What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

margaretclare

AubreyMac wrote: »

I think culture and country has a lot to do with the expectation. In Asia I know it’s the oldest son’s duty to take care of elderly parents to the end which is why in certain parts of the continent they favour sons over daughters.

It may be the oldest son's duty, but I'd bet any money that it's the oldest son's wife, not the son, who gets to do all the 'taking care' in practice!

onlyroz

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

It is not always the case that neglected older parents are because they have treated their children badly in the past.

Some children are just selfish and self -centred.

Most parents don't actively mistreat their children but there are plenty who are simply disinterested - they might say to all and sundry that "My son never rings me" or "My daughter never visits", but how often do they pick up the phone themselves just to ask how their offspring is doing?

My husband says that as a child his parents never asked him how his day was, or if he needed any help with his homework. They took no interest in his schooling or career plans and infact actively discouraged him from persuing further education because he was expected to go out and earn a living to contribute to the household. They only started taking an interest in how he was leading his life once he met me and it seemed like more grandchildren were on the cards. My father-in-law said (much to the upset of his existing granddaughters) that the day his grandson (our son) was born was the best day of his life. But I think this was only because he had achieved his dream of passing on his surname to a future generation. When my father-in-law died and my husband and his sister were clearing out the house he said that you would never have known that they ever had a son - all the photos were of his sister and her children. And now his sister accuses him of neglecting his mum, as if after decades of being ignored he now suddenly owes her something.

AubreyMac

margaretclare wrote: »

It may be the oldest son's duty, but I'd bet any money that it's the oldest son's wife, not the son, who gets to do all the 'taking care' in practice!

That is true, but it is down to the son to ensure they are taken care of and to provide. Even though they may not do the practical and physical 'caring'.

troubleinparadise

I'm "expecting" very little, but hoping that they will have the compassion to understand that some company and an overseeing eye will suffice, and that making the effort for a social visit every now and then will be a mutually enjoyable thing.

My mum's world, through ill health and then early dementia, shrunk to the four walls of her house, and very little social interaction. She was desperately lonely, but had lost the drive and then the ability to reach out and sort it for herself. She was often very happy just to be in a room watching people, or hearing the noises of a busy house elsewhere, without actually making conversation herself.

However, she would not entertain the thought of leaving her home (and she still had capacity to make that decision), which in reality had become solitary confinement for her. Nor would she move herself to be closer to myself or my sibling; both of us have full-time jobs, families and lived a 3 hour round trip from her. Ultimately, a crisis led to her moving to a care home, which was a lovely place with good staff and high standards, and where I could visit easily at any time (it truly was a home from home place, where visitors were as well looked after as residents).

I have told my children that if it comes to that for me, I do want to live in a care home - not all are the terrible ones featured recently on television. I would rather be in company, with my own room for privacy when necessary or by choice, than spending all day and night alone other than carer visits, and over-thinking about when someone might come to see me. Where you don't have to worry about meals, utility bills, house maintenance. Where you are with people who have similar life experiences. Where there are activities arranged so you don't have to go out on your own to find company, or go to the shop just to speak to another human being. Where you don't have to feel afraid or lonely, nor a burden to others.

Or maybe it won't come to that, and life will make the decision for me!

sparrer

I worked with older people most of my life, I've seen lovely older ladies (and men) who were, apparently, abusive when younger, I've seen selfish children scream at their demented parent, I've seen a daughter who lived in the next street refuse to have her parent for a couple of hours for Christmas dinner 'because she might dribble and the grandchildren don't like it'. Really? So neither mother ever had to wipe their child's dribble when it was a baby/toddler?

I love my children to bits, as I do my own 92 y/o mother, but as for living with each other, no thanks, it could lead to all sorts of grouches, grumbles and resentments. I'm not say it will, I'm saying it could, and is it worth the risk? I think not.

Fortunately mother is in a supported housing flat, reasonably able bodied and manages with a cleaner once a week. My brother who is 70 visits her once a week to take her shopping and out for lunch, I visit every month as she lives some distance from me and we keep in touch by phone. If she becomes incapable of caring for herself there's a lovely residential home near her where she would be happy to go.

I don't expect my children to do more than keep in touch and let me know how they and the grandchildren are, perhaps an occasional visit if they have time. They are settled, happy, have their own families which is all I could wish for. They were on loan to me, not owned by me, I have no right to make demands of them.

I'm quite prepared to give up my home and move into supported/sheltered where I'd still have a certain amount of independence yet with someone on call 24/7, and maybe a care package. If the time comes for more care I'll look into residential, I worked in that field for 30+ years so know what I'm looking for. I've - half jokingly - told my children I'll go into a home in the Outer Hebrides so there can't be any 'It's your turn, I went last time' arguments!

