Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

DomRavioli

OP, its time to put your big girl pants on. It isn't what you want to hear but it is what needs to be said; feelings get hurt, but your son is going into adulthood not knowing action and consequence, and that hurts far more than your feelings getting squashed.

Your son doesn't need a laptop, nor internet. He can do his work at school, or at his dad's house, or at the library.

Nor does he need most of the things you are giving him. Its time to wake up, smell the coffee and remember you are the parent, and he is the child; you said earlier in the thread you wanted to find a less "combative" way - that time has well and truly gone, he is now 13, and there is literally no way to reverse the bad behaviour without consequences and/or therapy (yes, thats where most people end up when it goes baps up) - so please, for the sanity of society, do what you HAVE to do to be a parent.

If you wanted non-confrontational parenting, then respect should have been taught and instilled a hell of a lot earlier than 13 - your son has raging hormones, a father who sounds like a child himself, and a mother who won't follow through - he will be thinking that you threaten, but no consequences so I'll do it anyway because I'll get my own way if I throw enough of a tantrum.

It is hard, very hard, but the rewards are greater than the difficulty.

dandelionclock30

I'd just tell him that if he wasnt prepared to live by my rules and behave properly he can clear off and live somewhere elce.
If he ever tries to threaten you or square upto you, then just call the police, no messing.

fabforty

My friend was in the same situation as you, almost identical, except she had two boys. Same issues with her sons and same issues with his father, who also conveniently moved to where he thought it would prevent his sons living with him. They were rude, aggressive, manipulative and frightening. Her ex did nothing to help or support her and would stick the knife in at every opportunity.


Eventually it got so bad that she sent them to live with him anyway. He was furious, as were they as it meant changing schools and a lot of upheaval for all concerned. Her ex couldn't enjoy the single carefreelife that he was used to and the boys had to straighten up pretty sharpish as their father made it clear that he wouldn't take their crap.


It wasn't a decision that she took lightly but it probably saved her and her sons.

double_mummy

looby1975 wrote: »

There are school computers that they can use after school but we live quite a distance from the school and ds has to use the school bus to get to and from school so it's difficult for him to get home once the bus has left. If our internet went down he would go to his grandads house and use his laptop on his grandads internet (his grandad only has an ipad) The local library is only open a couple of days a week and only has 2 computers that can only be used for an hour a time and have to be pre booked. They joys of living in the village that time forgot lol

but then wouldnt that be part of the responsibility that he needs to take for not behaving in an appropriate way

a punishment is not supposed to make his life easy!!!

I really think you need to stop making excuses for him he needs to learn that his life will be worse if he chooses to do these things and that it will be better when he does what is being asked of him

looby1975

Thanks again everyone. I know I'm probably too soft on him but its just so hard being the bad guy all the time. I think thats the worst part of being a lone parent, theres no one else there to help with the discipline and its even worse when he can go off to his dads every other weekend and everything is sweetness and light there.

I don't care what anyones says about teenage girls, teenage boys are FAR harder work lol

Carmina-Piranha_2

looby1975 wrote: »

I might end up doing that. Thats the one thing I have do have ownership over (I know I sound pathetic but the kids dad has given them lots of stuff over the years since he left, even to the the tv in the sitting room) But I do pay for the intertnet and electricity so maybe thats the way to go.

I'd rather find another less combative way though. I've always been a pick your battles kind of mam, it worked with my daughter but it doesn't seem to be working with my son

You need to stop feeling guilty for things that aren't your fault. So you're poor and his dad bought all of the expensive gadgets, which he can afford to do because he's not the one buying the other stuff, but you can still be in charge of what happens while those gadgets are in your house.

My sister and her ex work together on this. If my sister wants to confiscate the gadgets then she does. They don't interfere with what goes on in each other's houses. If she confiscates laptops then they go to the ex's house when it's his turn to have the children and he can allow them to have them back if he wishes.

Luckily he is a reasonable person who wants to work out what the problem actually was rather than always laying the blame with the 'psycho ex'. They only get pocket money from his if they haven't had detention at school (this is a strict school where detentions are given for minor things, whereas at my son's high school a detention is a very serious business, so when I say that they get detentions it doesn't actually mean they are terrible children, it just means that sometimes they don't do their homework, or they might forget their PE kit).

You are at a disadvantage because your ex isn't working with you, so you need to get tough and stop feeling guilty about things that you ex chose, not you. It's not your FAULT that you're a poor single mum. You do your best for your children, and you should have more self esteem and confidence in yourself :T I remember when you confiscated make-up from your nieces You hadn't paid for that make-up. It's the same with the ipad and laptop, you haven't paid for them but you are letting your guilt get in the way of what you want to do, which is taking them off him.

WantToBeSE

Well if YOU have a laptop, you can let him borrow yours to do his homework (in the lounge, downstairs, so you know that he is doing homework).

rachiibell

looby1975 wrote: »

This weekend we are due to go to visit family in cumbria, it's my mums 60th birthday and we are throwing a surprise birthday part for her at my aunties house. We haven't that side of the family in years, and it's something I've really been looking forward to. DS said he was looking forward to seeing his cousins again and was looking forward to it, then on saturday night he phoned to tell me he didn't want to go. I asked him why and he said he was talking to his dad about it and he said it was stupid to go on a 5 hour train journey just for one day/night and now he agrees and isn't going to go. When I told him that he was going end of he started shouting at me down the phone so I hung up on him.

He's due back today and I just know he's going to kick off when I don't back down.......so I could well be back on here moaning again tonight lol

Personally I wouldn't make him come if he didn't want to. Teenagers are very good at making their bad moods known and it could ruin the mood for everyone. Explain that you have been looking forward to it and will be going but he doesn't have to. Since his dad thinks it's such a bad idea he'll have to look after him. If dad can't or won't then he's the "bad parent" rather than you.

ViolaLass

When I took up running and was trying to gee myself to go out one evening when it was cold and I wasn't in the mood, someone said to me

"It's the times that you don't want to do it and still go that count the most."

It'll be the times that you want to back down and don't that will count the most. Stand up to him, keep those boundaries strong and then give yourself a pat on the back for being a brilliant mother.

Carmina-Piranha_2

Just to add ... your ex REFUSED to do some of the childcare for HIS OWN CHILDREN last time you applied for a job! You'd be able to afford ipads if he hadn't left everything else down to you. He's not working with you to parent the children. You keep trying, but he doesn't treat you with the respect that he should, and that makes you feel small and worthless but you're not.

What's going to happen if your son doesn't want to go on the train journey? Is your ex having him instead, or are they both expecting you to change your plans because they say so?