Teenage son who is so agressive I don't know what to do.

pink_princess

Nice to see you back looby x:)

looby1975

Errata wrote: »

What are the consequences of your son not doing as you ask, being aggressive, using emotional blackmail?

I ask him why he's getting so angry, some times he calms down and we can have a discussion about why he's so angry but those chats are getting less and less

When he starts getting really angry I tell him to go to his room to calm down, and thats when he gets really aggressive and refuses to go. I tell him he either goes to his room to calm down or I'll take his laptop ipad ect off him he goes ballistic and starts telling me how I didn't buy any of it for him so I can't take it off him (he got it all from his dad) His dad backs him up. I'm actually starting to get a bit scared of him.

looby1975

Bennifred wrote: »

Does your son's school run any "Parenting Teenagers" type courses? They can be very useful, if only to increase your confidence that you are handling conflicts in the best way possible.

not as far as I know but its something I will look into.

Mojisola

looby1975 wrote: »

I'm actually starting to get a bit scared of him.

You need help - is there anyone at school who could help or Social Workers or Barnardo's Parenting Groups or similar?

His behaviour will be related to the way his father is treating you and not parenting him properly.

What do his older siblings say about his behaviour? Do they back you up when he kicks off?

Carmina-Piranha_2

looby1975 wrote: »

I ask him why he's getting so angry, some times he calms down and we can have a discussion about why he's so angry but those chats are getting less and less

When he starts getting really angry I tell him to go to his room to calm down, and thats when he gets really aggressive and refuses to go. I tell him he either goes to his room to calm down or I'll take his laptop ipad ect off him he goes ballistic and starts telling me how I didn't buy any of it for him so I can't take it off him (he got it all from his dad) His dad backs him up. I'm actually starting to get a bit scared of him.

Cut off the internet to his devices then I still do that to the teenagers, they are 17 and 18. It works better than any other threat or punishment.

theoretica

looby1975 wrote: »

I ask him why he's getting so angry, some times he calms down and we can have a discussion about why he's so angry but those chats are getting less and less

When he starts getting really angry I tell him to go to his room to calm down, and thats when he gets really aggressive and refuses to go. I tell him he either goes to his room to calm down or I'll take his laptop ipad ect off him he goes ballistic and starts telling me how I didn't buy any of it for him so I can't take it off him (he got it all from his dad) His dad backs him up. I'm actually starting to get a bit scared of him.

Do you follow through on the consequences, or has he learnt that if he goes ballistic you are making empty threats?

looby1975

Mojisola wrote: »

You need help - is there anyone at school who could help or Social Workers or Barnardo's Parenting Groups or similar?

His behaviour will be related to the way his father is treating you and not parenting him properly.

What do his older siblings say about his behaviour? Do they back you up when he kicks off?

His older sister is away at uni. When she's back she backs me up and he backs down. He's never been violent to me or anything like that so far, I'm just worried that unless I manage to learn how to deal with his aggression it will escalate into something more.

He's also one of the most loving lads you could know. He gives me hugs all the time and does really thoughtful little things for me, he loves cooking and will often make tea for us without me asking at all. He just can't seem to control his temper and then uses the fact that me and his dad aren't together anymore as a threat (if that makes sence)

looby1975

theoretica wrote: »

Do you follow through on the consequences, or has he learnt that if he goes ballistic you are making empty threats?

Hmm if I'm completely honest I do back down simply because I haven't bought his stuff that I'm saying I'm going take away. He gets right on to his dad.

I'm going to have to get a back bone aren't I and not only deal with my son but his dad too .

looby1975

Carmina-Piranha wrote: »

Cut off the internet to his devices then I still do that to the teenagers, they are 17 and 18. It works better than any other threat or punishment.

Yep I need to find out how to do that on our new router, unfortunately M set it up for me :mad::rotfl:

double_mummy

looby1975 wrote: »

I ask him why he's getting so angry, some times he calms down and we can have a discussion about why he's so angry but those chats are getting less and less

When he starts getting really angry I tell him to go to his room to calm down, and thats when he gets really aggressive and refuses to go. I tell him he either goes to his room to calm down or I'll take his laptop ipad ect off him he goes ballistic and starts telling me how I didn't buy any of it for him so I can't take it off him (he got it all from his dad) His dad backs him up. I'm actually starting to get a bit scared of him.

i used to try this during my terrible teen part - my mum told me that seeing as my dad had bought them then i can keep them at his house

sit him down and ask him to listen without saying anything for 5 minutes and then you will listen for 5 minutes etc. you need to establish a set of rules and consequences but also give him a voice.

give him a time or a method to voice anything he would like to say - maybe via text or email so he can get it all out and then you can discuss it at a later time when he is calmer

you have to be consistent he has to know if he does A that B will happen every single time and that if he is promised something because of good behavior he gets it no ifs ands or buts he needs to know that you are going to react the way you say you are going to

have you thought about setting yourself up an email address or get a free sim - set them up and then take the sim out of the phone every time you want to scream shout blow up at him say all those things as parents that you never can then send them to that sim or email address

and dont forget to talk to someone if it gets too much
http://familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline/