What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

Mr_Toad

nonnatus wrote: »

I am 43, my mum is 64 and in poor health.


We live together now, with my teenage kids and it works brilliantly. I will NEVER let her go in to Care. She raised me, I'll return the same generosity. Except we both agree I will not be wiping her bottom - I will employ help for that bit!!!!

Unfortunately the reality will be that unless you have someone in 24/7 you will end up wiping her bum.

Hired help tends to visit at specified times to help with bathing and dressing/undressing or at a meal time. Visits can be as short as 15 to 30 minutes.

Older people tend to be more frequent and less continent.

Lily-Rose_3

I think it's very sad when I hear tales of old people who have children who never visit. Although, as someone touched on above, you don't know the reason. Some people, although genial and frail and elderly now, may have been nasty, vicious, aggressive, and even violent towards their children. And the children have probably made the tough decision to cut them off completely; even moving 100s or possibly 1000s of miles away purely to get away from them.

Some elderly parents can be very demanding of their children, forgetting that they have lives of their own. I don't think they do it on purpose, but I know of a few middle aged (ish) people who work full time, have teen children, (sometimes even grandchildren!) and have issues of their own, but seem to continually be chasing their tail running after elderly parents, who make demands on their time, and who make them feel guilty and bad if they go a whole day without phoning them.

My mother was the same (she is now passed, some 10 years back, and my dad too.) But she would try and make me feel bad if I didn't call her. I used to visit her three times a week, often doing housework for her, and taking her shopping, and anywhere else she wanted to go, as well as holding down a job, looking after my family, and having my own problems. My brother never bothered coming around at all hardly. (usually once every 8 weeks or so when he wanted something,) and she would cry for her son abandoning her, and when he did visit, he was 'God' again.

A very elderly couple (about 85-90) live opposite us, and they have the adult (50ish) daughter visit virtually every day. I spoke to her yesterday, and she said she is so stressed and that her parents are 'driving her mad.' She has 3 kids, a full time job and the menopause at the moment! And she is virtually a full time carer for her parents. She has a sister but she moved to Spain 10 years ago, and her brother lives 300 miles away. So it's all on her shoulders: taking her parents to appointments, doing their shopping, doing their housework, sitting talking to them, listening to their gripes... It's very stressful.

My daughter who is 19 and at uni, rings or skypes us about 2 or 3 times a week, though I don't ask her to, because I remember how my own mother made me feel like sh*t if I didn't contact her for a day or two. I lived away from home at 21/22, and all she did was make me feel so bad that I moved back. We don't expect anything of our daughter, and think it would be unfair for her to drop everything in her life for us. Though we do have a brilliant relationship, and I think she probably would help us if we needed her.

So people may have reasons for not bothering with their elderly parents. But it must be something serious for them to completely not bother, because even though my mother drove me nuts half the time, completely abandoning her was never on the cards.

As for what I expect of *my* daughter. I don't expect her to put her life on hold for me, and neither does her dad. But if I get so sick and infirm that I can't wipe my own butt, I am saving a bunch of sleeping tablets and a bottle of vodka. I don't want to be a burden to anyone; not my daughter OR husband.

My neighbour's husband is Italian, and she said that many years ago, back in Italy, he had 6 siblings and about 7 aunts and uncles and 12 cousins closeby, and the older folk always had someone to look after them, as there was always any one of 2 dozen people to look after them! Over here, we are so consumed with getting better pay, getting a bigger house, moving to another part of the country, moving abroad, etc etc, and families become splintered.

Like I said, with my parents, it was just me looking after them, while working 4 days a week and raising my own family. It became very stressful, and when such physical and mental demands are put on someone, resentment sets in quite quickly. Like I said though, I would never have abandoned them, so if there are old people who have their kids never ever visit, it must be for a very good reason.

growler834

I have always believed that people shouldn't have children if their only reason is that they will have someone to care for them in their old age (as several of my friends said when they got married).

I don't have any children -through choice as I was too independent with a good lifestyle by the time I met hubby & I didn't want to give up work. I do have 2 step children from hubby's first marriage though - one lives 250 miles away with a family of her own & the other lives in Australia with his own family. I have always got on really well with them but I would never expect them to help care for me should hubby die before me. I would hope, however, that they continued to visit me at some time or another, wherever I end up! Visiting a relative is totally different to caring for someone.

I myself have cared for my mum-in-law for 4 years until her dementia got so bad she needed to go into a care home. Six months later she is close to passing away. We visit almost every day (hubby is an only child) and although she doesn't know we are there we hate to think that she has no one with her throughout her ill health & when she dies. I am also taking my dad to visit my mum in hospital daily (for the last few weeks). She too is dying & I wouldn't dream of not being there for her throughout this terrible time.

