Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

Carmina-Piranha_2

WantToBeSE wrote: »

Well if YOU have a laptop, you can let him borrow yours to do his homework (in the lounge, downstairs, so you know that he is doing homework).

Excellent plan I think Looby's laptop is her son's cast-off though, so Looby needs to have her answer ready when he says 'but you didn't buy that either'.

looby1975

rachiibell wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't make him come if he didn't want to. Teenagers are very good at making their bad moods known and it could ruin the mood for everyone. Explain that you have been looking forward to it and will be going but he doesn't have to. Since his dad thinks it's such a bad idea he'll have to look after him. If dad can't or won't then he's the "bad parent" rather than you.

thing is once he's there he'll enjoy himself, its always the way whenever we go anywhere. The whole side of my family haven't been together for many many years, when I was talking to cousin about it the other night we realised that it was probably 22 years since we all got together so it's really important to me (and my mum when she finds out her surprise lol) that he's there. I'll just have to deal with the tantrums until next Saturday. DD is coming too so the train journey won't be too bad.

looby1975

Carmina-Piranha wrote: »

Excellent plan I think Looby's laptop is her son's cast-off though, so Looby needs to have her answer ready when he says 'but you didn't buy that either'.

no this one is mine, it's only a cheap one but its all mine lol (actually strictly speaking its dds as she lent me the money to buy and I haven't started to pay her back yet lol)

It would be one hell of a shock for him to go from his £900 alienware laptop to my £249 asus. That would be one hell of a punishment :rotfl:

ViolaLass

looby1975 wrote: »

no this one is mine, it's only a cheap one but its all mine lol (actually strictly speaking its dds as she lent me the money to buy and I haven't started to pay her back yet lol)

It would be one hell of a shock for him to go from his £900 alienware laptop to my £249 asus. That would be one hell of a punishment :rotfl:

I'd worry about him having access to my email, MSE account etc - anything for which my laptop saved the passwords.

Can't he just do his homework supervised and then his laptop is locked away?

WantToBeSE

Looby, this is the thread that I posted a while ago about my son:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4379587=

I didn't have exactly the same issues with my son as you do with yours. My ex (his Dad) is really supportive to both of us and would never have allowed my son to be aggressive. In fact, in a fit of temper, he once called me a B****h and his Dad gave him a VERY good talking to. But equally, the ex can also talk to me and explain how I might be able to do things differently (he HAS been a teen boy himself, after all)!

Anyway, I digress. What I am trying to say is that the advice I have been given in that thread last year, really changed the relationship between my son and I, for the better.
He is now 14 and for the majority of the time, a joy and pleasure to be around.

take from it what you can.

looby1975

ViolaLass wrote: »

I'd worry about him having access to my email, MSE account etc - anything for which my laptop saved the passwords.

Can't he just do his homework supervised and then his laptop is locked away?

That would probably be the best option, I'm not so worried about him have access to my accounts I'm more worried he'd do something to lock me out of my laptop out of temper and spite. He's very into his computers and knows the way round them almost as well as his dad who has a degree in IT :eek:

WantToBeSE wrote: »

Looby, this is the thread that I posted a while ago about my son:
[snip]

Anyway, I digress. What I am trying to say is that the advice I have been given in that thread last year, really changed the relationship between my son and I, for the better.
He is now 14 and for the majority of the time, a joy and pleasure to be around.

take from it what you can.

Thanks I'll go and have a read.

Spendless

I think saying that the electrical items can't live at your house unless your ground rules on them are abided by is a good idea to say to both son and your ex. It shuts the ex with the 'well, I bought them' and I doubt son will want to live without them for the majority of the time.

My son needs internet access for school too, and no it isn't as easy as go to the library or use the schools. In my case only a school bus runs between home and school so you are restricted to catching it at set times, lunch is 40 minutes long, which includes queuing and eating, so not enough time to do homework that should take 30 mins and my area is served by a mobile library service that calls once a fortnight, so no internet there! So much homework is set on the internet,'my maths' being a good example and son's school is another that gives detentions for missed homework or forgotten pe kit. I'd want to try and work around the issue of leaving him with the internet access too, rather than taking it away and creating a different issue elsewhere. If you're struggling with ideas or the know-how, what about posting on the techie board?

I recognise my own son in some of the postings and I find that people telling you similar stories help rather than your mind wandering back till when they were 8 and wondering what happened.

duchy

looby1975 wrote: »

Thanks again everyone. I know I'm probably too soft on him but its just so hard being the bad guy all the time. I think thats the worst part of being a lone parent, theres no one else there to help with the discipline and its even worse when he can go off to his dads every other weekend and everything is sweetness and light there.

I don't care what anyones says about teenage girls, teenage boys are FAR harder work lol

I'm sorry but that is the biggest cop out I have ever heard.
I too am a single parent - and my son's Dad was a waste of space when it came to backing me up. Oh and add Aspergers into the mix too.
You don't need anyone else to help with the discipline- you are a parent and an adult so stop trying to be his friend and be his parent. So his sister took better to reasoning and logic......well yes- girls do on the whole- they also mature earlier. Different things work better with different kids.

Your son needs to know that when you threaten a consequence you see it through- every single time. At the moment he thinks you'll give up on it if he ignores you and does what he likes. Will the first few times you hold your ground be tough? You bet your big girl's panties they will be ! You've got a lot of ground to make up - and a message to get across that he should have learned years ago. You have to up the ante now or the next few years are going to be miserable for both of you.

My Mum let my brother think he ruled the roost-In his eyes he ruled the roost but he basically used the fact she loved him to bits to get away with all sorts of stuff. He grew into an adult who was well educated, well spoke, had a great job......and verbally bullied his girlfriends. Eventually he married a woman who took no cr*p and they are happy but a lot of pain and years could have been saved had my Mum just taught him that no means no and meant it (weirdly when she said it to me it did......I wonder if there is an element of that with your two too? The mother daughter and Mother son dynamic can be very different)

Remember you're not just raising a son you are also raising a future husband and father and what he accepts as "normal" now will colour how your grandchildren are raised too.

duchy

As for internet access - free range til say 9pm - then you literally unplug the router or change the network key . If he abuses it with game playing at the expense of homework - he has to stay late at school to do it. A word to his form teacher that you need to know specifically if homework isn't getting done will help you keep track. You won't be the first or the last parent to ask !

looby1975

I hear what you are saying Duchy but I don't think its a cop out to say that its hard being the only one to enforce discipline. That isn't to say that I don't discipline him, I do. He's very well behaved in school, he's never had a detention, does his homework without me having to nag him....a gentle 'have you got any home work tonight' is all it ever takes to get him to do it, most times he does it without even that.

Its just the aggression and the way he explodes that is getting to me and makes me worry because over the last 12 months it's just been getting worse. When it gets really bad I tell him to get to his room to calm down and after a he has he usually comes down and says sorry. But that doesn't always stop an argument because when I stick to my guns the argument starts again :wall: he just can't seem to get it that I am the adult and he isn't.