What do you expect from your children when you are older and frailer?

Becles

My Dad is currently in hospital after having a heart attack and then a serious stroke that has left him paralysed down the left side. He'll probably never walk again and will need a special lumber supporting chair and wheelchair to sit up, a hospital bed at home and a hoist to lift him between the two.

When he comes home, Mam will be his main carer with a team of employed carers coming in and helping her.

I'm a single Mam of three and working full time, but I've already said I'll help out as much as I can. I plan on popping in to visit frequently. I've already agreed that I'll look after him at least once a week so Mam can go out and do the grocery shopping and I'll pop in if she needs to go out for anything else like doctors appointments, getting her haircut or time out with her friends if she needs a break.

My 17 year old son has also offered to look after him over the weekends and school holidays too.

I can't imagine not helping out and letting my parents struggle. They've done a lot for me when I've needed them and now this is my way of returning the favour.

angeltreats

I live in a different country to my parents, who are now quite elderly. My job is here, I'm married with a baby on the way and we have a mortgage, so I just can't be as much help to my parents as I would like to be. I am very lucky that I have a big family back home (mostly cousins, as I'm an only child) who all adore my parents and have been a massive help during health problems etc, and now my dad no longer drives they never find themselves short of a lift to hospital appointments or the hairdresser or whatever. I am very grateful. However I love my parents a lot and worry about them all the time, and when there were serious health issues last year I literally hung up the phone after finding out, threw some stuff in a suitcase and drove through the night to get the ferry home to stay and help for a few weeks. My work was very understanding and I've tried to arrange that if anything similar happens again I could work from an office over there in case I needed to be home for an extended period.

I hope my parents never need residential care but if they did, obviously I wouldn't be able to visit every week. However I hope nobody would think they had been forgotten about because nothing would be further from the truth. I worry about them constantly.

Spendless

supersuzie50 wrote: »

My 94 year old mother expects me to look after her and never stops reminding me. I wish I had never started looking after her as she is so selfish and so demanding. I have no life at all and it is so difficult to get out of caring now. I think I will die before mother. I do not think any parent should expect their children to look after them. There is no support at all especially if they have savings and will not use their savings.

Really feel for you. This is precisely the reason why me and my Mum haven't become carers for my 90yo Nan with dementia. She is still living at her home at the minute with carers twice a day, they have to write up about their visit and my Nan tells them that we wish to abandon her to a home are after her money, never do anything for her and so on. The truth is we run around after her with shopping and visits and so on, my Mum is calling almost every day and I turned down the opportunity of earning more money because I didn't think it was fair to be at work f-time and unable to help out. I'm sure that when/if she comes to go in a home, she'll also happily tell the staff her family don't visit her.

Morglin

I would expect courtesy and consideration from them, but the one thing I wouldn't want is for them to feel they have to look after me.

They have their own lives, and it's incredibly selfish when elderly parents expect some sort of 'payback' for bringing their kids into the world.

I support my elderly dad, to the best of my ability, sorting out his finances, meals etc., and frequent visits, but I wouldn't have him living with us, nor would we move in with him.

He wouldn't want us to anyway, as he values his independence.

Lin

pollypenny

A difficult one. My sisters and I had all moved away so weren't handy to pop around. Luckily they had wonderful friends and neighbours, having been very good neighbours themselves.

When my mother died my father broke his hip and went into a very residential home. I and one sister visited once a month each, he had other visitors though and I phoned for a chat every night.

That's about all I hope for from my own kids.

duchy

I looked after my Mum for three years as a new single parent of a six year old with ASD and needing to work as well as care for them both it was flipping tough at times both on me and on her as she was used to mobility and independence and lost both.

Moving forward fifteen years and my fiance's parents are in their eighties, in their own ground floor home near to both my fiance and their grandchildren who both have young families . Both are frail but desperate not to be a burden so we need to keep a very sharp eye on them as they won't tell us when they are unwell -so end up worse than if they'd let us call a doctor sooner. My fiance works shifts and often up to 60 hours a week and they will tell him not to come (he's their only son and adopted and they adore him) as he's too tired -so I have to bop him around the head and remind him to visit sometimes and not take their words at face value I get on well with them both-they are lovely -but I'm mindful they aren't my family and take great more not to overstep the mark but batter into my OH that he's very fortunate to still have them around and to make the most of it (I'm a tiny bit jealous if I'm honest as my Mum passed 11 years ago and my Dad 21 years ago and I still miss them both)

Life is busy and sometimes the week/s fly past and it is easy for missing a weekly visit to turn into a month. There is always something else to be done so I do think some "children" have good intentions but don't realize that parents don't really mean it when they say they are fine with infrequent visits .....but you never know how long you may have them ..... so don't waste the opportunity-it may not be there for as long as you think !

nonnatus

I am 43, my mum is 64 and in poor health.


We live together now, with my teenage kids and it works brilliantly. I will NEVER let her go in to Care. She raised me, I'll return the same generosity. Except we both agree I will not be wiping her bottom - I will employ help for that bit!!!!

SailorSam

I've no children. So nobody is going to come and help.
It's something that i think about more and more ....... what will happen if i ever need help. I don't fancy the idea of going into a care home or having someone come in, especially after watching these Tv expose programmes. Hopefully i'll not need to worry for a long time yet.

Newly_retired

When my parents could have done with more help, their neighbours were really good, for which I was grateful. lived 80 miles away and with a demanding job I did not visit as often as I would have wished to, but they were very appreciative of whatever I could do. But like another poster, they did not want paid help, so I found myself doing cleaning etc in precious time with them(whilst having a paid cleaner myself at home). Not a lot of sense really.
When my dad died, mum had already said she would go into a home, which made things so much easier, and she had a new lease of life, company, no need to worry where the next meal was coming from or housework etc and she had plenty of activities going on. It certainly eased my worries. Lots of us visited when we could.
Ironically I have now moved into the county where she lived and of course I wish I had been here when I could have helped more. But she understood I had my job and my life to lead.
I now live near my daughter and I know she will do what she can if or when I need help, but I hope I am as appreciative as my mum was that she has her own life to lead.
It is often a thankless task to visit an elderly person who does not even know you, or care that you have a life to live. Harder still for those who care for those with dementia daily, and are often grumbled at or worse.
As a society we need to find new ways of supporting the elderly and their careers. Of course they are "needy" and it is hardly surprising they become selfish, when their needs are not met.

bryanb

I expect Christmas and Birthday cards, but that could be a bit optimistic.