What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

pollypenny

There is no way I would have my DD wiping my backside and I have a strong chance of bring an I continent old woman, thanks to neglect in childbirth and a third degree tear!

I'll be curling up under the duvet with pills and vodka!

growler834

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I agree. I think that a 'I have such a close family' and 'I am prepared to wipe my parents bums til the day they die,' and 'we are so close that I do it out of love and not duty' kind of attitude isn't helpful. Many people cannot look after elderly and ailing parents full time and indefinitely for various reasons like the ones I touched on above ^^^

Their parents may have been very bad to them when they were younger, ergo; (they may not have a good relationship with them now,) they may work full time and have kids of their own (and even grandkids,) they may be sick and poorly themselves (or have partners or children that are,) they may have moved to another town for the work or to be close to where their partner lives. People don't usually become unable to care for elderly parents because they are mean and selfish and horrible. There is often a reason, and like I said, people implying that they do it because their family is so 'full of love' doesn't help.

If you read my post again you will see that I was saying I'm lucky that all our family have a good relationship with each other therefore we find it easier to care for each other (domestic circumstances permitting). I'm sorry if you thought my attitude was unhelpful, especially to those who don't/can't visit or care for elderly parents because their relationship hasn't been good - that wasn't my intention & I'm saddened that you have taken it that way. Also, I know what it's like to care for elderly parents when ill yourself - I am a cancer sufferer, thankfully in remission now - so I know how difficult & stressful it can be. I had just retired & was the only one in the family available to care for mum-in-law so I did it, ill or not, because everyone else lived too far away & she needed someone to care for her. I'm not a saint or asking for a medal - I just got on with it & I'm glad that I helped her stay in her own home for another 4 years, as she wanted.

AubreyMac

Having never had kids of my own, I have made great friends with people who are mothers to adult children. Some are grandmothers to young babies. It is nice to see a full house on christmas and see the support a loving family gets. It sometimes does hit home that I won’t have that when I get to oap age.

Morglin

Judi wrote: »

I remember sadly my Mother yelling at me a few weeks after I decided to cut ties. I was a bad wife (bad because I didn't take my ex husband back when she so wanted me to), bad mother (ok I was stretched to my limits with 5 kids but I did my best) and I was a bad daughter.

Why I was a bad daughter she never did tell me but when I questioned her treatment of me and never ending unreasonable demands she said that I was her daughter and that was what daughters were for. My brother was a lost cause, as long as he could go once a week and get his handouts he didn't want to know.

Well not this daughter, I'd had years of it. I walked away.

I went to see her 5 years later and am glad I did. It was the right time but shortly after, my brother had put her in a Care home. In fairness, she should have gone in one years ago and maybe my brother and I would be still talking.

My mother had no emotionsl time for me, it was all about my brother who was the star in her sky.

She did everything for him, and everyone else took second place. (She was a good granny to my kids tho.)

Yet, when she got a Dementia, he didn't want to know, but I did all I could, mainly to support my dad, and because I find feel that elderly/disabled should get all the support they need from agencies.

But it was a real irony that all her years of devotion to my brother meant diddly-squat in his eyes, and the end result was that we are no longer on speaking terms, and I felt he was being unbelievably selfish.

But, on the day she died, I shed no tears, and never have since, because I switched off from her years ago.

Lin

AnnieO1234

For me, absolutely nothing. Having been a young carer and then dealing with ailing grandparents and then parents I would never, ever want my kids to do anything for me. It's not their place and is sooner take my own life than see them run ragged on my behalf. Xx

Mojisola

It made a great deal of difference to my parents' last years to have me around making sure they were claiming benefits they were entitled to and organising help for them. They wouldn't have been very happy if an unrelated carer had been in control of their money.

I also did a great deal of the care and it has affected my own health. I hope that OH and I will be more realistic about needing help and getting it organised. I wouldn't want our kids to have to spend years of their lives doing as much day-to-day care as I have done.

Billie-S

I would like to think that our 2 daughters - currently late teens, and both at univeristy - will speak to me (and their father) at least once a week, and maybe we can see each other once in a while (like once every month or two if they live less than 50 miles away,) but I agree with what many have said on here, that I really don't want to be a burden on anyone.

I do not expect them to be my carer in old age, but I also would not expect them to not contact me at all when I hit 70!

Billie-S

AubreyMac wrote: »

Having never had kids of my own, I have made great friends with people who are mothers to adult children. Some are grandmothers to young babies. It is nice to see a full house on christmas and see the support a loving family gets. It sometimes does hit home that I won’t have that when I get to oap age.

Awwww,,,.... I am sure you will have LOTS of people around you then! 'Family' isn't always about blood relatives. Most of the people in my life daily and weekly are not related to me. I have more contact with neighbours and friends than I do 'family.'

How old are you now?

Hermia

Brighton_belle wrote: »

It is something every single human faces though isn't it. If we live to old age, we are likely to need help to manage.(I agree it is a horrible feeling).
The best thing we can do now to help older ourselves in the future is to give some thought o such things as:
* Organise Power of Attorney with those we love and trust while younger and healthy.
* De-clutter your home so you only have what you love and need: makes your home easier to clean and maintain in the event of unexpected illness and disability at any age.
* Promise yourself you won't be stubborn about getting a cleaner, personal alarm system, carer in: I hear too many tales of the children of elderly parents tearing their hair out as the parents refused any outside help creating much more stress for family.
* Think about moving to smaller, easier to look after accommodation near shops and dr's surgeries before you are too old and tired to face it. Plan where you might need to go after that when independence becomes impossible - give your self a chance to adapt to the idea of changes that will be necessary by planning ahead.

I 100% agree, especially with your last point. I live in the country and it seems that a lot of the old people are housebound due to their living circumstances and not because of infirmity. They often live in ridiculous cottages at the tops of hills miles from a bus stop. If they had moved into one of the little towns they'd have no trouble getting around. I'm youngish and healthy, but I don't have any family so even I take things like the above into account when choosing where to live.

Morglin

Hermia wrote: »

I 100% agree, especially with your last point. I live in the country and it seems that a lot of the old people are housebound due to their living circumstances and not because of infirmity. They often live in ridiculous cottages at the tops of hills miles from a bus stop. If they had moved into one of the little towns they'd have no trouble getting around. I'm youngish and healthy, but I don't have any family so even I take things like the above into account when choosing where to live.

Yes, we moved back to London, from a village in Sussex, six years ago.

With the lack of shops, doctors, public transport, hospitals etc., it just became impossible to imagine what would happen when we had to give up the car.

Can't say I was sorry, as I hated village living anyway.

Lin