A little bit of late advice from whoever's around!

Janepig

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Maybe so, but in high school, I've had the joy of speaking to parents who can't comprehend why their child hasn't been picked for something they are too lazy to put work into and are simply not good enough for. I do get the feeling that, throughout the kids' lives, Mum has always been straight down the school, bombarding staff with emails and making constant enraged phone calls about how it's just not fair - and getting her own way much of the time, which has contributed to the kids being lazy and expecting to be included in everything, because 'Mum will sort it out for me'.

I agree, and I see on here and on FB, parents who will go charging to the school at every perceived slight on their child. I purposely didn't go in all guns blazing today as I am aware that a 10/11 year old's take on something might be different to the teacher's, and I wanted to hear what he had to say first. I was at pains to point out that I wasn't telling him "you must pick my daughter because she's awesome", she's been left out of things before and despite the fact I've felt it's unfair I've left the school get on with it.

However this felt different. Her friends who I spent time with yesterday were shocked and upset on her behalf (that wasn't put on I don't think) and some of their parents approached me today because their children saw fit to go home and tell them what had happened to DD. All of which contributed to my decision to go in and see the teacher.

What I forgot to mention - someone advised maybe seeing DD's actual teacher instead. Well as it happened, she walked past us as we were going back in to the school and saw that DD was in tears so stopped to ask what was wrong - it took me a minute to recognise her, I never see her!! I started explaining and I think she was just so relieved that I wasn't complaining about her that she just started backing away and saying "oh I don't know anything about it, go and see Mr PE". Helpful!

Jx

slightlyconfused1

Being a parent is so difficult. I seem to lurch from one "crisis" to another.

I hope your daughter is OK tonight.

FBaby

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Maybe so, but in high school, I've had the joy of speaking to parents who can't comprehend why their child hasn't been picked for something they are too lazy to put work into and are simply not good enough for. I do get the feeling that, throughout the kids' lives, Mum has always been straight down the school, bombarding staff with emails and making constant enraged phone calls about how it's just not fair - and getting her own way much of the time, which has contributed to the kids being lazy and expecting to be included in everything, because 'Mum will sort it out for me'.

Totally agree, but it doesn't always have to be these circumstances. As explained, in the case of my son, I wasn't surprised that he wasn't picked in the team. I didn't have an issue with him not being picked, I had an issue with no-one taking the time to explain to him why he wasn't picked and showing a bit of understanding that he was disappointed. When I called the school (something I had never done before), it wasn't to tell anyone off, it was to ask if someone could speak with him to explain why he had not been chosen and why one boy who also had not been chosen was then added to the team, so that he could understand that he had not been given preferential treatment.

It is a pity that children -and parents- who only expect better communication are potentially labelled as difficult parents expecting their children to be picked for everything even when they don't deserve it.

Ziggazee

Yep......pushy parent syndrome. Your daughter is going to have many disappointments throughout her life......are you going to go running in and demand answers for each and every one of them?

Mojisola

Janepig wrote: »

He made out that DD was too upset yesterday for him to be able to explain it to her fully (she disagrees with that, she said he didn't even try). He said that he could only take so many children and that unfortunately DD and another girl were the two he dropped. But then he had a change of heart about the other girl so it is only DD not going.

I have said to DD now that she's just going to have to get over it, get her chin up, and like Pol has said it's a new School in September, so a whole new environment, different kids and bigger and better opportunities.

Good advice to your daughter - but I wouldn't be happy with the teacher. Is there really no way that he could take one more person, especially someone who helped the team get to the final?

If the Head is good, I would have a word to see if you can stop this happening to some other child.

Janepig

Ziggazee wrote: »

Yep......pushy parent syndrome. Your daughter is going to have many disappointments throughout her life......are you going to go running in and demand answers for each and every one of them?

Who me? I'm not going to fall into the trap of being dragged into an argument on here but I'm certainly not a pushy parent. I've already said I'm happy enough that we're not having to take her because it's a long journey where we'll have to leave at about 6.30-7am to get there (I don't do early mornings!). My issue is with the manner in which the disappointment was dished out. She's been left out of things before with no issue, because it was handled better. I didn't run in and demand answers, I thought about it beforehand and I wasn't angry with him, it was just a chat. I agreed with some of what he said and I emphasised that I wasn't there to tell him how to do his job. Even if I still can't stand him and my inner self was wanting to inflict violence on him!! :D

In my travels to various training and comps for activities that DD and DS both do I see many a pushy parent, and believe me you know one when you see one, and I'm pretty sure I'm not one!

