Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

looby1975

I'm a single parent to 2 and my youngest has just turned 13. He thinks he rules the house, everything ends up as an argument. Even simple things such as me asking him to take out his cup or pop can into the kitchen when he's finished starts it. It's not just that he gets stroppy, (which I can and had have dealt with via his older sister) but he gets really really aggressive and he's an expert in twisting words. To put it bluntly he's a brat right now

I'm at my whits end. He's even trying to rule what we do next weekend while he's at his dads for this weekend. I've had phone calls from him saying he doesn't like our plans and then trying to play his dad and me off against each other.

I don't know what to do, any advice from parents of teenage headstrong boys would be greatly appreciated.

Heffi1

I remember it well !! My son is going to be 29 this year, but his teenage years, I thought we would never get through them in one piece.

The only piece of advice I have, is to set clear boundaries with clear consequences and follow through with them, he is trying to assert his authority, while still only a young man, if you do not make it clear who is the boss in your house now, he will take over and that is not something that will be good for him long term.

He needs to know you are there for him, but not afraid to lay the law down if you have to.

My son thought I was the meanest person on the earth, but I stuck with it and he respects me for doing so, even though at the time he probably hated the very sight of me.

As I told him, I am your mother not your friend, these are the rules we live by in this house and the sooner you accept that, the better for all concerned.

Consequences for him, was to do extra chores around the house, which he hated and still does lol, stay in and not see his mates, if they came to the door, I told them he was not available, with the threat that if it continued, his mates would know the reason he was not available, so embarrassment as a threat also worked.

It was tough for a while, but we got there in the end and he has turned into a fine young man who I am very proud of today.

thorsoak

This is where you and your ex (your son's father) have to sing from the same hymn sheet if at all possible. If you can, talk to his father and establish ground rules applicable to both homes.

You don't let this young master get away with anything ...he has to learn NILIF (nothing in life is free) - and he will only get priviledges if he works for them. Broken record technique is required "no, we are not doing that, we are doing this" - repeated each and every time he demands change. You are the adult, he is the child - and don't let him forget it.

looby1975

Heffi1 wrote: »

My son thought I was the meanest person on the earth, but I stuck with it and he respects me for doing so, even though at the time he probably hated the very sight of me.

As I told him, I am your mother not your friend, these are the rules we live by in this house and the sooner you accept that, the better for all concerned.

Thats one of the things that causes him to go into ultra aggressive mode, when tell him my house my rules and I'm the adult in this house not him. I'm not a totally unreasonable, I do listen to his opinions but as soon as I disagree with him, even a tiny bit, all hell lets loose

looby1975

thorsoak wrote: »

This is where you and your ex (your son's father) have to sing from the same hymn sheet if at all possible. If you can, talk to his father and establish ground rules applicable to both homes.

You don't let this young master get away with anything ...he has to learn NILIF (nothing in life is free) - and he will only get priviledges if he works for them. Broken record technique is required "no, we are not doing that, we are doing this" - repeated each and every time he demands change. You are the adult, he is the child - and don't let him forget it.

sadly his dad only supports me when he feels like it. He's very passive aggressive and tbh I think thats part of the reason our son is how he is now. He refers to me to me as 'your psycho mother' and our son uses that to try and play us off against each other.

thorsoak

So his father is winding him up, letting him go - and you reap the consequences! Turn things around on him "ok - so if you father is so wonderful - go and live with him" - and let him! It won't be long before son is begging to come back home to mum when he realises that dad does sweet FA for him ......

looby1975

thorsoak wrote: »

So his father is winding him up, letting him go - and you reap the consequences! Turn things around on him "ok - so if you father is so wonderful - go and live with him" - and let him! It won't be long before son is begging to come back home to mum when he realises that dad does sweet FA for him ......

I've tried that too. He knows that his dad won't let him live him. (his dad has made that very clear in the past and now has moved far enough away what he wouldn't be able to stay at the same school) But the problem is that he tells his dad one version of an event and then his dad gets on to me about it. I feel like piggy in the middle tbh.

fivetide

Then you need to kick his dad's backside.


Let him know that a kid without rules is one that is going to continue breaking them until they break the wrong ones either at school or other legal issues.


It might not come to that but you need to do something to get a rocket up dad.

Errata

What are the consequences of your son not doing as you ask, being aggressive, using emotional blackmail?

Mojisola

looby1975 wrote: »

But the problem is that he tells his dad one version of an event and then his dad gets on to me about it. I feel like piggy in the middle tbh.

Then refuse to engage. Have a stock phrase "This is our son trying to manipulate things again" and change the subject or break contact - put the phone down, don't reply to texts/emails.

Bennifred

Does your son's school run any "Parenting Teenagers" type courses? They can be very useful, if only to increase your confidence that you are handling conflicts in the best way possible.