age of 18, which sound reasonable, there is no reason why you have to continue buying presents if you don't want to. Tell your brother/niece that that is what you are going to do. If your brother chooses to continue sending your children gifts, that's his choice.

If you are unhappy with how your niece has taken your gifts for granted then speak to her. If it is difficult for you to speak openly and directly to these family members then you are going to have to find a way to accept what has happened and move on from it.

hazyjo

Mojisola wrote: »

Have you tried a "family present" like biscuits or chocolates?

Great idea - will have a think about other 'family' options. Difficult as different ages (and one's a baby), but may go for that or an alternative!

Jx

SallyPepper

Many thanks for these replies.
I have spent more than I wanted for a couple of reasons.
One of these is that my parents are no longer here. They made a big fuss of my children and went overboard at Christmas. Despite telling them repeatedly not to.
My parents weren't alive when he had her.
I am older than he is, so I have spent far more on her than I have wanted to, in order to make up for our parents not being around for his daughter. Stupid really. I spend far more on her than he does for mine.
So he knows that when he asks for money from me that I will stump up quite a lot.
I also know that if I say anything to criticise her we will fall out. Which I don't want to do. He thinks she can do no wrong.
I think I may have to put up and shut up as I can't think of a way out of it now.
Like others have said, its hard to go back.
I think SkattyCathy has more or less summed it up. I was a little irritated at first, and now its unbearable. My own fault of course.

Kayalana99

Idiophreak wrote: »

People make such a big deal out of this....I know loads of people who've fallen out, stopped talking etc because of it...and it seems so easy to sort out...You call your brother and you say "I'd quite like it if X sent me a little card to say thanks when I give her a gift..." and that's that. You've set your expectation, if it doesn't happen, then nobody can blame you if you stop giving gifts.

Personally, I wasn't raised in a culture of sending thank you notes etc - when I saw the person, I'd say thank you...but that's about it. My wife, on the other hand, always sends a note straight away.

If someone told me that they liked being thanked, however, I'd make sure I did it...You may think I shouldn't have to be told, but that's projecting your own values on to me, which isn't entirely fair.

I do totally agree with this... I don't make a habit of going out of my way to thank people but I havn't really ever thought about it..that said I do thank them in person when I next see them.

So to be fair my Grandad never gets a thank you... but I suppose he only gets us a card with money in it as a family commitment as he won't spend any time with us which I'd prefer!!!

Counter

InsideInsurance wrote: »

Really? I know when I was a kid the presents from my parents came from Santa but presents from other friends/ relatives came from them.

You shouldn't be surprised that your experience was different. It seems that everyone I speak to had a slightly different Santa "myth", to the extent that if kids were to compare notes in the playground they would notice some large inconsistencies! None of my presents were from Santa, he just delivered the presents that others had bought.

skattykatty

Oh SallyPepper, you are too hard on yourself! You did what you felt was the right thing to do-it sounds like you took on a lot out of a sense of duty. These situations arise out of more complex emotional reactions than we may realise. You sound well aware of what it's all been about, so now you can decide to change how things will be. Good luck.

(I am also from a culture where people don't really DO cards and stuff thanking people. We do say thank you and move on quickly, it's almost embarrassing to dwell on it!!)

mustmakealist

If you want to continue to buy presents because you enjoy choosing an appropriate gift for someone then you should, of course, continue to do so.


What is difficult is the acknowledgement of the gift. You can't really change how someone reacts or make them do what you would like. In this case, you would like them to say thank-you without having to be prompted to do so, but I don't think that will happen. You now have a choice. You can either continue with the gift knowing that if you want to find out if they have received it or appreciated it you will have to ask OR you don't give a gift at all and they will have to ask you if you've sent one (that might be interesting!) OR you tell them you're not sending anything.


It's up to you to decide how you are going to react to the situation as that's the only bit that you can control.


I hope you find a solution that you are happy with

Counting_Pennies_2

It is the height of bad manners.


I would suggest texting her (if she has a mobile) and wishing her a happy birthday and hope the gift has arrived. Giving her the opportunity to text back.


If she doesn't do that, then I would stop altogether. This being the bare minimum I would expect.


My children always write thank you cards and when relatives call on their birthday they thank them on the phone as well.


Do you call and wish her happy birthday? Does she not thank you then?

jaylee3

Yes it would nark me off BIG TIME. In fact, I have a number of children of cousins who I used to buy for as well as my own siblings childrens. I never got a thank you. But OMG was my name MUD when I stopped buying for ALL of them. I told said relative who had been allocated the job of finding out why, that I was skint these days. They never said anything else.