Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

theoretica

looby1975 wrote: »

Yep I need to find out how to do that on our new router, unfortunately M set it up for me :mad::rotfl:

Unplug and lock it up wuld probably work - so long as none of the neighbours have unsecured wifi.

looby1975

theoretica wrote: »

Unplug and lock it up wuld probably work - so long as none of the neighbours have unsecured wifi.

I might end up doing that. Thats the one thing I have do have ownership over (I know I sound pathetic but the kids dad has given them lots of stuff over the years since he left, even to the the tv in the sitting room) But I do pay for the intertnet and electricity so maybe thats the way to go.

I'd rather find another less combative way though. I've always been a pick your battles kind of mam, it worked with my daughter but it doesn't seem to be working with my son

ska_lover

Sometimes as the parent of a teenager - you are completely bashing your head against a brick wall - if other family members are assisting in making your life difficult

His Dad is assisting in making your life difficult. This is not fair on you, as you have to deal with the consequences.

I spent years keeping my opinions about my sons Dad to myself, and then learned that every time my son saw his dad - his dad was slating me to our son. I was very dissapointed with this, and sounds like this is happening in your situation too.

When my son was 16, my parents brought him a laptop to assist with his studies - my son dropped out of school, then dropped out of college, refused to get a job, and used to spend all day in bed, while i was at work, and all night playing games on this laptop. After a while, I took this laptop off of him - and only let him have it for a couple of hours per day, job searching time in the main areas of the house - i.e he wasnt permitted to take the laptop off upstairs so he could sit playing games until 5am. My son went ballistic that I had removed his free access to this lap top and accused me of being a thief, contacted my parents who also thought I was a thief and backed up my sons view point 100%

I removed his internet access and started booting him out of the house at 6.30am each morning when I left for work!

He saw sense and grew up................eventually.

eskimo26

ska_lover wrote: »

i.e he wasnt permitted to take the laptop off upstairs so he could sit playing games until 5am. .

He wasn't just 'playing games'.

Did he have any filters on his laptop?

ska_lover

eskimo26 wrote: »

He wasn't just 'playing games'.

Did he have any filters on his laptop?

Hahah, yes filters were on

He was massively into 'minecraft' - looks megaaaaaaaaaa boring to me

duchy

It is fairly simple to stop BB use without depriving yourself - so long as the router is downstairs and not in his bedroom.Does he connect wirelessly ? (easier that way although it is possible to block specific devices to connecting to your router too if he uses ethernet). You can reverse the steps at any time so could use it as needed (although unplugging the router and taking it to bed with you works too)

Turning this around slightly I had a chap ring me asking for help as his son had locked him and his wife out of their broadband deliberately....son was 23 !! I imagine he started like this as a teen too so you do need to get a handle on this now.

What does his sister think of his behaviour and does she have any insight onto the situation ? EDIT -Sorry re-read - the fact he CAN amend his behaviour when she is around speaks volumes that he is at least to a degree manipulating you using your feelings about his Dad -and knows that references to you not being together anymore in one way or another pushes your button. If you've always kept quiet about his Dad-maybe now is the time to start expressing to him how you feel about his Dad's behaviour -like calling you names behind your back -but by critisizing the behaviour not the person -and subtly undermine Dad's influence as he's certainly undermining your authority -which isn't helping.

Alchemilla

Poor you. I read this thread with interest.

My brother is the evidence of what happens if you dont put your foot down. Failure to launch and still bullying our pensioner parents at 40.

I would also say that if he will not use his mobile devices as you say then he can keep them at his Dad's. This might give his Dad pause when son wants to be with him more.

I think some blocking phrases might come in handy, with son and Dad, as has been suggested. "I will discuss that with you when you support me in managing the behavior of DS" to Dad.."We will continue this conversation when you choose to be calm" to DS.

Ask school about anger management lessons for DS. It should be possible.

It is worrying what kind of attitudes your DS is developing towards women as a result of his Dad's comments.

FBaby

looby, I posted almost the exact same post a couple of months ago. My DS is 11, but always been mature and I guess that comes with the teenage problems too!

Like you, he cannot take any comment or demand that i make without throwing a big verbal tantrum. I just have to say to him before going to work that I'd like him to clean his shoes when he is back from school and I get in a very unpleasant voice 'it's not my fault if we have to play foot on the grass and not the playground, in anycase it's stupid to wash my shoes because they'll be dirty again the next day''';. Asking him to do any chore comes with an attitude. It is totally utterly disheartning.

What I have found though is that it's not so much that he thinks much worse of what I ask him than his sister, it is just that he is quite intense and will voice his thoughts loudly and unpleasantly whereas his calm sister will keep it inside. She will think it through and appreciate that it will pay off to pretend that she has no problem with doing what she's told whereas he just lets out what is on his mind there and then.

I also realised that he doesn't think I am unfair at all. Many times, when he is calm (and absolutely lovely!), he has said to me that I'm not strict and my rules are fair, it is just that sometimes he doesn't like them.

What I find works best with him is to tell him what to do, and when he rants, all I tell him very calmly is what the consequences will be if he does do it and then leave him to it. Thankfully, he knows that I will go ahead with what I say, so in the end, always do what I ask him to, it's just that he needs to vent and then take 5 minutes to get his head around doing it.

He also go through phases, sometimes very bad, sometimes not one stop for weeks. Anothing thing I realise is that it remains very important to do things with him. The problem is that spending time with him when he is like this is not very attractice, especially as it often is likely to bring it on, but I now know that forcing him is worth it. We have done outings which he didn't want to do and sulk all the way moaning that he shouldn't be forced, for him to have a wonderful time and going on and on on the way back how we should do it more often...

Is he like this with others too? My DS is like this only at home. He is an absolute angel at school and his teacher cannot believe that he can be a stroppy teenager as he never ever has shown any such behaviour at school. This confirms to me that it is his outlet and he does it at home because he feels safe with me. His behaviour is very unplesant to me as a reciever, but he does not do it to be unplesant to me, he just needs to learn the affect it has on me especially when it goes on and on.

Errata

When he becomes agressive put your coat on and go for a ten minute walk. Rinse and repeat.

rachiibell

Stay firm in your rules and make sure you follow through with punishments but also pick your battles wisely! Eg. he has to help keep communal areas of the house tidy but whatever he wants goes in his own room you just won't go in there.