What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

Toucan_Pecan

What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

I ask because I have just started working in a care home and it's the first time I have worked with elderly people. I have noticed that some residents have family members that never visit and I wonder if part of getting older is accepting that you are going to become extremely isolated especially if (or when!) one becomes single. I have had residents tell me how lonesome they are and how much they hope their children will visit. It makes me feel incredibly sad (and actually really terrified of growing old) and I'm wondering whether that is just what is accepted by the current society we live in.... ?

Tiglath

No kids, so no expectations. I wouldn't expect my stepchildren to do anything as they'll have their own lives to lead, although knowing them I reckon they'd keep in touch. The thought of being cooped up with a bunch of strangers drives me nuts so I hope I pop my clogs before I become incapacitated enough to have to go into care. I'd much rather stay home with books and cats, and have someone come in daily if necessary.

Hermia

Surely a lot depends on how that person behaved when younger? I have worked with the elderly and felt incredibly sorry for some lovely old people who seemed to have incredibly thoughtless and selfish relatives. But I also met some people who were are damn lucky anyone visits them! When someone is old and frail it is easy to forget that they were once capable of causing damage. I worked with one seemingly sweet old lady whose kids never visited. I later found out she was such an abusive mother they had all needed a lot of psychological help as adults. You would never have known it from looking at her!

supersuzie50

My 94 year old mother expects me to look after her and never stops reminding me. I wish I had never started looking after her as she is so selfish and so demanding. I have no life at all and it is so difficult to get out of caring now. I think I will die before mother. I do not think any parent should expect their children to look after them. There is no support at all especially if they have savings and will not use their savings.

thorsoak

Speaking as a more (ahem) senior poster, this is something that will become pertinent to me sooner rather than later!

Of my four children, only one lives within 30 miles of me - two of the other three don't even live in this country! But contact is regular and often, by telephone, by skype and facetime - and this will continue. No 1 son pops in at least three times a week and picks up on some chores for me - but I do not expect them to "look after" me when I'm older and grumpier.

What my brother and sisters (again they live nearly 100 miles away) and I are contemplating is that two or more of us might pool resourses and share a house and employ and pay for help ourselves ....but that is in the long-distance future (we hope). We come from a family that seem to live long into their 80s - my brother is 77 and still extremely active, I'm coming up for 71 and still working and my three other sisters are still far too busy to even consider becoming elderly!

PasturesNew

It's distance that's the problem. Either the children have moved away (and are working full-time or not working and the costs are high to travel), or the parents moved away to retire at the seaside.

Hermia

supersuzie50 wrote: »

My 94 year old mother expects me to look after her and never stops reminding me. I wish I had never started looking after her as she is so selfish and so demanding. I have no life at all and it is so difficult to get out of caring now. I think I will die before mother. I do not think any parent should expect their children to look after them. There is no support at all especially if they have savings and will not use their savings.

I do sympathise with you. I think the problem is that when it comes to caring for the elderly society hadn't moved with the times. I expect in the past daughters who looked after their parents were housewives with older kids. Now lots of daughters who are expected to care for their parents are single or have young kids or are the breadwinners and are expected to work and care too. I have friends who are making themselves ill trying to look after their parents.

onlyroz

No parent should expect their child to visit. Those who find themselves lonely in their old age are so typically because they've behaved selfishly towards their children in their younger years. Some people seem to forget that respect must be earned and is not a right granted purely because of blood ties.

My parents have treated us wonderfully and so I will walk over hot coals to help them as they get older. Hubby's parents treated him like an inconvenient cash cow and so he now has little time for his mother and refuses to worship his father's memory like he seems to be expected to do.

jackomdj

I agree very much that it depends upon the parent, child and their history.

My partners step Dad has been in hospital for over 3 months and he has been going to fetch his mum and take her to the hospital (2 1/4h to her house and another 1/2h to the hospital) about 3 out of 4 Saturdays. He works full time and it is taking it out of him. However he is a lovely, caring Man who believes in doing what is right. BUT his Mum is not a maternal mother, usually it is us that does all the running around, he has left it that she would call us a few times over the years and we haven't heard from her for months.

When the time comes we will do what we can, however due to distance we will not be able to visit weekly, if it came to it hopefully she would be able to move closer.

With my parents we would do the same, but they are even further away. Fortunately my sister lives close to them and she does not work. However my Mum is hard work at the best of times!

[Deleted User]

I don't/won't expect anything from mine. We are close but they have lives to lead and it's up to me to put provision in place. Anything my kids want to offer will be gratefully received but certainly not expected

74jax

I wouldn't expect anything of my Daughter, I'd hope she has a wonderful fullfillling life that I, as an older person, wouldn't be intruding on or be a burden. I hope she would 'want' to spend time with me or call me.

I don't with my mother as I choose not to and we don't get on all, not because she is old, but because of how she is.

My Dad on the other hand, i'd have him live with us if he would, but he won't dream of it yet.