Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

looby1975

duchy wrote: »

As for internet access - free range til say 9pm - then you literally unplug the router or change the network key . If he abuses it with game playing at the expense of homework - he has to stay late at school to do it. A word to his form teacher that you need to know specifically if homework isn't getting done will help you keep track. You won't be the first or the last parent to ask !

the school is very strict on homework, he has a homework diary that has to be signed by me and his form tutor every week, any missed homework is written in there by the subject teacher, so I know he always does it.

FBaby

I know I'm probably too soft on him but its just so hard being the bad guy all the time

But that's the thing, if he is like my son, he won't see you as being the bad guy. My DS told me just yesterday that I wasn't strict (we were talking about one of his friends' mum who works at his school. I was surprised when he said that. He said that I was firm and that was good but not strict...then added 'I'm not sure I should say that' with his cheeky grin. Yet when he lashes out when I ask him to do something, it certainly feels like he believes I am the most horrible mum.

I think the best thing we can do is continue to be firm, keep the rules as they are and follow through with the threats of consequences, whatever they are. Force them to do things as a family and also spend quality one to one time. Encourage communication and talk about the anger burst. My DS is starting to understand the impact his outburst have and although still struggles to control them, he calms down quicker and will apologise.

I don't think it is harder to discpline alone, but got is it utterly exhausting!

duchy

double_mummy wrote: »

really? so every other child at your sons school has their own laptop for homework? are there no computers at school or a local library or a computer he can use under supervision at home?

what would happen if your internet went down for a week would he be excused from homework or would he have to find another way to do it?

Yep that'll be about the size of it in secondary school as so much homework is internet based. Those who don't have their own have access to a family PC ( very much less common than it was- we're all laptops and tablets now days or even up staying behind at school (assuming the library is open for an hour after school) or to a public library - which probably closes at 5 or 6 -assuming with the closures there is one relatively close-and most thirteen year olds will have more than 2 hours of homework.

It's one thing to use other internet sources for a week (dunno who your internet is with tho -it's rare my customers are without for 24/48 hours max-) something else week in and week out.

Pretty much a side issue here though it's the console and ipad that are the major problem.

duchy

looby1975 wrote: »

I hear what you are saying Duchy but I don't think its a cop out to say that its hard being the only one to enforce discipline. That isn't to say that I don't discipline him, I do. He's very well behaved in school, he's never had a detention, does his homework without me having to nag him....a gentle 'have you got any home work tonight' is all it ever takes to get him to do it, most times he does it without even that.

Its just the aggression and the way he explodes that is getting to me and makes me worry because over the last 12 months it's just been getting worse. When it gets really bad I tell him to get to his room to calm down and after a he has he usually comes down and says sorry. But that doesn't always stop an argument because when I stick to my guns the argument starts again :wall: he just can't seem to get it that I am the adult and he isn't.

He's thirteen they are volatile -all those darn hormones -and starting to flex those "man muscles" Listening isn't a skill most early teens have . I know you love him and want to be "nice" but you have to stand firm. As for the argument continuing......if you say-I've told you already. Not discussing it again and walk away-who is he arguing with....himself ? Once he realizes he can't come down from his room and start it all off again because you won't argue back he'll stop doing that.

duchy

looby1975 wrote: »

. I'll just have to deal with the tantrums until next Saturday. DD is coming too so the train journey won't be too bad.

Get DD to ring him and tell him how much she's looking forward to seeing him

WantToBeSE

duchy wrote: »

He's thirteen they are volatile -all those darn hormones -and starting to flex those "man muscles" Listening isn't a skill most early teens have . I know you love him and want to be "nice" but you have to stand firm. As for the argument continuing......if you say-I've told you already. Not discussing it again and walk away-who is he arguing with....himself ? Once he realizes he can't come down from his room and start it all off again because you won't argue back he'll stop doing that.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.
Re the bit in bold- I did exactly this. When I first started doing it, he used to follow me around the house moaning at me, trying to argue with me, and I just remained doing whatever I was doing (cooking dinner, cleaning the loo, whatever). If I felt like I HAD to respond to him, i'd say something like "Hmm, that's nice" in a nonchalant tone.

Now, don't get me wrong, he isn't an angel these days, but he now knows that what I say is what I mean.
I do leave room for negotiation though. If he wants to stay up until 11pm and I want him to go to bed at 10pm, and he asks nicely and has been well behaved, we will compromise and it'll be 10.30pm.

rachiibell

looby1975 wrote: »

thing is once he's there he'll enjoy himself, its always the way whenever we go anywhere. The whole side of my family haven't been together for many many years, when I was talking to cousin about it the other night we realised that it was probably 22 years since we all got together so it's really important to me (and my mum when she finds out her surprise lol) that he's there. I'll just have to deal with the tantrums until next Saturday. DD is coming too so the train journey won't be too bad.

Hopefully he realises he'll enjoy it soon then so you don't have to endure too many tantrums. Since he seems to respect what his sister says you could maybe get her to have a little word with him about how much she's looking forward to it and how happy grandma will be. That way you'll save yourself an argument and it seems he's at that age when he argue the opposite of whatever you say! :wall:

looby1975

well he's been home from his dads for about half an hour now (he's just gone in the shower because he's been to his grandads who smokes and he hates the smell) and he's been sweetness and light since he got in! He's even brought the smart hoody his step-mum bought him for his birthday home so he can take it to barrow next weekend!

He's been chatting away, happily telling me about everything he's done this weekend oh and how he wants to save his pocket money up to do a young drivers lesson (£60!!!) so if I have any extra jobs can he do them (I pay him when he does 'big jobs' like cutting the grass cleaning windows etc, his dad gives him £5 a week) I said 'well you can start by taking your rubbish out that you left down the side of your couch.....for nothing' and he just said oops sorry and took it out.

I think he might have realised he pushed me too far on sat night.

ViolaLass

If he's being lovely, get a hug in and tell him he's being lovely - get the praise in when it's valid.

theoretica

looby1975 wrote: »

This weekend we are due to go to visit family in cumbria, it's my mums 60th birthday and we are throwing a surprise birthday part for her at my aunties house. We haven't that side of the family in years, and it's something I've really been looking forward to. DS said he was looking forward to seeing his cousins again and was looking forward to it, then on saturday night he phoned to tell me he didn't want to go. I asked him why and he said he was talking to his dad about it and he said it was stupid to go on a 5 hour train journey just for one day/night and now he agrees and isn't going to go. When I told him that he was going end of he started shouting at me down the phone so I hung up on him.

It seems to me, and probably you, that you are not making this journey just for your own sakes - you are making it for your mum and partly also for your other relatives. This may have passed your ex by and be worth pointing out to your son if appropriate.