What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

onlyroz

Billie-S wrote: »

Hard to say. But even now I know a few women and girls whose brothers are massively favoured over them. And this is quite a recent thing too; ie; it's women and girls 30 and under. In your words, they can't do a thing wrong.

If it's any consolation, you sound like a pretty amazing mum!

I'm not sure it's always true to say that sons are favoured over daughters. Some people think that their sons should be capable of looking after themselves, and so they pay little interest in their lives once they leave the nest and start families of their own. However, it is often the daughters who are fawned upon, in particular when it comes to planning weddings or when grandchildren are imminent.

Mojisola

gingin wrote: »

My grandmother is confused, has mild dementia as well as being 94. I think sometimes what is said and the reality can be very different - not for everyone, but for some.

The staff know who has visitors and who doesn't - it's true that residents don't always remember.

My Dad was one of the few who had regular visitors. Out of the small group that he lived with, one resident had a visit from one relation for an hour on Christmas Eve; another had a short visit from her son about once a month; another had visitors about four times a year - very sad. Out of sight, out of mind.

We used to stay in the lounge for most of our visits so we got to know the other residents very well. It was quite difficult to stop visiting after Dad died.

Scrapaholic

We have a son and daughter both local,married with their own children. I really hope when we get much older we'll all still have a good relationship . I hope we don't turn into selfish cantankerous old people . We don't expect to be looked after and would hate to be a burden . We're early 60's and we do think about the future but try not to worry too much .

Soleil_lune

onlyroz wrote: »

I'm not sure it's always true to say that sons are favoured over daughters. Some people think that their sons should be capable of looking after themselves, and so they pay little interest in their lives once they leave the nest and start families of their own. However, it is often the daughters who are fawned upon, in particular when it comes to planning weddings or when grandchildren are imminent.

I would not agree with this at all. In every family I know - mine included - the boys are always fawned over and looked after, and the girls are expected to take care of themselves. And the women dote on the lads much more than the girls, and definitely favour them. This goes back 3 or 4 generations too.

lostinrates

Soleil_lune wrote: »

I would not agree with this at all. In every family I know - mine included - the boys are always fawned over and looked after, and the girls are expected to take care of themselves. And the women dote on the lads much more than the girls, and definitely favour them. This goes back 3 or 4 generations too.

I have no brothers, but in dh's family he and his brother have been pretty unfawned over since their mother died at least and certainly no financial or practical help, but good relationship is striven for on both sides. However, my sister in law her father travels across an ocean to help her flat hunt move house etc and we understand he pays her rent. She is in her mid thirties and employed. Her eldest brother struggles for regular employment and has a child, but no help.

Tiglath

Soleil_lune wrote: »

I would not agree with this at all. In every family I know - mine included - the boys are always fawned over and looked after, and the girls are expected to take care of themselves. And the women dote on the lads much more than the girls, and definitely favour them. This goes back 3 or 4 generations too.

In DH's family, it's the opposite - the girls are the apples of their mother's eyes, and the boys are pretty much ignored. The common denominator between his family and mine is that the youngest is significantly favoured from the word go and the oldest left to shift for themselves, and the oldest have retaliated by distancing themselves. Sometimes I think some parents do this as an 'investment' for their old age, to try and ensure one of the children will be there to look after them. My MIL has already said she's leaving everything to my SIL, which doesn't seem to bother DH - he always expected it, based on his childhood. My mother has said the same about my sister, and again it doesn't bother me - I expected it because she provided grandchildren and I didn't so I've failed in her eyes. I'm just glad I'm away from all the drama!

AubreyMac

Billie-S wrote: »

Awwww,,,.... I am sure you will have LOTS of people around you then! 'Family' isn't always about blood relatives. Most of the people in my life daily and weekly are not related to me. I have more contact with neighbours and friends than I do 'family.'

How old are you now?

In my early 30's and while that isn't 'too late', it's just that its highly unlikely I'll ever have kids as firstly I don't have time to date until a couple of years and when I do, it'll take time to know someone and form a strong relationship first. Assuming the first guy I date is ''the one'' I'll be 40 at the earliest. Again, not impossible but highly unlikely.

You're right that family isn't just blood ties. I'd choose some of my friends over my blood relatives anyday.

mountainofdebt

Nothing.

By the same token I hope Junior expects nothing in way of an inheritance

meritaten

the one phrase that keeps popping up is 'they have their own lives to lead'. as if marrying and having a family of your own somehow 'separates' you from your mother or father.
Cuts you loose, and the responsibility for them reverts to 'the state'.
I don't get on with my mother, but, in the near future she is going to need care - I don't expect the state to take that on. it will be worked out with my brother and sister exactly how she is going to get care. and it will be by the family. Probably down to me and sis - bro lives miles away. we aren't looking forward to it - but, she is our mother and she is the reason we are here and we owe her that at least. I couldn't shove her in a home and forget about her. as long as she remains healthy and compos mentis she will stay in her home. supported by her children and grandchildren too.

PlymouthMaid

I have two lovely daughters who I hope will be a large part of my life as I become elderly in the next 20 years or so but once real decrepitude takes over I do not want them burdened by me. Pills and vodka here too but if I can't manage that I hope, unlike Judi, that I really have lost my marbles before I end up in a care home as most of them are enough to drive a person demented if not already.