What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

Billie-S

Judi wrote: »

Much the same here. My brother was always the favoured child. I think ive mentioned it before, I remember as a child being told not to 'set him off' when he got up for school. 'Setting him off' consisted of looking at him the wrong way, getting in his way or saying something he didn't like. As it was I just left for school before he got up. Having children myself I now realize that it was him that needed to be parented and it was not me that was at fault. As an adult she'd cut his meat up for him!

When I started having problems with my Mother I summoned a meeting with my brother and told him that if he didn't take more of an interest in looking after our Mother than I would walk away. He did sod all so I walked away. It worked out pretty well for him. He could take as much money as my Mother had without a third person knowing but it also meant that she was dependant on him as she had been me.

When seeing my Mother last she mentioned her handbag had gone missing when she moved into the home. The bag had got £1000 in it. That's money she will never see again.

Like I said before, she's old and frail now and doesn't make a lot of sense. Its such a shame how things turned out, these things affect you deeply and trying not to be bitter is hard.

The odd thing is, I ended up marrying a man who is as controlling and can be as verbally abusive as my Mother was. I'm learning to deal with it, just like I learned to deal with my Mom..... however, a 29 year old marriage isn't that easy to walk away from.

A shocking amount of women I know have brothers who are favoured over them Weird isn't it? And this is 'western culture' families.

I wonder why.

I am sorry to hear of your marriage issues. I hope you will find peace and happiness one day.

onlyroz

Billie-S wrote: »

I do not expect them to be my carer in old age, but I also would not expect them to not contact me at all when I hit 70!

Remember it works both ways. I know too many people who sit at home waiting for their kids to ring but never pick up the phone themselves to ask how things are going.

Prothet_of_Doom

I'm expecting nothing. That way I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Billie-S

Morglin wrote: »

Yes, we moved back to London, from a village in Sussex, six years ago.

With the lack of shops, doctors, public transport, hospitals etc., it just became impossible to imagine what would happen when we had to give up the car.

Can't say I was sorry, as I hated village living anyway.

Lin

Awww, did you? Why? I would LOVE to live in a village. My friend just moved to one with no shops for 3 miles, no public transport, no main roads for 2 miles, and no doctors or hospital for 5 miles, but she does live just 7 miles from a train station that has a straight through train to London in 70 minutes, and five other main cities and towns within 35 to 45 mins. (Also she is 15 minutes drive to a fairly large town.)

And it's soooooooooo quiet. Literally the only sounds are the church bells and the cows moo-ing. And it's close to masses of countryside, canals, rivers, forests, hills, and so much beautiful scenery.

People come to her part of the country to go on HOLIDAY, and she 'lives' there. So lucky. There are five or six caravan parks 2-3 miles from her village. No-one ever comes through though, and nobody visits (from the caravans) as the village has nothing except one pub! And there are 3 or 4 other pubs near to the caravan parks, so the caravanners go to them. I am really jealous. Especially as her aunt left her the house she lives in now! Lucky cow.

She is only in her mid 40s though, so maybe in a generation, she may get to the point where it's an inconvenience, but as she said, as long as she has a car/can drive, there isn't going to be a problem. Where she lived before, she had to drive almost everywhere, as she lived on the fringes of a town that had rubbish public transport and her husband works shifts. Plus, there are about 50 people over 70 in the village who've been there since their 30s and 40s, and they said they will never ever move. Having no public transport is a small price to pay for living in a perfect place.

PasturesNew

Mr_Toad wrote: »

She alternates between thinking the home is a nice hotel and somewhere she works.

Mine does that.

Morglin

Judi wrote: »

Much the same here. My brother was always the favoured child. I think ive mentioned it before, I remember as a child being told not to 'set him off' when he got up for school. 'Setting him off' consisted of looking at him the wrong way, getting in his way or saying something he didn't like. As it was I just left for school before he got up. Having children myself I now realize that it was him that needed to be parented and it was not me that was at fault. As an adult she'd cut his meat up for him!

When I started having problems with my Mother I summoned a meeting with my brother and told him that if he didn't take more of an interest in looking after our Mother than I would walk away. He did sod all so I walked away. It worked out pretty well for him. He could take as much money as my Mother had without a third person knowing but it also meant that she was dependant on him as she had been me.