Mojisola wrote: »

Good advice to your daughter - but I wouldn't be happy with the teacher. Is there really no way that he could take one more person, especially someone who helped the team get to the final?

If the Head is good, I would have a word to see if you can stop this happening to some other child.

I didn't outright ask him to change his mind, I didn't feel it was my place to (plus that wasn't really my issue with him) and he didn't offer. I've actually had the mother of the only year 5 girl included in the team message me today to say that her DD could drop out instead, but I wasn't willing for her to do that.

DH spoke to the head on the phone (whilst unbeknown to him I was speaking to Mr PE) and he said he'd have a chat with the teacher.

Thinking back on the conversation I had with him though, I'm struck by the total lack of compassion he showed towards DD. She stood there crying quietly the whole time we were talking and not once did he address her, or try to explain to her what the position was, or even ask her if she was alright, or at the end ask her if she understood. Nothing. I would have thought that if I was in his position, even if I wasn't going to change my mind, I would have spoken to her and tried to cajole her into feeling a bit better. Or maybe that's just me.

Jx

uk_american

OP, more than 20 years later, I still remember being cut from a field hockey team. Me and another girl had transferred in from other schools, neither of us made the team, the other girls trying out had all known each other from age 5 (so had more of a team spirit, according to the coaches). Life is not fair. Interestingly, I am facebook friends with the other girl who didn't make the cut.

That being said, it freed me up to try volleyball as the team was desperate for players, the coaches were superb and I ended up meeting girls that I'm still friends with today. And volleyball is still something that I play in an adult league occasionally.

I always found this story to be interesting, Michael Jordan is one of the greats of American basketball, and he didn't make the team cut in high school. It spurred him on to be better, maybe something to share with your DD:
https://espn.go.com/sportscentury/features/00016048.html

Onward and upward, well done for trying to get answers from the coach. A new school is a new chance. Give your DD every chance to try every sport and to meet people who promote team work and good sportsmanship in a positive environment, and the right one will come. It will all work out ok in the end.

duchy

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

Mountain from a molehill for me. She got dropped from a school team....it's not the end of the world.

Please tell me you're not a parent..............(or a teacher) !

Janepig

duchy wrote: »

Please tell me you're not a parent..............(or a teacher) !

It's probably DD's teacher posting on here! :rotfl:

Jx

Takeaway_Addict

Janepig wrote: »

You've clearly met this teacher! :rotfl::rotfl:

Been in, seen him - I was tempted to see the head, he's a nice guy, but I opted for the PE clown instead. I didn't want him to think he'd got away with it! He made out that DD was too upset yesterday for him to be able to explain it to her fully (she disagrees with that, she said he didn't even try). He said that he could only take so many children and that unfortunately DD and another girl were the two he dropped. But then he had a change of heart about the other girl so it is only DD not going. There were other waffled excuses as well, it was hitting my ears as sort of "blah blah blah blah"......

DD sobbed all the way through my chat with him (I did clarify with her before we went in whether she wanted me to speak to him or not and she did). Thankfully he didn't say "oh alright, I've changed my mind, you can come aswell" so I didn't have that dilemma. However, I think this is possibly the only thing that would have made it okay with DD as her other team mates are now all chatting excitedly about the final and she feels left out.

There's cross country tryouts tomorrow - DD has made the team for the last few years and DS has also previously been picked (he's in year 3), but what I want to say to them is not to bother this time. However, I will just have to bite my tongue I think.

DH has just rung to say that the headteacher rang him earlier (possibly when I was in with Mr PE), returning DH's call from this morning - I originally jibbed out of going in. DH gave him a quick appraisal of the situation and the Head said he'd speak to Mr PE.

Not entirely satisfied, but satisfied enough that I've said my bit, and I have said to DD now that she's just going to have to get over it, get her chin up, and like Pol has said it's a new School in September, so a whole new environment, different kids and bigger and better opportunities. I also told her if she didn't stop crying I would poke her eyes out. :D

Jx

So, apart from making you feel a little better its not actually gained you anything and you still had to tell your daughter to get over it.

This was why I was saying mountain out of a molehill