Brighton_belle

Judi wrote: »

I hate the idea of becoming a burden.

It is something every single human faces though isn't it. If we live to old age, we are likely to need help to manage.(I agree it is a horrible feeling).
The best thing we can do now to help older ourselves in the future is to give some thought o such things as:
* Organise Power of Attorney with those we love and trust while younger and healthy.
* De-clutter your home so you only have what you love and need: makes your home easier to clean and maintain in the event of unexpected illness and disability at any age.
* Promise yourself you won't be stubborn about getting a cleaner, personal alarm system, carer in: I hear too many tales of the children of elderly parents tearing their hair out as the parents refused any outside help creating much more stress for family.
* Think about moving to smaller, easier to look after accommodation near shops and dr's surgeries before you are too old and tired to face it. Plan where you might need to go after that when independence becomes impossible - give your self a chance to adapt to the idea of changes that will be necessary by planning ahead.

rachiibell

I hope my parents wouldn't expect anything from me. However this doesn't mean I won't provide it.

My parents had me and my sister fairly late in life. When they get to the stage they are starting to need support it is likely that me and my sister have young families of our own. I've moved about an hour and a half drive away. She still lives at home (only 17 atm).

I will be happy to provide occasional support, run errands, ect but I will not be taking on full time care of them. I would rather the last memories I have with my parents are of us spending quality time together rather than me visiting them doing all their cleaning, ect and then having to rush off because I need to do the same for my own family at home.

However hopefully all this is still a long way off yet!

babiebeany

I am currently thinking of how to word a letter to my dh and dc to absolve them of the burden of my care in later life. My perspective comes from having the burden of my own mum now, and yes it is a burden. We have never had a good relationship, in fact I moved out at 18 and then to the other side of the city later to escape her grasp. She is in fact a lovely lady, but extremely selfish, lazy and demanding with no self control, she has always been this way so it’s not about being old. Her carers love her and she is looked after so well by them, which is very comforting. But being her only daughter can be an absolute nightmare

For my own life now and in later years I am striving to keep myself healthy both physically and mentally. To be an active part of my own life as well as that of my family, which means cultivating relationships, getting out and about and being as independent as possible. I will always endeavour to live independently, maybe with help, but I will never ever put on my children as I have been put on. This may sound bitter and I suppose it is really, but people who meet my mother think she is a sweet old lady, which she is on the surface, and that I should be doing everything I can to look after her. The reality is a whole world away from that, but I cannot quite bring myself to say it out loud.

For my part I do visit but am just the help, not even a hello before demands are made. She wants hugs now, but never showed love before. Every so often I have to take a step back for my own sanity and self perseverance, other people just do not understand and assume I am being selfish.

My brothers have now begun to help out with shopping, the dog, garden, maintenance and so now I try only to be involved in the finance and medical side. The finances are now under control, but medically it involves at least one trip per week to the doctors or hospital for one thing or another.

This isn’t a woe is me post, but just my relationship with my mother as it is. Not everything is as it seems on face value.

Mr_Toad

Brighton_belle wrote: »

That's a lovely an understandable sentiment, and it is wonderful it is working so well for you all - but we don't know what the future brings - what if you also have poor health at 64 - your mum will be 83. Sometimes these choices regarding care homes are taken away from us.
Also, our experience is that the carers are rarely actually there when a bottom needs wiping. It's impossible to regulate bowel movements to the set times carers are due in.


Sometimes, a care home is the best option - I know someone it gave a whole new lease of life to: company, activity, security.

My Mum is in a care home due to dementia. I gave up my home to move in and look after her, I worked from home so it seemed to be a reasonable solution.

In the beginning it was fine but she deteriorated rapidly and became impossible for me to look after her. She wouldn't let me sleep at night or work during the day.

She was constantly angry with me as well as confused. As soon as she went into the home she changed completely, she is now very happy and a different person. She alternates between thinking the home is a nice hotel and somewhere she works.

I rarely visit as my visits upset her and me.

She's pleased to see me but she confuses me with Dad. Some part of her mind knows that isn't right and this causes her to get agitated and angry, within 10 minutes of me arriving she's shouting and upset and the only thing that calms her is when I leave. She has absolutely no short term memory so almost as soon as I'm out of site she settles again and can't remember I've been. When asked about visitors she happily tells people I visit her regularly, several times a week!

Not visiting seems wrong but it works best for Mum. Both my children and my ex visit her every week and she's fine with them.

catkins

I don't have children and have often had things said to me along the lines of "Oh you will be lonely when you get old". Well I never thought having children just so you won't be lonely when you get old was a good idea!


Anyway, as I often reply to people who say that, studies have been done that show some of the loneliest people in care homes are people with children who rarely or never visit whereas some people who do not have children get lots of visitors.