When seeing my Mother last she mentioned her handbag had gone missing when she moved into the home. The bag had got £1000 in it. That's money she will never see again.

Like I said before, she's old and frail now and doesn't make a lot of sense. Its such a shame how things turned out, these things affect you deeply and trying not to be bitter is hard.

The odd thing is, I ended up marrying a man who is as controlling and can be as verbally abusive as my Mother was. I'm learning to deal with it, just like I learned to deal with my Mom..... however, a 29 year old marriage isn't that easy to walk away from.

Our lives must run parallel - I got married at 18, to get away from her, a bloke who was controlling (but he was clever, he did it by being a victim, whining a lot, being needy, and constantly accusing me of all sorts), in other ways he was ok, so I bought up the kids, made plans to go......then I became disabled, so was stuck again!

Then, I thought, after 30 years of marriage , oh buggar it, so I left him, disability or not, penniless, got a divorce, remarried and changed my life.:beer:

It wasn't easy, in the practical sense, but I was so tired of first my mother, then my husband setting the agenda, I wanted my life back.


Life is too short for these people, who need to control with put downs, accusations, and their victim like status as being so disappointed in all you do.....

Lin

Billie-S

onlyroz wrote: »

Remember it works both ways. I know too many people who sit at home waiting for their kids to ring but never pick up the phone themselves to ask how things are going.

Oh of course. Bad wording from me sorry. Even now, I contact my two girls twice for every one time they contact me. But it's OK as they are very busy at university. And yes, it does work both ways.

Lovelyjoolz

I have no children of my own and, although I'm close to my OH's daughter, I wouldn't dream of having her take care of me in my dotage.

At the beginning of this year my 95 year old Grandmother moved into a home. At first she though she was going to the workhouse but she's as happy as a pig in sh*te now! The home is wonderful, with lovely staff and hot and cold running cake. She has found nirvana! Its seriously the best thing we could ever have done for her. Even though she doesn't deserve it. She's that sweet little old lady who in reality is so poisonous 95% of her family have cut all contact with her and the only person who visits her is her son and that's only out of a misguided sense of duty my lovely Dad has.

My parents have made me promise to put them into a home because they don't want me to care for them. In fact, my Mum would rather top herself than have anyone wipe her bum for her, especially me or my brother. I know how she feels.

So my plan for old age is to not get there!
Seriously - I do not want to be 95. All my friends will either be dead or dementia riddled and my hips and knees are shot already at 41! I plan to start smoking again at 65. And drinking a bottle or two of Jim Beam every week. With any luck that'll see me off this mortal coil before I become a burden on anyone :rotfl:

Billie-S

Judi wrote: »

I think it was a generation thing. From what I can remember Moms brother was the 'Golden Child' he could do no wrong either.

My Auntie (not really my Auntie but I know her as such). She had much the same experience with her brother. During the war she suffered deeply being sent off to live with an Aunt whilst her Mother was being treated for TB. My Auntie still to this day cant understand why she was sent away and not her brother. From what she told me, her Brother had really expensive gifts at Christmas and for Birthdays whereas Auntie had barely anything.

My Auntie has no relationship with her brother to this day due to arguments about their Mother (when she was alive).

I really wouldn't wish this on my children.

Hard to say. But even now I know a few women and girls whose brothers are massively favoured over them. And this is quite a recent thing too; ie; it's women and girls 30 and under. In your words, they can't do a thing wrong.

If it's any consolation, you sound like a pretty amazing mum!

gingin_2

Toucan_Pecan wrote: »

I have had residents tell me how lonesome they are and how much they hope their children will visit. It makes me feel incredibly sad (and actually really terrified of growing old)

This bit stood out to me.

I have a lovely 94 year old Grandmother who has been in a residential home for I think almost 4 years. She regularly tells people she has no visitors when she has them very regularly. My parents live 10 minutes away and probably pop in 4 times a week as well as take her out to church and for meals. Other famly visit less regularly but they still visit when they can. I only get to see her roughly every six weeks as I live an hour and a half away but last time I went to visit she told the nurse I never visit! and then asked the lady if she has any grandchildren (her response was she's 26 and doesn't even have kids yet).

My grandmother is confused, has mild dementia as well as being 94. I think sometimes what is said and the reality can be very different - not for everyone, but for some.