What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

johnswife

I have three daughters in their twenties, 2 at uni away and one married.
I am actually going to stay with my married daughter for a few days as her husband is in Afghanistan and it's their 1st Wedding anniversary on Sunday.
She is probably the more caring, if thats the right word, of the three . Recently we were having a conversation about her friend who is a care worker and telling me of the elderly that she sees in care homes. I jokingly said promise me you won't put me in a home and i can come and live with you. She laughed and said I promise. Immediately I thought she might think i was serious and said I was only joking and there was a good home not to far away and put me there. I would never want to be a burden to my children, I want them to live their lives and be happy.
But we are all very close and I know they would visit.

marisco_2

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

I hope that the way I am raising my sons now, will mean that when I am older and they are fully grown men, we will have a close and brilliant relationship with each other. I would like to always be a special and vital part of their lives. Also that they will know without a shadow of a doubt, that I will always be there for them, and that they can rely on me 100%. I hope they will go out into the big wide world, make the most of every opportunity available to them, and make me proud. Other than that I don't expect anything from them at all.

GobbledyGook

I think it has to be kept in mind that staff don't always know what people were like. When my father (I use the term very loosely) was dying in the hospice he "broke his heart crying" (as I was told by the manager) to staff about how his child didn't visit, about how he had wee grandchildren and he'd just love to see them once more and how lonely he was. They all thought he was a poor, dying man whose children had stuck him 'out of sight out of mind' and didn't care. Except he failed to tell them about the abuse that he'd put us through. Funnily enough when he was regaling them with stories about my childhood he never mentioned the day he chucked the iron at me or how we went hungry to allow him to eat (or feed his drug habit).

Other times distance makes things impossible. My Gr-Grandmother lived 300 miles from my Nana. Nana didn't drive and even when she was very elderly, pretty much housebound and facing being put in a home for her own safety Gr-Gran wouldn't move [she could have lived with Nana & Grandad or in the home at the end of their street]. So she ended up in a home where she had visitors two or three times a year, but there was nothing the family could do about that. Nana lived 300 miles away, didn't drive and had 2 children to care for (unexpectedly as we were her grandchildren). Gr-Gran's other daughter lived further south still and was a 24/7 carer for her disabled child. She couldn't visit any more than she did.

I just want my children to care enough to think about it and to do what is best. If that's put me in a home then put me in a home. If it's stick me in the annex then so be it. I hope I make it as easy for them as my Nana did me. My Grandad had already passed away and once it became clear she wouldn't manage on her own any more she moved into a sheltered housing complex. She decided to choose one near our home (we only lived about 45 minutes away, but it made a big difference time wise) because she knew we'd want to visit 3/4 times a week and the distance made it easier. She also came to stay with us at weekends quite often and the warden used to joke that we were like separated parents - they had her in the week and us at weekends She made a tough time easy and I hope to do the same.

Mrs_Ryan

Reading this thread has made me think- before I gave up work I saw many different family set ups- some very devoted families who visited constantly and spent plenty of quality time with their relatives and others who never had any visitors at all. My own beloved Dad is now believed to be in the early stages of Korsikoff's syndrome (alcohol related dementia) and my mum is having a terrible time with him. I know Mum wouldn't want him to go into a home when the time came and neither would I- in fact being the only unmarried, unemployed daughter I would be expected to drop everything and move 200 miles to help care for him which I would gladly do- between mum and I we've done enough care work to want to keep our loved ones out of the care system for as long as possible.
However I think it's true what someone was saying about boys being favoured- me and my sister have long since pleaded with my mum to stop giving into my brother and giving him large sums of money- she allowed him to run up an £8000 bill on her credit card, frittering it away- and yet when she put me on her credit card when I went to uni she reduced the limit to £50 and then took it off me after having a screaming fit at me because I was using it to buy supplies at the hospital shop after I was finishing my shift! She decided I was using it on 'stupid magazines' (I admit, I bought my Nursing Standard with it a couple of times but it was actually relevant to my course) but because the shop was officially a newsagent she decided I couldn't possibly be buying things like bread, butter, milk, cereal, tea, loo roll and 'lady items' and took the card off me! Brother has gone into a mood because she won't buy him a PS4 for his birthday and even I had a go at him over that- I've asked for a new laptop for my uni work as mine is on it's last legs and she's said no but keeps throwing money at him. She paid for him and SIL to go to Turkey for a week all inclusive last summer- she took me away for 2 nights in a cruddy hotel in London for 2 nights and said she couldn't afford anything more which was fine- I'm not ungrateful- but then she magically found the money to pay for my brother and SIL and wondered why me and my sister were annoyed at her when she came back.. I was even more annoyed when I gave my brother the money to pay my phone bill before he went away (phone is in his name as I can't get one myself) and guess what? The bill wasn't paid..

onlyroz

Soleil_lune wrote: »

I would not agree with this at all. In every family I know - mine included - the boys are always fawned over and looked after, and the girls are expected to take care of themselves. And the women dote on the lads much more than the girls, and definitely favour them. This goes back 3 or 4 generations too.

I think it just shows that parents can often unthinking have a favoured child whether they are male or female, older or younger. However, I do think that when it comes to weddings and having babies sons often get the raw end of the deal.

