Girlfriend refusing to pay towards rent

FBaby

Thanks for coming back and updating. As you can see, different opinions, but in reality, it is difficult to assess how unreasonable she is without actually knowing your income and outgoings, what you received in redundancy compared to what she received, what she spent half of her on etc...

My view is that ultimately, you should be aiming at each paying a percentage of your income so that in the end, you both have similar level of disposable income. That's how my OH and I worked out what I would contribute towards what at the time was his mortgage. In our case, our income on paper was the same, but we had very different unavoidable outgoings, so it seemed fair that I paid less towards the mortgage and bills.

If he lost his job, we would assume that he would continue to pay as he does now with his redundancy money until the time he got another job (and then it would become his disposable money to do what he wants with, although probably something to share together) or if he could only find a job with a much lower income, then I would start paying more towards the mortgage/bills to rebalance our disposable income.

brenda10

monty-doggy wrote: »

I think you shouldn't be together, sounds to me like she's very selfish and using you. Weather or not you are happy in between this clearly isn't a partnership and she should be paying her way.

I'd be thankful of the wake up call and ask her to move out!

Your partner appears selfish and its all about ME MYSELF and I, time you got rid of her.....a USER....Think about it and if you think she is using you get rid.....

davecon1

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think the issue is with money but with the relationship. If I was asked to pay 'rent' by my partner who I've been with for 5 years +, I would feel highly insulted. It might sound like she is using you but you sound like you are happy to string her along without any commitment, which in my view is a bit like using her too.

I suspect her view is that if you are now together, it is to make it work as a couple, hence sharing money, if not in same account, in mindset. I expect you have received a much larger redundancy package then her, with maybe less outgoings, hence her view that maybe, at least for some time, you pay all the mortgage.

I was in the same situation until I married. If my then partner had asked me for 'rent', I would have told him where to go. We were a partnership and that resulted in him paying more in than I for various reasons. He accepted that came with the parcel, but thankfully, he saw that the relationship balanced well in other ways.

Thanks for your point. I can understand your point as I ask myself how would it be if we were married? She would certainly have to contribute to the household and maybe the issue is with the concept of rent. We will have. To sit down again and try to discuss it and maybe just look at her paying for all the food. I don't want to be held to an ultimatum though.

davecon1

duchy wrote: »

A lot of support for you -but then only one side of the story

You said you "have an issue with money". Is this shorthand for "my friends think I'm tight" by any chance ?

Frankly if I had a small flat (I'm assuming hers is small as one lodger is covering the entire mortgage cost) and I'd had to get a lodger when I was made redundant to pay the mortgage-and my boyfriend of long standing was made redundant a few months later-didn't bother getting lodgers into his larger home with three spare bedrooms to cover HIS mortgage- but expected ME to pick up his slack instead I'd probably feel a bit hard done by and feel I'd "sacrificed" my flat but he wasn't making a similar effort to make his property contribute to our finances . Frankly if I was in your situation with my current boyfriend we'd be renting out the four bedroom house and living in the smaller place to maximize income -but ours is a partnership and I'm not sure your is -either financially or emotionally.

You said your girlfriend has spent half of her redundancy money ....was this on the training course to become a fitness instructor so an investment in getting a new career after redundancy .....or on exotic holidays and handbags ? It makes a difference ! Was she made redundant before you or after you ( you said you were made redundant within months of each other)

I think you both have such different views about money -whilst you were both working it probably didn't matter so much but now the wolf is at the door those differences are showing and you both think you are right rather than attempting to find compromise . You talk about her "paying you rent" eg she isn't an equal partner in your eyes but a lodger-rather than her "contributing to our expenses". Especially if you got a better package than her I can see why she's not falling in with your plan. I do wonder if she's thinking "Does he see me as a partner or a friend with benefits with lodger status?"

It isn't about who is right and who is wrong -it is about if you can BOTH see the other person's view and work out a compromise . She may see moving out as a compromise as it may put you in a situation to get a lodger too and "even the playing field" and not regard it as the end of the relationship as you do. We are getting one side of the story - and there is always at least two and hopefully I've made you think about that !

The main issue with money would be to do with what's fair. I have spent almost all my adult life paying the majority of all holidays, bills, mortgages etc.

Chances are I will get a larger payment then her but this will be used to reduce the mortgage. She has used hers to pay off some bills and improve her flat but she's also on holiday at the moment and planning to go again.

I mentioned in another post that the loft is rented out and the plan is to rent out the whole house in the next couple of months. I'm having to replace all the windows and redecorate it so it's going to be quite costly but necessary.

davecon1

Judi wrote: »

How much is she paying towards the food?

We spend about £400pmon food. I pay £240 and she pays £160. She doesn't pay towards any bills.

davecon1

Fluffi wrote: »

Regardless of the redundancies, individual property ownership and who has tenants/lodgers if a boyfriend asked me to pay rent I'd refuse.

I would insist on contributing to all other bills, electric, water, gas, food, insurance, broadband, council tax (the difference between single person and 2 person occupation) but I am not going to contribute to another person's mortgage unless they formally want to be my landlord or else we can have a formal agreement drawn up that recognises my contribution to the mortgage.

If a boyfriend wanted treat me as a lodger/tenant then route I'd leave him anyway.

Just to be clear she does not pay anything towards bills. Only food.

Other than the obvious issues with our relationship the idea of paying rent seems to be a red flag as opposed to contributing towards the household.

Buzzybee90

davecon1 wrote: »

We spend about £400pmon food. I pay £240 and she pays £160. She doesn't pay towards any bills.

On food? What on earth are you buying?

jaylee3

Not gonna lie, I am SO glad that I'm not in a relationship like this, where my OH is demanding half of everything - even if I haven't got it, and is getting all antsy and arsey if he is paying more into the household. I have a few friends like this, who have partners who bring home the bacon while the woman stays at home with the kids, and HE thinks he is entitled to more of the money because HE earned it. She does EVERYthing, including all the housework and childcare, but he thinks all his money is HIS.

This 'my money your money' bullcrap is not conducive to a good relationship, and I have to say that all the relationships that I know of, where people don't share and have seperate bank accounts etc; they are all not married. I know a couple who've been together 18 years (both late 40s) and he will not get married, and they pay for everything seperately, and he gets arsey that she is only bringing in half of what he is at the moment because she can't get many hours.

This is how me and my OH were in the first couple of years of our relationship. But, we are married now, and have grown up and don't have this 'my money, your money' bullcrap! It really doesn't say that you have a good relationship if you're concerned that you're paying more money out than your partner. Maybe you should start questioning your relationship and why you're together if you're so hung up on the fact that you're paying more money out for stuff than your partner.

jaylee3

davecon1 wrote: »

Just to be clear she does not pay anything towards bills. Only food.

Other than the obvious issues with our relationship the idea of paying rent seems to be a red flag as opposed to contributing towards the household.

Do you ever plan on getting married to this girl? And having kids?

Coz if so, how are you going to feel about paying out a LOT more money while she stays at home, contributing nothing financially?

Buzzybee90

jaylee3 wrote: »

Do you ever plan on getting married to this girl? And having kids?

Coz if so, how are you going to feel about paying out a LOT more money while she stays at home, contributing nothing financially?

Bit of an assumption. She should be paying her way, simply as.