Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

looby1975

ViolaLass wrote: »

If he's being lovely, get a hug in and tell him he's being lovely - get the praise in when it's valid.

I didn't need to he came down and hugged me after his shower, I told him I like it much better when he hugs and not shouts.......then he did the whole dog shaking water off on me lol

theoretica wrote: »

It seems to me, and probably you, that you are not making this journey just for your own sakes - you are making it for your mum and partly also for your other relatives. This may have passed your ex by and be worth pointing out to your son if appropriate.

I think he's realised it already and as for the ex well he won't see or speak to ds before we go so no problem there.

Errata

Whilst he's in a good mood and acknowledging he's been totally out of order, why not sit down with him and make a list of bad behaviours complete with consequences tariff eg shouts at you = window cleaning for free. And tell him that at times you're frightened of him; if he's the good lad you claim him to be he'll be horrified - sometimes a sharp shock works wonders in bringing people to their senses about how their behaviour affects others.

looby1975

Errata wrote: »

Whilst he's in a good mood and acknowledging he's been totally out of order, why not sit down with him and make a list of bad behaviours complete with consequences tariff eg shouts at you = window cleaning for free. And tell him that at times you're frightened of him; if he's the good lad you claim him to be he'll be horrified - sometimes a sharp shock works wonders in bringing people to their senses about how their behaviour affects others.

after reading this I did exactly what you said and he said (totally joking) 'don't worry if I kill you I'll bury you respectfully' :cool: I told him I wasn't joking and he then said 'sorry but don't worry if I ever hurt you I would run away, in fact I would run away before I hurt you, or punch a hole through a wall or something.'

I told him I would rather he try not to get so angry with me in future and if he needs to walk away to calm down then just to do it, without shouting abuse at me, and I won't shout back at him. So he's said he will. So maybe it's a start.

double_mummy

sounds positive good luck x

Errata

Pleased that my suggestion helped. Good relationships are founded on honest communication.

FBaby

So like my son, it does come down to anger management. I think we are lucky (and so are they) that we are recognising that they could have an issue with dealing with their anger and that we can help them now before it becomes much harder. Anger is something that can be learnt to be managed and the earlier it is, the easier it will be when they become adult.

As said previously, I have spoken to my son about it and he is now aware of becoming angry and how it affects me, so that's a good start. I am now trying to help him learn to recognise when it comes to him and try to control it because it overwhelms him. We have even discussed how breathing can help and I have actually seen him a couple of time taking a big breath and calming down.

You mentioned your ex being difficult. My ex also has anger issues as did his dad. When my son becomes angry, I can see his dad staring at me. I do believe that there is a genetic thing into it, but it's not about blame, but about learning to deal with it before he becomes an adult and facing people who won't take it as I do.

jetplane

OP its good to see things have calmed down somewhat. It is hard to instill discipline when your ex constantly undermines you and you feel that all of your efforts are wiped out by one remark or action. However your son has good qualities and ultimately it will be the good morals and values that he has learnt from you that will see him through.

The only advice I would offer is consistency, say what you mean and mean what you say, however difficult it is to follow it up. He is receiving different messages from his parents but ultimately he knows where he stands in his home and he will learn where the boundaries lie and he will learn that these will move as he gets older.

I am an advocate of my house, my rules even when my adult daughter lived with us. I would be advising my son that he is lucky to have these gadgets bought by his father, however he is doubly lucky that I pay the internet and electricity bills that allow him to use them therefore I do have the final say.

Your son knows his dad doesn't want him to live with him and material things will never make up for this. He may feel a little insecure and is testing your loyalty. Unfortunately teenagers often test just how unconditional our love is :cool:

However whilst you may be enjoying the change in his behaviour do not be lulled or manipulated. Use this time to praise him, enjoy the weekend and take the opportunity to explain why you will not tolerate his bad behaviour and what the consequences will be.

Sometimes when our children are being nice to us we don't mind taking their cup in and picking up after them. It is an awful feeling when you know before you ask them that it is going to be a battle. As much as is humanly possible you need to maintain consistency whether his mood is good or bad.

And you know the fact that you have recognised it is a problem, have posted on here for advice and want to make a difference is what matters. There are so many parents who never challenge their children and create a lifetime of unhealthy relationships.

Good luck

Morglin

Teenagers are often a pain in the neck, but they usually grow out of it, thankfully

Your revenge will come, as mine has, when they have teenagers of their own, and are tearing their hair out, trying to deal with them...:rotfl::T

Just maintain and stick to the boundaries you have set.

Lin

Errata

I don't think your son has anger managment problems, if he did he'd be minus his two front teeth courtesy of his schoomates and on detention every other week.
I think he knows he can treat you like trash because you let him get away with it.

Katem

Send the IT equipment back to his dad's. Then have a word with school and let his form teacher know the situation (say something along the lines of your son's dad wanting anything he's bought back in his house and you haven't got other access to computers). The school will have to accommodate your son, after all not EVERY child has access to a computer and they have to ensure equal access for all.