Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

couponqueen123

looby1975 wrote: »

I ask him why he's getting so angry, some times he calms down and we can have a discussion about why he's so angry but those chats are getting less and less

When he starts getting really angry I tell him to go to his room to calm down, and thats when he gets really aggressive and refuses to go. I tell him he either goes to his room to calm down or I'll take his laptop ipad ect off him he goes ballistic and starts telling me how I didn't buy any of it for him so I can't take it off him (he got it all from his dad) His dad backs him up. I'm actually starting to get a bit scared of him.

wow id box them up asap then ring dad and inform him collect them today or ill bin them no child would tell me what i can and cant do

if hes going to not suport u then dad can just have them at his house?

he has a laptop and ipad all to him self ?

tell his dad if your son wont listen/behave then his goign to be moving in with him soon as your just not a punch bag

Mojisola

looby1975 wrote: »

Hmm if I'm completely honest I do back down simply because I haven't bought his stuff that I'm saying I'm going take away. He gets right on to his dad.

I'm going to have to get a back bone aren't I and not only deal with my son but his dad too .

The two of them are manipulating you and undermining you and your son is learning a terrible attitude towards relationships with women.

They obviously know where your trigger points are - if I'd had the "you can't take it away, you didn't buy it for me" line, like others have said, I'd had locked the items away until he went to his Dad's and told him not to bring them back home again.

It can be very hard to fight alone when others are ganging up on you. Try the advice others are suggesting but I would also get yourself some support through a parenting course or similar.

duchy

I'd be dropping them off at his Dad's and telling him they are banned in your house whilst they are such an area of conflict.

FBaby

Don't have any conversation with your ex. Your son is old enough to arrange things with him on his own. I avoid any communication with my ex because he is too unpredictable and never know when he will be pleasant or when he will be kicking off (wonder where my son's get it from!!). If I have to, it will be by email/text.

looby1975

thanks for the advice everyone. Unfortunately sending all his stuff to his dads isn't an option, he needs his laptop for homework, which has to be done over the school network I could send his ipad and xbox over to his dads if he starts trying to use them against me again.

This weekend we are due to go to visit family in cumbria, it's my mums 60th birthday and we are throwing a surprise birthday part for her at my aunties house. We haven't that side of the family in years, and it's something I've really been looking forward to. DS said he was looking forward to seeing his cousins again and was looking forward to it, then on saturday night he phoned to tell me he didn't want to go. I asked him why and he said he was talking to his dad about it and he said it was stupid to go on a 5 hour train journey just for one day/night and now he agrees and isn't going to go. When I told him that he was going end of he started shouting at me down the phone so I hung up on him.

He's due back today and I just know he's going to kick off when I don't back down.......so I could well be back on here moaning again tonight lol

double_mummy

looby1975 wrote: »

thanks for the advice everyone. Unfortunately sending all his stuff to his dads isn't an option, he needs his laptop for homework, which has to be done over the school network I could send his ipad and xbox over to his dads if he starts trying to use them against me again.

really? so every other child at your sons school has their own laptop for homework? are there no computers at school or a local library or a computer he can use under supervision at home?

what would happen if your internet went down for a week would he be excused from homework or would he have to find another way to do it?

splishsplash

My thoughts:
Do not attempt to talk with him when he loses it. He's lost it, give him time to get over himself. As Errata says, get your coat on and go for a walk, or remove yourself to another room.

When he's in a good mood is the time to talk about it.

At the start of the conversation, lay down the groundrules - no shouting, no walking away, no dragging up old grievances up - and set the agenda for the conversation.

The ONLY item on the agenda for that conversation is how and why he's going to manage his temper during a discussion.

Decide between you what you both agree is an acceptable way for him to express his frustration and anger.
This is important. He is 13, full of hormones, he thinks he has to throw his weight around to be a man, and he's being shown poor example by his father. So he will feel you're putting him down, treating him like a kid, etc. Of course he's going to feel angry, frustrated, etc.
He's also only 13, so still a kid with a tendency to tantrum. You just need to let him tantrum in a way that teaches him how to handle his temper as he matures to adulthood. Acknowledge that he is growing up. Is it this that sends him into ultra-aggressive mode? That you tell him you're the only adult? I think 13 year old boys take themselves very seriously and do not like in any way to be thought of as children.

Explain why you will not be spoken to in the way he seems to think he can. Explain the many reasons why you demand his respect and have earned it in spades. Explain why it's not helping him to lose his temper in such an uncontrolled way.

Agree that he can maybe try some deep breaths, count to ten, slam a particular door five times or excuse himself to cool down. Then he has to come and use his voice to calmly and reasonably make his argument against what you're asking him to do. Give him a way to come back from losing it, without him losing face. Explain you're coming from a place of love, where all you want is for him to be able to manage situations positively, that you are not the bad guy, that you only have his best interests at heart etc etc. Make sure he understands this is not about controlling him, just helping him. Tell him grown-ups negotiate, children have hissy fits.

Once you've decided how you're going to handle your differences, talk about the consequences of not sticking to your arrangement.
Make it clear that when he's in your house, it's your rules and you don't give a tuppenny toss what the rules are in any other house, be it his dad's, his friends', or anyone else's.
If you decide the consequences of him treating you disrespectfully are that he will lose his internet privileges for a week (apart from school), then that is exactly what will happen, regardless of who buys what or where the gadgets come from - your house, your rules. Refer back to why you will not be treated disrespectfully in your own home. It's then up to you to follow through and enforce that consequence.

At the end of the day, he's just testing boundaries, trying to grow up. Teach him to do it in a way that will protect your overall good relationship with him over the coming years, which are the most fragile for boys, I think.

looby1975

There are school computers that they can use after school but we live quite a distance from the school and ds has to use the school bus to get to and from school so it's difficult for him to get home once the bus has left. If our internet went down he would go to his grandads house and use his laptop on his grandads internet (his grandad only has an ipad) The local library is only open a couple of days a week and only has 2 computers that can only be used for an hour a time and have to be pre booked. They joys of living in the village that time forgot lol

ViolaLass

If you back down when he gets aggressive, he will keep being aggressive because you're teaching him that it works. I bet he doesn't really want it to work, deep down - he's a kid, he needs your boundaries to be strong. It's up to you to make them so.

Not saying any of this is easy but it isn't complicated. Make the consequences clear and follow through every time.

Who bought him equipment is irrelevant - he's in your house and you are absolutely entitled to remove that item as a consequence of bad behaviour. As a teacher, I sometimes confiscate mobiles - obviously I didn't buy them for the kid nor would I listen to any argument along those lines. It just isn't relevant.

Carmina-Piranha_2

looby1975 wrote: »

Yep I need to find out how to do that on our new router, unfortunately M set it up for me :mad::rotfl:

I don't know either. My husband set ours up and last week he changed the password so I can't change the settings - I'm too soft on them

I saw a book in the Book People catalogue this week, called how to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk. I don't know if that's any good though?

Ultimately though, it's the teenage brain. When I was struggling with my eldest's tantrums, we got a poster during an event for kids, but 'parentline' was there and they had some teenager stuff too. It was fab this poster, it had 'the teenage brain' like a horror movie title And it said that their brains are making loads of new connections at the moment, as busy as a toddler's, hence the grunting instead of talking, 'terrible two' behaviour, etc.

He is a nice lad underneath it all, and you know he loves you. He'll eventually stop being such a pain and settle down. My 17 year is lovely now, but at 13 I could have cheerfully given him away! I know that's no help during the difficult bit, but I thought it might at least give you hope.