Your son says "I'm getting married" so you go out and buy a big hat then turn up on the day feeling smug at what a great parent you are. Your daughter says the same and you spend a year in indepth discussions over everything from the guest-list to how the napkins are going to be folded. Your son says "We're having a baby" and so you say that's nice dear" and turn up after the birth with a set of hand knitted booties. Your daughter says the same and you spend nine months gushing over her bump, helping her design the nursery, and pouring over baby name books.

I think that sons are expected to be more self-sufficient and that this can lead to a sort of passive neglect which can seem like disinterest. So you end up with young men who rarely visit their parents because they are so used to being independent that they don't see why they should help out when their parents start to get frail. Daughters on the other hand are taught "caring duties" from an early age and so often end up feeling that they must drop everything for their parents out of a sense of duty and obligation. And if course this itself can lead to family resentments building up.

caringa

supersuzie50 wrote: »

My 94 year old mother expects me to look after her and never stops reminding me. I wish I had never started looking after her as she is so selfish and so demanding. I have no life at all and it is so difficult to get out of caring now. I think I will die before mother. I do not think any parent should expect their children to look after them. There is no support at all especially if they have savings and will not use their savings.

I couldnt agree more. My husband and I look after his 93 year old Dad and 90 year old Aunt. His Dad treats him like a kid (he is 61!) and never says thanks for anything we do for him. On the otherhand, his Aunt is very appreciated of all we do - it only takes a thank you and a smile to make you feel that you are making a difference to their life and because of her attitude we are only too willing help her.

margaretclare

DH and I are getting towards these kind of age-groups. He'll be 80 at the end of this year, I'm a few months younger. That said...

I don't recognise myself among any of the people described, older parents etc. I have a step-family who love me and - apart from eldest GD - I'm estranged from the other part of my family. One daughter died before her 40th birthday. I can't imagine myself behaving as those described by onlyroz or Mrs_Ryan. Certainly not as caringa and supersuzie50 describe.

I do know of one woman who may be going in that direction. DH's cousin died at the end of last year after battling against acute myeloid leukaemia for the previous 3 years. His wife wouldn't have help from anyone outside the family - she almost bit my head off when I suggested Macmillan. 'All she wanted was her family'. Well, now she's got them. She's managed to estrange herself from us even though DH and cousin grew up like brothers. So, she's in her mid-70s, dealing with widowhood (something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy), can't drive (never bothered to learn) and she's got what she wanted in one sense - the family!

I've always had to stand on my own two feet, never had any choice. I don't expect anything from anybody. I assume that, if DH and/or I need that sort of 'help', one of us will pick up the phone and arrange something for ourselves. I'd die a thousand deaths if I thought that anyone was travelling hundreds of miles to 'look after' me.

saidan

i'm a nurse caring for elderly patients at the end of life.
i have seen all sorts of families - from those who visit daily, sometimes twice a day, to those who seem to crawl out of the woodwork when death is iminent.
it is most sad when a patient dies and the social worker is the 'next of kin' and the person who has to arrange the funeral. very sad.

for some patients who seem so lovely you wonder why there are few visitors, but when you dig deeper it seems some people have been horrid to their children in the past, some have lived lonely lives and just rely on other elderly neighbours, and some simply have no-one.

my mother and i do not get on well - i see her occasionally but have been completely honest with my sister (golden child) that i want nothing to do with arranging elderly care, funeral arrangements etc....

Morglin

Judi wrote: »

Parallel indeed. I got married at 17 to get away from home. In those days you didn't bring shame on your parents by living in sin. I really couldn't take any more. The final straw was when she found I was having sex. "He'll never marry you!" was yelled at me till I was blue in the face. Well he did! Not that it did me much good. Thinking about it, I was 15 and he was 21 and she let me go off on a weekend with him. What did she expect I'd do?

So glad you managed to break free from your marriage.

No, you didn't really live in sin in 1970, if you were a 'nice girl', but to get my own back, I did just that - and she rushed me down that aisle quick-smart lol (my fault I agreed, I thought it would be my way out permanently).:eek:

What made me laugh, though, was when I toddled off to live in sin, she didn't cancel my subscription to a magazine in case the newsagent found out I was a fallen woman lol:T:T


Oh dear it's funny looking back, but not at the time.:T

Good luck with it all.

Lin

Snowbird

I come in from both ends on this one.
My mother has been disabled for a number of years. We were discussing a couple of years ago, the possibility of her going into a home should her needs increase to the point where she could not manage.
The point for us (mum and I) was that she did not want me doing personal things for her, so she was a bit dubious of moving in with me, should the need arise. However, I was not keen on this as I did not think anyone could care for her as well as I could, and I would worry that she was ok.
I bought a house near to her so that I could go in when necessary.
Anyway, the solution to our quandary is that, should the need arise, I will move her in with me and we will pay for someone to do personal stuff for her. (someone who she does not know and who will not sit around the dinner table with her!)
I know that someone may not be there when "personal" stuff needs doing, so realise that it may be necessary to pay for someone 24/7.
But at least I will be there to make sure she is ok. Make sure she has company other than her "carer." Make sure her family and friends can visit whenever she wants. etc etc.
She does worry that she will be a "burden", but realises that wherever she is I will worry about her.
But what would I expect from my own children?
Well probably nothing really.
I do not want to be a burden and do not want to feel like the family are doing something out of duty. So I would pay for any care I needed.
However, I would also realise that my family too would worry about me, and if they wanted me to stay with them, then I would probably do so. But I would hate to feel like I was cramping their lifestyle.
I do, however, joke with them and say they should put me in the cheapest home if I lost my marbles as I would not know the difference!