Thanking someone for a gift

mavvymoo

Mojisola wrote: »

What rudeness! You didn't give them any money, did you?

No I didn't I gifted them to a charity shop and just never said a word about them again.:rotfl:I couldn't believe how rude they were.
TBH been on a downward spiral with them ever since and see them as little as possible.

Mav x

trolleyrun

It wouldn't ever occur to me to not thank someone for a present. I even profusely thank people for letting me out in traffic. I just don't understand why people don't teach their kids (or themselves) to say thank you. I wouldn't bother giving presents to people who don't say thank you and if they asked, I'd tell the truth. It's the only way they'd learn.

SallyPepper

Well I saw him this morning and without me even saying anything about his daughter's birthday, he asked me to give her money instead of a present as she was saving up for a ipad.
Last Christmas I put some money in an envelope for her (wrote her name on it) and was going to put it with a bag containing some chocolates. I could not find the envelope and was hunting round the house for it, so I just put another envelope with the money in the bag, thinking I would look for it later.
The next day I asked my OH if he had seen the original envelope, and he said that he had found it and put it in the bag.
So she had TWO envelopes with the money in the bag.
I was amazed when she did not even say she had got two by mistake. It was clearly a mistake and she said nothing.
I was furious about it, and I think this is what has "tipped me over the edge".
I feel like not giving her any money for her birthday and making reference to the duplicate which she kept.
I know I will not do this, as I have not got the guts to do this and risk an argument.
Grr!!

Idiophreak

trolleyrun wrote: »

I wouldn't bother giving presents to people who don't say thank you and if they asked, I'd tell the truth. It's the only way they'd learn.

It's not the only way they could learn, though, is it...

It's a passive-aggressive kind of way of "teaching them a lesson", but that's not quite the same thing.

If you just stop giving them presents, they might assume you don't care any more, that you've no money, that they're too old, that you've fallen out with their parents...or that they've done something to offend you...

Saying "You didn't say thank you for the last gift I gave you...if you don't do this in future, I won't give you any more gifts"....Either directly, or via their parents, seems a much better way of actually "learning" them...

Mojisola

SallyPepper wrote: »

So she had TWO envelopes with the money in the bag.
I was amazed when she did not even say she had got two by mistake. It was clearly a mistake and she said nothing.
I was furious about it, and I think this is what has "tipped me over the edge".
I feel like not giving her any money for her birthday and making reference to the duplicate which she kept.
I know I will not do this, as I have not got the guts to do this and risk an argument.

I'd be tempted to put an empty envelope in this year's bag of chocs and spend the money on a couple of self-assertion classes.

Pyxis

Mojisola wrote: »

I'd be tempted to put an empty envelope in this year's bag of chocs and spend the money on a couple of self-assertion classes.

Too right!!

And I bet you anything, THAT would provoke a response! I bet she or your brother would ring up to say you forgot to put the money in!

Then you could keep 'forgetting' to send it!

HPoirot

SallyPepper I don't see how your niece is in the wrong, it is her dad who seems to be scrounging money off you for her presents. Honestly, I can't ever imagine a parent going asking for money for their child's presents before they are even asked what the child wanted. By the same token, your brother has never taught your niece to say thank you to family, I bet she doesn't even know it is a "done" thing. The only person you should be peeved at is your brother for behaving like a spoilt brat towards you and if I were you I would be saving a few choice retorts the next time he comes along with his begging bowl.

HPoirot

SallyPepper wrote: »

I know I will not do this, as I have not got the guts to do this and risk an argument.
Grr!!

If you will just keep on giving on demand, then what good would starting this thread do you? I'm a bit confused here.

TBagpuss

Idiophreak wrote: »

If someone told me that they liked being thanked, however, I'd make sure I did it...You may think I shouldn't have to be told, but that's projecting your own values on to me, which isn't entirely fair.

I don't think people should have to tell you they like being thanked. It is basic good manners to thank someone when they give you a gift, and it is pretty rude to correct someone else's manners, so it would be rude for someone to tell you, an adult, that you ought to be thanking them.

Its a little different if someone has a strong preference for one format over another - so someone mentioning they would love to get a phone call rather than a thank you card, for instance, but not thanking someone at all is rude. There are etiquette 'rules' about whether thanks should be by way of a hand written letter, and whether e-mail is OK, and the like, and I would agree that someone who critisied you for not sending a hand written note when you had sent an e-mail, or thanked them in person, would be behaving inappropriately and pushing their values onto you, but as an adult, you ought to know that you should thank people who give you gifts.

There are some people who prefer not to be directly thanked but that is unusual and goes against societal norms, at least in this country, so it would be more appropriate to assume that you should say thank you in some form, and then if there is someone who does *not* want to be thanked, let them tell you, and then abide by their wishes.

OP - if you feel not giving gifts to your niece will cause a family row that you want to avoid then I would suggest that you cut down and simply send a small, token gift - don't invest massive amounts of time or money in it. I think if your brother or niece mention it, or ask why you didn't give more, you can tell them that as you have never received any thanks or acknowledgment of the many gifts you have given, you felt that they were not appreciated so have cut back, but I would only raise this is they bring up the subject.

Gleek

My SIL's family never say thank you for anything - that's the parents, her, her 2 sisters and 1 of her sisters husband and 2 kids.

Really p's me off too. Was her birthday this weekend and still no idea whether the card and present got there.