I do it out of love - not duty - I'm lucky to have a close & loving family.

Brighton_belle

nonnatus wrote: »

I am 43, my mum is 64 and in poor health.


We live together now, with my teenage kids and it works brilliantly. I will NEVER let her go in to Care. She raised me, I'll return the same generosity. Except we both agree I will not be wiping her bottom - I will employ help for that bit!!!!

That's a lovely an understandable sentiment, and it is wonderful it is working so well for you all - but we don't know what the future brings - what if you also have poor health at 64 - your mum will be 83. Sometimes these choices regarding care homes are taken away from us.
Also, our experience is that the carers are rarely actually there when a bottom needs wiping. It's impossible to regulate bowel movements to the set times carers are due in.


Sometimes, a care home is the best option - I know someone it gave a whole new lease of life to: company, activity, security.

Lily-Rose_3

Brighton_belle wrote: »

That's a lovely an understandable sentiment, and it is wonderful it is working so well for you all - but we don't know what the future brings - what if you also have poor health at 64 - your mum will be 83. Sometimes these choices regarding care homes are taken away from us.
Also, our experience is that the carers are rarely actually there when a bottom needs wiping. It's impossible to regulate bowel movements to the set times carers are due in.

Sometimes, a care home is the best option - I know someone it gave a whole new lease of life to: company, activity, security.

I agree. I think that a 'I have such a close family' and 'I am prepared to wipe my parents bums til the day they die,' and 'we are so close that I do it out of love and not duty' kind of attitude isn't helpful. Many people cannot look after elderly and ailing parents full time and indefinitely for various reasons like the ones I touched on above ^^^

Their parents may have been very bad to them when they were younger, ergo; (they may not have a good relationship with them now,) they may work full time and have kids of their own (and even grandkids,) they may be sick and poorly themselves (or have partners or children that are,) they may have moved to another town for the work or to be close to where their partner lives. People don't usually become unable to care for elderly parents because they are mean and selfish and horrible. There is often a reason, and like I said, people implying that they do it because their family is so 'full of love' doesn't help.

DigForVictory

What do I expect? Not much. Not just as I'm still working & some way off retirement!
Husband likes the idea of putting the house in a child's name & just living with them, but is wilfully blind to the legalities & complexities of that idea.

Me, I'd rather sell the place to another family & downsize to a much smaller place that's designed to be easier on the elderly, and bestow the difference in tax efficient chunks on the children & (hoped for) grandchildren. Even if they're all living in other countries. I know the lads are a source of delight to their grandparents (and us) so I hope we can stay in touch cheerfully. They do not need to know nor worry who's bathing whom, so long as we can maintain the dignities. And the at least weekly communications. Hugs would be very nice, but if the lads are living elsewhere, we'll just have to hug each other.

If either of us has to go into a carehome then either our brains have well & truly outlasted our bodies (and yikes) or our brains have packed in & we need effectively protective custody. At which point, pneumonia becomes a friend & I hope our lads don't take that wrong.

POPPYOSCAR

It is not always the case that neglected older parents are because they have treated their children badly in the past.

Some children are just selfish and self -centred.

That said, I would not expect my children to 'look after me' but to help out now and again would be nice,not financially but with pratical things."

AubreyMac

I think culture and country has a lot to do with the expectation. In Asia I know it’s the oldest son’s duty to take care of elderly parents to the end which is why in certain parts of the continent they favour sons over daughters.

My relationship with my mother wasn’t a very good one. She’s extremely selfish and constantly puts everyone down behind their backs and is always angry / peed off with everyone and everything. My dad however is a nice man who is just a bit spineless. Because my mother is so abusive (by way of being neglectful to her children, verbal, psychological and at times physical), I wouldn’t feel any guilt if I never visited her. In fact, I probably wouldn’t wee on her if she was on fire!

Morglin

nonnatus wrote: »

I am 43, my mum is 64 and in poor health.


We live together now, with my teenage kids and it works brilliantly. I will NEVER let her go in to Care. She raised me, I'll return the same generosity. Except we both agree I will not be wiping her bottom - I will employ help for that bit!!!!

Good luck with the carer bit - the current cost round here is £22 per hour (or part thereof) and, unfortunately with bowels, there is no set routine!

God knows what 24/7 home care would cost!

Lin

itsanne

I don't expect anything.

I would hope for their company some of the time, just like now, depending on where they live. I certainly wouldn't want to hinder their ability to live their lives to the full.

Ironically my eldest has been trying to get us to agree to move to wherever she settles (and possibly into a "granny flat") so that she can help when the need arises - otherwise she says she'll have to live near us. I'm not yet 60 :rotfl:.

We've been [STRIKE]forcefully[/STRIKE] diplomatically pointing out that we can visit wherever she is.